Chemo Tastebuds

Last weekend wasn't the best because I started getting diarrhoea on Friday morning. I spent the day listlessly working in between toilet runs (geddit?).

I hate diarrhoea so much because all my favourite types of food - pedas, creamy, coffee - are triggers, so I have to avoid them and eat what? Boring plain rice and shizz?

After waking up at 4am on Saturday for watery poops, I dragged myself to the GP for diarrhoea meds. That's three $70 GP visits in three weeks, isn't it fun and budget-friendly being a diseased person? 

Thankfully the meds helped somewhat so I got to go for pilates on Sunday and today I'm drinking coffee again at pull.in hahahaha sorry, bowels!

Yesterday's appointment (Chemo cycle 1, week 2) was at 11.30am for blood draw and 1.30pm for chemo so I proudly took the bus from home to NCCS Outram. Cutes calls me a bus otaku but I'm just a casual bus enthusiast. Like, I judge my colleagues for still not knowing which buses from go to Tang Plaza vs Paterson Road. Guys, you've been working here longer than a year, please don't be bodoh! Also Google Maps is really good at bus navigation. "Eh which bus to take ah?" Sepak kau baru tahu.

Oops I digressed.

Blood draw was really quick this time, because there were much fewer patients at that time of day. Then the PSA told me I could come back in 1.5 hours. Oh, okay. I went to the NCCS food court (Foodgle) and it was just cramped with no halal food so I walked back out. After 5 seconds of indecision, I started resolutely walking towards Shake Shack. Cutes laughed incredulously at me when he heard his update later. I know, it was scorching hot and it's an 11-minute walk and I'm still in light limping condition and there's a tiny incline. But Shake Shack is a safe and familiar space for me k! (I know it's not halal lol. I later found Muslim-owned The Populus on the map so I'm gonna check it out next week. But if it's full, you know where I'll end up!)

What's not familiar are my darn chemo tastebuds. All my comfort foods now taste too salty, which makes every highly anticipated meal a disappointing experience. This included my usual Shackburger with fries. The patty which has always tasted perfect was too salty. Just like the Mr Grumpy nasi ayam goreng, the organic corn chips, and all the other savoury food I had in the last week. Sweet food is largely unaffected, though. 

I was back at NCCS in good time and Cutes met me there. This time I got a suite with only chemo chairs, though, no beds. At first I was disappointed, but after going for my usual pesky pee breaks, I think chairs are better since it's easier to get up and down. They recline the chairs like you're flying first class, so it's still comfortable. I've concluded that the infusions make me pee because my bladder is just attention-seeking like that lah. Whether I'm drinking the fluid or it's being IV-ed into me, it's the same effect. 

This time went much faster - the actual chemo sesh went from 2pm to 4.30pm - because there's no thigh injection and no need for orientation lectures from the nurse, I guess. Then I went to the pharmacy to collect diarrhoea meds, thereby saving me $70 from a future GP visit woo! And the Grab ride home was really quick because we hadn't hit max rush hour yet, yay!

A pity I don't own many glam+comfy clothes, so this was some Uniqlo basics with my CXIX Medusa top. Mucho genial.

At home was just naps and an unsatisfactory salted egg chicken and rice from Tasty Wok. I don't blame the cook, once again my chemo tastebuds ruin the day.

I'm realising that the breast cancer subreddits aren't the most useful because they're super US-centric, so if anyone knows of SEAsian ones, do hit me up. 

Today on my way out, I was trying to clear the remains of a get-well hamper the office sent me. It was gobs of tape and a crapload of shredded paper which spilled out of the cheapo basket, including from the large holes in the basket! Then I tried to vacuum the detritus but the Dyson dust compartment was full and when I tried to empty it, the dust just rained on me. So I threw a tiny tantrum, cleaned up 70% of the mess, then tossed the hamper remains, cheapo basket and all. 

Don't send me hampers, guys, abeg. Unless it's from a very atas company with quality baskets and packaging materials. Why couldn't they stuff the basket with a nice throw instead of armloads of shredded paper? Wow I really can't get over it.

Or send me a cleaning service. I'd love for someone to put away my vacation clothes and dust the bed and ceiling fans. Sekian.

Fashion and cancer

I haven't posted in almost a month, because that's how long I've been having terrible right lower back pain. There's a jabbing in that area, coincidentally around the same place the bone biopsy needle went in. I went to my GP twice but they just gave me some marginally effective painkillers then told me to get the hospital to check it out. "Because it might be related to your cancer so it's best for them to do the investigations. I can do an X-Ray for you here but it will be lame if the hospital will be doing more." And also, "It's a nerve impingement but you need to be careful cos once it goes to the spinal cord, it will be worse and you can't even control your bowels."

Okay, thanks. I'm still adjusting to having doctors now be my age or younger. 

So, genetic test came back as negative for all the genes that increase likelihood of breast and ovarian cancer, so that was nice. It does mean that I've somehow caught this cancer below the typical age and without the genetic propensity, though. 

Bone biopsy came back showing that the cancer has indeed spread to that part of the bone. This means that doctors have to classify this as early Stage 4 cancer. And that surgery may not be on the table anymore, because at this advanced stage, there would be limited benefits. 

I've been placed on three months of weekly chemotherapy, starting yesterday! It involves weekly infusion of.. something, I forgot the name, and an injection of Phaesgo every cycle (i.e. every three weeks). 

I expected chemo to be rough, so I was planning to squeeze all my pilates and ballet classes plus pole prac in that final pre-chemo week. But this nerve impingement thingy just killed all my plans. Even walking was torture, so I couldn't go for my solo coffee jaunts and therefore, no new blog posts.

Anyway.

The first few cycles of chemo are at NCCS Outram because NCCS Changi is too tiny to squeeze me in. Outram is better actually, because it's a new building with loads of space, and right beside the bus stop and MRT station! But I'm lazy to try to ask for a permanent transfer. 

Annoyingly, I snoozed through all my careful alarms and ended up waking up at 7.07am for an 8am appointment. Bodohnye! I couldn't eat breakfast, which is my most important meal of the day! 

And the Grab cost me like 26 bucks, when I actually have a direct bus service to Outram. Ugh bodoh. Interestingly, my home is nearer to Outram than CGH - 8km vs 9.6km - so the car ride was under 15 minutes long. 

Blood test was fine, I had trouble finding a toilet because apparently I can't read signs, then we (Cutes and I) were called into one of the suites. Which is a room with the cancer bell that made me want to cry, a reception counter, and a bunch of beds. Just a mini hospital ward, essentially. (But don't expect this at Changi. They only have chemo chairs there.)

It took a couple of hours for the meds to be sent up by the pharmacy, I guess because it was my first time idk, so in the meantime the nurse and the PSA took turns lecturing me on the different procedures (registration, hotlines to call, etc). Cutes was falling asleep in his chair. 

The nurse did the Phaesgo injection into the thigh first. She was pleased that my Olive Ankara pants were wide-legged and suitable for rolling up to administer the injection "because some aunties ah, they only want to wear tight pants, then they have to take off the pants, very troublesome."

It was again, pain beyond pain, my friends. Or some pain and a whole load of discomfort, because it has to be injected under the skin so it's slooooow and everything is accumulating there and it sucks. It still hurts now, especially when walking. 

Next was the Benadryl administered through the IV drip or whatever it's called. It immediately made me sleepy but I also had to pee badly?! In fact, throughout the whole process, I had to get the infusion paused twice in order to go and pee, and I didn't see any of the other patients with the same issue! It was some substantial pee too, as if I'd had three glasses of water in between pees. Also the toilet was being cleaned during one of my pee attacks, so the nurse brought me to the next toilet which was in the last 30 secs of cleaning, then they couldn't get the auto-door closed so I was just standing next to the jamban like a loon while they troubleshooted (troubleshot?) the doors. Besnye.

And this Cutes pun satu. Nurse said he could go buy me some food ("must be fully cooked, no salad no half-boiled egg") so I could eat before the Benadryl kicked in, but he took bloody ages to come back. Thankfully, a couple of volunteers came by with hot Milo and crackers, and I gratefully accepted. But then! The needle was in my right arm and I wasn't supposed to move that arm around! So I had to eat with my left hand. 

Then Cutes walked in a minute later with iced mocha, a croissant, and a scone. What?! I wanted fries! And who can drink coffee when you're having inconvenient pee attacks?

Okay whatevs, it was just a blip. The actual infusion went fine, I was asleep during most of it and I was actually surprised when the nurse woke me up to say it was done. This was around 1.30pm so yeah a whole morning and half an afternoon there! We took another Grab back home, I had Swensen's fish and chips for lunch, then continued my nap.

Fashion, the last fun activity I can participate in. Post-chemo in my adorbs Olive Ankara set I just received on Saturday? How long more will I be able to style fun chemo 'fits? We'll see!

So far the main side effects I've had are tingling and numbness in my hands and ankles and some stomach discomfort which isn't nausea (yet). And lots of fatigue yesterday too, of course.

I found a couple of breast cancer subreddits which also said that some people felt fine after the first cycle of chemo, and the severe side effects only kicked in at later cycles, so I'm hoping to get cleared for ballet and pilates by the doctor. I'll go mad if all I can do is sit at home and knit. (I don't knit.)

While the subreddits are great (I spend like 4 hours a day on Reddit), I can't read too many posts before I feel like crying, so there's that lol. Then going on IG isn't too great cos all I can see is people dancing when I can't. I'm pretty sure the doc will clear me to exercise, so I can't wait to see her this Thursday and ask.

I'm still working until I feel I can't anymore. I've taken today off so I can see how bad the side effects are. So far I'm fine cos I've been sitting at Supernova for the past couple hours. But food doesn't seem to taste as yummy now, sobs. That's another of my joys of life being taken away.

The Act of Putting on Pants

Remember when Dr Melissa confirmed that I need to stop taking my hormonal birth control pills? So I stopped as instructed, but I forgot what happens when you stop a course of BC (this was about two weeks into a pack) - you get your period. I started bleeding while on one of my cafe jaunts and initially thought I'd somehow scratched myself too severely?!

Ee bodohnya. I cottoned on later that night though. But it wasn't the end of rude surprises because apparently having the period while you're taking the pill as instructed is different from one where you jump off the pill midway. I hate that I have to say goodbye to blood-clotty periods (just need to wear period underwear!) and start embracing tampons again. (Please don't tell me to use cups and discs.)

Also, around two weeks later, my skin is now oily again. Half the reason for taking Yasmin all these years was to help my skin be better, but breast cancer said "fuck your skin" to me too, I guess.

Anyway, I checked myself into the hospital for my bone biopsy on Wednesday. It was fine, I guess. I was somewhat cheated because the admitting doctor said I'd be on sedation (i.e., practically sleeping without being on general anaesthesia) but the surgeon/operating doctor/IDK just put me on local anaesthesia, meaning I had to be awake in an awkward prone position with my arms over my head as the doc poked his needles into me.

Did you know that "prone position" means lying flat on your stomach? I'm not sure how I got the impression that it means lying on your back. That's supine position, by the way. 

So yeah, at first prone position feels great, until you need to find a comfortable way to angle your head and not move. This was a CT-assisted procedure, so we're limited by what platform can actually slide into the machine. And I guess it's not possible to provide a head cushion with a hole in the middle, like they have for massage chairs. Something for these machine designers to take note of, though.

The procedure was intended to extract samples of my right iliac bone (hip bone), which I'd assumed they would enter from the front, but as I mentioned earlier, prone position. They went from the back, i.e. my butt. I was like, okay that's cool, there's less organs in that area and my butt, being large, would hurt less, right? 

Okay I don't know about "less", but it still hurt a bunch! Starting from the jabs of LA. I flinched every time, and every time the doctor said "Sorry!" and continued. Are they really sorry eh, or is it just one of those professional platitudes they have to say?

With all the flinching, I don't know when the actual biopsy needle was poked in but I did feel each unpleasant moment the doc scraped/tapped on my bone!! Also they kept pushing me in and out of the CT machine, which would be fine except there was a smol jerk each time the sliding stopped. I didn't even know you could see all these CT scan images on the spot. But I guess that's the purpose of these types of procedures.

Anyway, once done, they pushed me to the waiting area where I watched a CNA show about scammers in Thailand while the Same Day Admission nurses took bloody ages to pick me up. Y'all are on the same floor, what's the hold-up here?

I ended up in a supposedly Class B2 ward but was really a former Class A ward with an extra bed, making it cramped for one and all. Even worse, my neighbour was a lady with an immensely ghetto friend accompanying her. Okay, I know it's borderline elitist of me to call people "ghetto". I'm really cool with low-income Malay people (Lord knows I've dated a bunch). What I hate is inconsiderate people. This friend was taking multiple video calls and watching videos on full volume. (And eating in the room. Which didn't cease even after the nurse politely confronted her.) I got to hear her book a Grab ride for her mum, direct her mum from Blk 10 to Blk 9 where the car was, hear her mum struggling over the 5-min walk, speak to the patient's husband, speak to the patient's children, speak to her own husband - the whole shebang!

Meanwhile, I was trying to have an hour's mandated bed rest without my phone or book near me (because SDA) was again taking their time. It was super irritating and you must understand why I was chanting "ghetto bitch" in my head. Interestingly, the patient didn't speak much. Not sure if that's her normal mode or she was feeling too unwell. I tried to feel more charitable towards the friend - she clearly has to work hard - she works a day job, has multiple children, cooks daily, and took in the sick woman's children, plus has to settle car rides for her mum. (Yes I learned all this from the 87,209 video calls.) But every time she blared something at top volume, aku macam nak cekik dia.

Thankfully, one of the breast care docs came in and let me be discharged the same night! Procedure was scheduled for 3pm, we started around 3.45pm, done around 4.20pm, warded at 5pm. And discharged at 7.45pm! Doc gave me 5 days of hospitalisation leave, up to Sunday.

Cutes and I took the shuttle bus to Eastpoint for dinner, then we went home where I spent most of my time lying supine until yesterday (Thursday) night where we went out for dinner and I'm at pull.in now writing this.

I miss dancing, but there's still an odd sensation of numbness/bone pain (?) in my right hip, right lower back, and right leg when I rotate that leg too much. This includes the act of putting on pants. Still hoping I can go for Chloè's last class tomorrow though! But I've cancelled tonight's ballet class. 

Friends have been lovely, sending food care packages, so now I have no excuse to cook haiz.

The next medical appointment is in two weeks, but this Monday I'm going to NCCS to find out if I have the BRCA gene mutation. Wish me luck and blessings!

 

Pre-procedure

Just before discharge!

 

Scuba diving level breath control

I didn't get to have a leisurely Cata Coffee/pull.in session this week, so I'm at Coffee Bean Intl Plaza on a Sunday. CBD is so beautiful on a Sunday, especially when the sky is sunny and blue like it is today. Also, Putra Minang!

I have a fucking bone biopsy on Wednesday, which was just scheduled for me on Thursday. It's a drag because I'll miss my last Sensual Flow class with Chloé Uchida, and we were supposed to film each other or something cool like that! I'll probably also miss the last regular Afrojazz class with Char, and all the fun dancey things that make life worth living. I kept asking the nurse, "So how long do you think I will need to skip class?" and she incredulously reminded me, "It's different from the breast biopsy. It's the bone, you know, the bone!"

So, that's fun.

The second biopsy results came back as positive for my right lymph node, and negative for the left breast. But I just found a weird lump on the left breast not three days ago! Remind me to ask the nurse or doctor about it. 

Oh ya I had an echocardiogram done on Monday - weekly hospital appointments, remember? It's done with an ultrasound machine, lights were dimmed, and I was already very sleepy that day, so I was hoping to be able to fall asleep like I did during my breast ultrasound. 

Nope nope.

The tech was madly jabbing at my heart area/left breast, HARD, and if that's not all, I had to take a deep breath and hold it for what felt like endless minutes, throughout! What a drag. Who knew you needed to have excellent, scuba diving level breath control to be comfortable in an echo test? 

Anyway, I'm terrified of the bone biopsy. Something about a lesion detected in the pelvic bone that wasn't there in earlier scans makes this test plus an MRI necessary. From what I googled, they'll be inserting the biopsy needle through the flesh into the bone. Under local anasthesia. Then there will be a lubang in the bone ke apa? Gawd. 

There's an appointment with the nurse tomorrow to go over the prep instructions and do another blood draw for more tests. 

Sometimes I ask, Why me? But it's God's will kan? Sometimes I find this is pushing me away from Allah instead of drawing me closer, though. So that's scary too. 

It's also super frustrating that my favourite coping mechanism of dancing will not be available to me, just due to the nature of this particular cobaan. But there we are. I managed to squeeze in a short pole practice this morning, so that's quite good already!

What's normal?

I haven't had a normal week since my holiday. Came back from my Mex-SF trip and dove right into weekly polyclinic and hospital appointments. My new normal is now sitting at cafes with my iced mocha and writing these. Or scrolling Reddit in hospital waiting rooms, I suppose. 

Yesterday's appointment with the chemo doc didn't bring any new news. We still need to results of the second biopsy and the hip MRI (in Aug!) before they can determine which stage the cancer is at, and what treatment to do. 

I guess this means I have a couple of weeks before the scary chemo, so I booked a Damn Kitty workshop HAHA sempat eh aku. 

My brain is so tired. I don't think I'm gonna tell people this news in person anymore; I'm just gonna direct them here instead. And if you ask questions that are already answered here, minus points for you! 

The NCCS @ CGH clinic was kinda sad and cramped, especially compared to the larger newer clinics at the Medical Building. Also the large proportion of older folk made me feel guilty about how I am a terrible daughter for not stepping up to be a caregiver to my parents. Some patients had their childen AND grandchildren accompanying them, and here I am hiding away in a coffee shop in my spare time. 

One youngish (30s) lady walked into the clinic and shortly after, into the chemo area, and that made me sad too. She came alone, like me. I almost thought of striking up a convo with her, but y'know, social anxiety. 

It's just sad when you hear about a youngish person getting cancer or any disease that usually hit the elderly. I mean, ya, it happens, but your humanity feels a stroke of pity for the young person's suffering, loss of freedom, and potential loss of life. 

There's still so much I'm grateful for. My beautiful life and friends, these cakes and coffee I have access to, Cutes, the ability to still dance, my writing. I'll cherish this forever.

What Strength Means

 "Aaahhh.. Pain beyond pain, my friends." - Voldemort

I was thinking this a lot during my second biopsy procedure yesterday. It involved taking a tissue sample from my affected armpit, inserting a clip there to track the lump, inserting another clip in the affected breast, and then moving to another room where I had to sit upright with the other breast clamped in a mammogram machine while the doctor did a vacuum biopsy for that breast.

Vacuum as in suck a bunch of crap out, ugh. I was steadfastly looking away, but I felt the blood gush down my stomach when he made the first incision. This second part was also peppered with constant X-ray imaging, so I had to hold my breath for each one, while my considerable bulk was pressed against the machine, while my sore boob was being compressed. Fun.

They put you on local anaesthesia so you are wide awake throughout and trying not to fidget while your arm is falling asleep or whatever. The extraction from my armpit also hurt like a bitch even though the doc kept adding on LA at my request. 

It was at that point, plus the vacuum biopsy part, that I wanted to yell, "Just chop off both breasts already!" Like why go through all this torture if I might end up having to do a double mastectomy in the end kan?

I also remembered the auntie that I heard wailing and crying loudly the last time I was having my mammogram done. I confess I thought she was lembek because she couldn't tahan a basic mammogram, but maybe she was also having a fucking vacuum biopsy eh? Either way, I shouldn't be comparing other patients' pain threshold to mine. They probably don't cry at MCCY ads and other people's wedding videos unlike my gembeng self, so who's to say what "strength" means?

I'm starting to feel a bit frustrated that I can't make plans to book classes or vacations because the final treatment plan still isn't out yet. I don't want to have to book then cancel a long-awaited Wesmarx workshop, just because some chemo appointment got slotted in. So I hope I get some concrete updates on Thursday.

Some people seem to think I need company, or someone to talk to. But firstly, I am physically incapable of talking (orally) about my feelings because I end up crying, and then I can't speak coherently, which is irritating for all of us. And secondly, ya I do sometimes enjoy the company or a little love, but some people's style of love just stresses me out more. Like am I supposed to reassure you or myself now? And thirdly, I enjoy my own company. I learned to do so over 20 years ago - long bus rides in secondary school turned to late night bike rides to the airport or Fort Canning to my current solo cafe caffes. 

I loooove writing, though. You can still write through dada sebak or a curtain of tears.

Sometimes I think about what kind of breasts I'll get for the reconstruction surgery. Can you choose eh? I guess I'll find out, and update here!

A girl can dream

I'm lowkey hoping this cancer thing will showcase my writing skills so well that I'll end up getting a book deal.

A girl can dream, eh?

So this past week I had three hospital appointments - a blood draw for genetic screening, a bone scan, and the consult with Dr Melissa. Diana (worked with her in my Starbucks days) was at the Delifrance on my last appointment and greeted me with "Hi Norain!" as I was queueing, which was nice. 

Dr Melissa kept checking if I had any questions for her. I forgot most of my questions except whether I need to stop taking my Yasmin. Apparently, I do because it's hormones and the cancer reacts to those particular hormones, so yup. She also said, "But you can still drink soy milk - like a cup a day, and eat tofu, etc." Which, what? Number 1, I hardly drink soy milk and number 2, why "but"? Does soy milk have hormones ke apa?

Oh.

Okay, just googled it. Soy can have estrogenic properties. The more you know. 

I'm still mostly okay. I told a few friends on Friday, then promptly started crying at the outpouring of love and support from them. Told my family on Saturday and almost cried again because I knew it was breaking my mom's heart although she tried to act cool. My in-laws were great because half of them work in a hospital or medical fields so they just asked technical questions, shared technical info, or cracked jokes. 

When my mind is too idle, sometimes I start to cry, and that's why I keep stuffing my schedule with as many classes as possible. Pilates and ballet have been really great! I'm still holding out hope I'll be able to go en pointe someday. Maybe next year?

A girl can dream.

I was wondering why cancer is so scary. Is it because it chooses its victims seemingly without discrimination? Is it because it kills? But like, heart disease, diabetes, etc can also kill what. Is it because the treatment side effects are so visibly drastic? 

Also arguably, breast cancer is the least scary of cancers because you can just chop it away while other cancers need more intricate surgery. (I think so anyway. Don't kill me Dr Melissa for misinformation.) Why am I still scared?

Well, because I don't wanna lose my boobs and my hair, I guess. And I don't wanna be lethargic and nauseous and need help from others. I believe that generally, people do not want to be dependent on others and that's partly why the elderly are generally more resistant to go for tests and scans and seek treatment. This is just evidenced by the two resistant aunties I encountered at the hospital and one ex's mum who had her leg partially amputated due to diabetes.

On the bright side, it's been nice to have "free time" in the day to go to Bedok Corner for lunch or Cata Coffee for an iced mocha and chocolate cherry cake or go for pole prac. Also, hospital toilets are so nice and clean, with bidet functions! 

I've been wanting to pack up my too-small clothes to give away, but then I wonder if I might lose weight and breasts and be able to wear them again, so I've kept them for now. My cancer nurse told me some people actually gain weight while on chemo though! Ugh please Allah no. 

Then is it I cannot buy new clothes anymore because I might lose/gain weight? Too bad, I already ordered two leotards to celebrate my return to ballet. God I'm a shopping addict.

See you next post!

Early detection saves lives

This post was supposed to be about my Exogen Mexico experience, but I kept stalling (because I didn't love it) and now something bigger has happened in my life. 

I have breast cancer. 

No idea what stage I'm at yet, because we're doing a bunch of scans to determine how far it's spread. But I have a feeling it's spread to at least one armpit, judging from how painful and lumpy it feels. 

For a known #gembengirl, I haven't cried as much as expected. Not sure why that is. I am, of course, scared, worried, confused, tired, all those things. But it hasn't translated into many tears. 

I found the lump while in Playa del Carmen. I asked Cutes to verify that it was indeed a lump, then I put it out of mind until I was back in Singapore.

It was a pain trying to get a polyclinic appointment because somehow you can't book any slots on HealthBuddy anymore, even at 10pm when the slots supposedly release for the next day. And since I didn't want to attempt a walk in, I submitted a form requesting for an appointment because I found a lump in my breast. Et voila! They assigned me an appointment (a week out)  within the day! 

Annoyingly, the polyclinic doctor was a man. Even more annoyingly, he was quite handsome (based on the unmasked areas) - pan-Asian-looking with a British accent. But it was fine, we all managed to act clinical and professional with the exception of the nurse chaperone auntie who giggled at me a lot. Maybe she also had a crush on him, entah. 

Anyway ya I got a fast-track referral to the hospital specialist, also within a week. We had to arrive at 8am for mammography and ultrasound scans. 

Since I'm below 40, I've never done a mammography, never looked into the common complaints about how painful or uncomfortable it is, nothing. The tech did explain pretty clearly to me beforehand that there would be some discomfort, but my mind was still blown. The pre-scan briefing sounded like my boobs would hurt, but it ended up being the other auxillary fatty parts of my body that were in pain, from all the manhandling the tech had to do to get the non-breast tissue out of the way. 

Then I still had to go back for another round of mammographs to be taken from other angles! (Don't worry, the tech had also preempted me on this.)

(Side-bar: I posted about the mammography on my IG stories and one lady told me how her discomfort is the other way round - much squeezing of her breasts has to be done because she has small boobs! Humans, we are so diverse.)

Ultrasound was super-relaxing, the room was dimly lit and she spent ages on each side so I basically dozed off. 

There was one poor auntie (?) who was wailing loudly during her mammogram, though, and the five of us in the waiting area either glanced awkwardly at each other or avoided eye contact. Meanwhile another auntie loudly complained that she didn't even want to do this scan in the first place but they made her come because they found an anomaly after she was involved in a road traffic accident.

Humans, we are so diverse.

By the time I was done with the scans, it was 11am and my husband had had 3 coffees and 2 breakfasts while waiting. 

The doctor saw us at 12-ish and confirmed that yes, there was indeed a lump in one breast plus irregularities in two other breast-adjacent areas. So I had to get a biopsy done RIGHT THERE for the lump, and schedule another biopsy for the other two areas, two weeks later. 

Don't worry, they administer some lidocaine or whatever numbing agent on the biopsy area, so you don't feel pain, just pressure. It's like being at the dentist. It's just that you have to avoid physical exertion for three days afterwards, to avoid reopening the wound. And you can't change the dressing for 24 hours, so no showering either.

Anyway. Follow-up appointment was this week and ya the doctor said, sorry to tell you but it is breast cancer. Then of course I started crying, so she stopped talking, and I said, "No, I always cry, please continue." LOL. They scheduled a bunch of other scans for me these two weeks, to see how far the cancer has spread, before we decide on the appropriate treatment options. 

I feel like it's an indicator of how serious this is, that my scans and next appointments are all crammed into the next two weeks, instead of being spread out over the next two months like my previous experience with the public hospital system.

So.. I just had my CT scan today where one of the techs kindly wished me all the best for my journey, and another tech asked me "Any side got mastectomy?" and I had to reply "Not yet." But don't worry, I didn't cry.

I haven't told many people, including my birth family. I kinda don't want to deal with the questions and concern. Sorry about that. But I had to write this now so I can look back from the future. Insya Allah.

Bye bye Studio 1!

 

In 2018, I was heading to Zumba class when I saw "The Brass Barre" printed on the directory of the same building. Immediately intrigued, I looked up the website, started obsessing, then booked my trial class! I was so excited to learn how to dance sexily! (Yes, that was my main motivation, but it doesn’t have to be everyone's.) And, well, we can all see where I am today.

I didn't join TBB to make friends, but it happened anyway. Despite my grumpy face and keeping to myself, I met Esther at Queen Street when she asked for tissue and directions to the toilet, Ishie during her first performance week at Studio 1 looking nervous but killing it, Yibong always being zany in class and singing along during warmups (unfathomable to me), Des and Aileen looking like the coolest devil and angel at the Halloween Freestyle Battle.. I can't keep going because I'll cry.

Change is hard and that's why "change management" is a whole module we go through in the corporate world. So when TBB completely closed the Queen Street studio, I was a little sad. The chill, literal old school vibes of the area were great, like you feel cool when you hang out there, without feeling crowded out like you do on Orchard Road. (Esther wasn't sad though; she was overjoyed to leave the creepy toilet behind.) But I wasn't too sad because the flagship Orchardgateway studio was so nice, with a proper reception area to hang out in!

You know how when we were children, we thought of our parents as superheroes, and we took for granted that they would always be around? It's very crushing the first time we realise how vulnerable our parents are, just like us. I've been attending classes at multiple studios, so I'm not at TBB every term like how I used to be, at the start. But I guess I think of TBB as my parent in the pole world. This closure of essentially half the studio space is a blow to me because it feels like the studio is being injured and I don't want it to be!

And of course, to think of what it means to the amazing instructors who teach there. And the loss of our shared spaces - Studio 1 where we had six performance showcases a year, and many other ad hoc performances besides, plus that one time Toxotic booked out the studio using our Privilege Club credits (?) for a full squad pole prac session; Queens Room where we would also try to book out the studio by individually booking pp slots and mess around together; and the reception and locker area where we'd hang out in between, before, and after classes like we didn't have a home to go back to.

But also maybe I'm just being oversentimental as always. Let's hope this is just a blip and the TBB community can all get through this together and continue kicking ass in the studio.

This was taken just before VK yelled at us because we were holding up her class. I was scared of her for months afterwards! Sorry love you VK!

 

 

 

Pole Practice – The Evolution

 I love going for pole prac because it gives my brain and body the time to process whatever I’d learned in class. Class moments are always slightly panicky, where you barely hear your teacher’s instructions and you’re just instinctively grabbing on with a random limb in order not to fall and die. Or even just to do a pirouette - ugly as it was, at least you turned on cue, right? But you do want to do it the right way eventually. And that’s why I enjoy the space that pole prac gives me.

How it started

The strength and mind-body connection of pole was a struggle for me. I was (still am) overweight and I’d never done weight training stuff consistently. I was dying to nail the moves and I knew that relying on just class time wasn’t gonna cut it. I’m also a compulsive planner. So I made a list of moves I would practise, along with the time I would spend on each:

I started with the exact same warmup the teacher went through in class, then I slowly and nervously started practising the tricks. I then realised the tricks+time to spend wasn’t the best plan, so I made myself do each trick three times on each side. For tricks I couldn’t do yet, like cradle spin or spin climb, I had to do three good attempts per side. After I was done with tricks, I’d run through the class choreo at least twice. I just felt like three times a side was sufficient to prevent half-assing the trick due to penat (tiredness), leading to possible injury. Cradle was especially hard because I couldn’t find the right positioning to avoid overloading my bottom wrist.

Of course, during beginner days, there weren’t that many moves to train, plus I didn’t know how to connect the moves into combos, so I had plenty of time to kill during the standard 90-minute pole prac. It was a lot of do this trick – fail – look nervously around – sit and watch the video playback – try again. These days, I don’t even have time to watch my videos properly until I’m in the bus home.

Intermediate Ain

Finally got the hang of spin climb, so I moved on to the next level, yay! My pole vocabulary expanded with the ankle grabs and choppers in tricks class and floor moves in chair and exo classes. Suddenly I needed to not be shy and ask random people to spot me during my invert and handstand attempts. (The nicer random people offered to spot me when they saw me struggling <3) Or use the mats, which I found useless for handstands since there’s no wrist support. Unless your mat is extra firm? Idk. Also, inverts are hard so there’s a lot of conditioning required. As my pole vocab grew, I became more interested in creating choreos and freestyling to my favourite songs, instead of the instructor’s chosen songs. So now the second half of my pp time was spent doing dancey stuff – practising class choreos, freestyling, and making up my own choreos.

Home pole

The silver lining in the dark cloud of Covid-19 was the arrival of my home pole in May 2020! Again, a billion thanks to my parents for allowing me to have one in their space, and for helping me put it up! What a game changer. I could listen to my own music all day and practise dumb things without fear of judgement. (Yes, I fear judgement.) I was able to do lunchtime pole prac every single workday! The pole room has no aircon, though, so I would do tricks for 10-15 mins before getting too sweaty and moving on to dance stuff for the rest of the session. Still! I came up with some fun routines during that period.

 I continued to book studio pole prac, maybe once a fortnight, so I could get the floor space, heels slideablity, and aircon that my home pole didn’t allow.

I break down my home pole stuff in this PompanJoget post.

Advent of private practice studios  

My life changed even more dramatically when the first private pole practice studio, Sirene, opened in late 2020! A safe space with proper floors and a proper mirror to climb and dance however I wanted? Sign me up! With careless abandon, I just started doing whole-studio bookings for just myself and.. I’ve never looked back. I did try booking a single pole a couple of times, but I found it mildly stressful to keep the other person(s) in mind spatially and musically and.. Nope. Whole studio it is. Sometimes I invite my friends, if they’re free to join me! But I really enjoy this time to explore by myself and do silly shit like my M Nasir tarian thing and afrobeats warmups and random ballet turns across the floor.

I promise that I’m using the time productively and that I’m not just taking a nap or browsing IG for half the session. Now my general goals had shifted from just “attain the level tricks, clean up class choreos, create your own stuff” to “attain the level tricks, clean up class choreos, film a nice run of class choreos, create your own stuff”. It takes me about three takes to get an okay run of class choreo, so that’s almost a third of the session. Overall, that looks like:

• 15 mins – warmup
• 20 mins – tricks (still doing the three good attempts approach)
• 20-30 mins – run through and film the class choreo
• 20-30 mins – do fun stuff (take cute pics, freestyle, choreograph something)
• 10 mins – pack up and go!

How it's going

As I get more comfortable with pole, my general goals are now in the “do what makes you happy” region. So there’s still a lot more dancing than tricks practice. When booking choreo classes, 70% of the ones I choose are somewhat in my comfort zone so that I don’t really need to spend pole prac time on them. (“Comfort zone” = old school/slinky stuff with no inverts; “Anxiety zone” = anything with inverts, dancing in heels without holding a pole, contemporary stuff.) For home pp, I spend half an hour foam rolling (SO GOOD) then practise mainly tricks and some floor inversions (shoulder stand, elbow stand, handstand), and skip the heels dancing entirely so that I don’t have to remove the foam mats from around the pole.

I still book at least one studio session every two weeks to do the fun stuff. It’s the best form of me-time. Every pp session has a mental to-do list. Last Friday it was:

• 2 chair-pole contemp combos (right side)
• 2 aerial invert attempts (left side)
• Other chair-pole trippy tricks/moves (spiral, soutenu or whatever that turn is called)
• 2 runs of chair-pole, including 1 with the invert combo at the end
• 1-2 runs of Este Old Skool choreo
• 1x PJ bottoms dancing

And I’m happy to report that I managed all of it! Although all the aerial inverts didn’t reach the V-stage. I refuse to dwell on them for the entire session though, because tricks are boring and dance is fun!

Here's how a typical fortnight looks like for me:

Week	Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
1	Rest	Class	Studio PP	Class	Class	PP@home	Rest
2	Rest	-Class -Studio PP	Rest	Studio PP	Class	PP@home	Rest

See? It’s not that many pole pracs, right?

BGT - Final Thoughts

 I wanted to blog yesterday - something like a "day before the competition" check-in post, but I completely forgot what I wanted to write about. 

So here I am, 8 hours after the competition ended! 

Here's the "mood board" I created of how I envisioned my performance to be like. Miss Fisher of Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries because I love her forever, Jessica Rabbit in her iconic rendition of Why Don't You Do Right, and Cyd Charisse in almost anything. Beads and pearls and other things that shine, and the China doll cap of hair that Miss Fisher sports. 

And here's what I ended up with in the end. I got my hair cut short to sorta match Miss Fisher's hairstyle, but didn't go for the straight bangs because I sweat a lot, and it would have ruined the look anyway. It's incredible just how many things there are to stress about in a performance - whether your pussy lips will peek out, whether your hair will obscure your face when you're making a cool expression, whether your top might come unzipped. So although I bought two lovely headpieces that matched my mood board, I decided not to wear them for the performance. I didn't want to spend another precious 20% of my brain space fretting over whether a headpiece would stay in place. Also, I would need copious amounts of hairspray to keep my hair looking neat. Malas beb.

Day of

Everyone was really nice and supportive of each other and I loved that. And generally, I didn't feel any nerves, until it came time for me to walk on "stage". They start off asking you to introduce yourself and answer a question like "Why did you start pole dancing?" and "How has pole dancing changed your life, if at all?" I detest public speaking. Like, I really do. You can make me dance anything in front of a bunch of strangers, but for me to talk to them about myself? I hated it. I was trying reaaaalllly hard not to cry, but too bad my voice was shaking despite my efforts. I drew strength from my beautiful smiling friends though - Christine and Cynthia, thanks for showing up for me these past weeks and today!! Toxotic gang is truly one of the best things I have gained from pole dancing. 

Anyway, I performed. Stumbled a bit at the start, but I thought the rest of it was great. I really do adore performing. I like to play a character and shove it in the audience's face. I need to be playing a character on stage in order to feel comfortable - I can't just be me, lol. That's how it has always been. 

When we went back in for the results, I wanted to just schlep in in my Exowear jumpsuit, but Farhana stopped me, thankfully. But I was malas to put my heels back on because I'm not gonna win anything, after all. I even mentally reminded myself to practise my Gracious Loser face. 

So I was really shocked when they announced my name for second runner-up! Immediately started tearing up, which might explain why I look so tortured in my photos with Viv. I'm so happy and proud that my lil chorey and my execution of it got me placed! It was truly all I could have hoped for, after seeing all the amazing performances by the other competitors. 

Y'all wouldn't believe how much money (on sequined top, Pearl's Hill Studio whole studio bookings, random tools like styling mousse and mascara, and of course the headpieces I didn't wear), tears, and brain space (including multi-tasking during work hours to think through my routine) I have poured into this competition. Admittedly, most of this pouring is because of my own standards, and not the studio/judges forcing anything. But.. Yeah this is just how I tackle things - I kind of put my all and more into it. So I'm really thankful for the result, and I would like to compete again someday, but only after I've gotten stronger (as in, can aerial invert beautifully 100% of the time, plus maybe shouldermount). 

Anyway, there's no Exo Gen category for Campy Burlesque Extravaganza yet. 😜

BGT Prep Part 3

Okay, so the first version of the choreo was done. I started in early October and submitted it on 7 November, so I guess the process took about a month, which I was quite proud of, considering I was doing two term classes up to mid-October, and four (!!) term classes from 17 October. Why did I sign up for four classes? Cos I rambang mata, that's why. It did help that I didn't spend practice time on three of those classes, I suppose.

Costume-wise, I was envisioning a beaded 1920s-style top with a kain wrapped around me slinkily to look like Jessica Rabbit's dress, and I just rip off the kain at the start of the piece. But when I tested it, my legs were fucking trapped by the kain, so I reduced the cloth size to just a scarf around my neck. I was looking for something to match my ASOS top, and realised that the gold headscarf my mom bought me earlier this year is the perfect colour, so in it went. It's just draped on my neck at the start, and I swish it a couple times, then I ball it up and throw it away, as if I'm disgusted by you, the lover I'm pursuing.

Anyway, okay, submitted. I was so afraid that I would immediately be rejected at the preliminary judging round, because I don't have any aerial tricks in my piece. But I generally felt better than I did in October, as it was a load off my shoulders regardless.

The judges' comments came back within the week and.. Colour me shocked - they didn't say "Hello please add more tricks into your piece!" Instead, they basically wanted me to milk my moves and interact with the audience a bit more by moving away from the pole. Okay, that was totally unexpected to me. My brain started frantically thinking of which bits I could cut out to make room for the whole "let go of the pole and flirt with the audience" thing. At the same time, I was also wondering, But it's a pole competition, how come I have to let go of the pole? Also also, Tania was like, Don't throw away the scarf, you should reincorporate it later in the routine. I was like, Crap, why did I pandai-pandai go and include a prop?

But then! I started watching the Invert Bend and Balance Symposium videos from 15 November, where many of the speakers basically echoed whatever the judges advised me. They shared that the key to a successful pole performance was not a bunch of powerful tricks but instead making the audience root for your character. And that if you have a prop, you need to be interacting with it for most of the time that the prop is on stage. Otherwise, the audience will be distracted by wondering what's gonna happen with the prop. I learned so much from the symposium, and I'm glad I took time out to watch the videos.

I was sad, though. I really liked this one Kira Noire archback-slide-to-shoulderpike move that I put in the piece, and I was loath to remove it. But ohwell, we want to win this competition, do we not? Take it out and put it in another future choreo lor. 

So yeah, scrapped maybe 30-40 seconds of the piece and replaced it with me rolling to the front and glaring (jeling, in Malay) at the audience, strangling myself with the scarf, standing up sexily, whipping the imaginary lover with my scarf, etc. I did think it looked waaay better after the changes, and I submitted it to the judges in early December during the feedback clinic. They also thought it looked better, and started giving me technical notes this time. So yay I guess!

Since then, I haven't practised the routine as much as I'd like to - only five pole pracs (2-3 full runs per prac) based on my calendar. It's partly because I'm starting to get tired of the song, I'm afraid I will lose the emotional engagement if I overpractise, and all the practising is starting to feel artificial without an audience. I find that for class choreos, even though I have it down pat for in-class performances, the moment I get to showtime, I forget some shit or end up doing other nonsense moves. So.. haha I'm so scared I will do it for this!

Also the scariest part I think is the "standing up sexily" part. Ya I can stand up fine in a static practice, but in the momentum of the choreo, sometimes I lose my balance. And if I lose my balance, I lose my face. I haven't fallen down yet but oh my God is it my biggest fear for this piece. 

I made a list of the elements which I might screw up and ended up with ten things! Ten! And me with no more private studio pracs until the competition!

Okay so. Whatever. I will try not to overthink this. If you're catching the competition, I hope you enjoy the performance and know that I tried my best to stay calm for you, the audience. Lol.

BGT Prep Part 2

 

I'm back! Feeling slightly better after my midweek angst. I did cry last night at It's A Wonderful World, but who wouldn't, eh?

I took the above photo last night. It's the hardest trick from my BGT piece, and it's clearly inspired from Ceci's Old School choreos. I went through dozens of entry and exit attempts before I found one that (mostly) worked. I also added leg circles before the exit at Ishie's suggestion, which is another risky move because if I don't engage my core enough, I'll fall out of it. 

I took the above photo because I wanted to prove to myself after the last post that I can still take great pictures. To remind myself that we have our off days, but most of the time, we can still excel in things we are good at. And to appreciate those moments when we have them. 

Let's now talk about a happier sub-topic of this BGT experience - the choreo creation! I usually pick the song before I start choreographing, and I did the same here. I made a shortlist of the songs I wanted to use, and their corresponding themes:

• Apa Sia by Fariz Jabba - cool hip-hop exo 
• Your Heart Is As Black As Night by Melody Gardot - sexy sensual showgirly 
• Oh Na Na by Masia One - flirty hip-hop exo
• Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse soundtrack (What's Up Danger or Scared of the Dark) - fierce/emo hip-hop exo
• Why I Still Love You by Missy Elliott - groovy exo
• Almost Paradise by Mike Reno - barefoot contemp

I actually really wanted to try Almost Paradise because it would be fun and challenging to try to emote everything into a Vanda-like contemp choreo with cool shapes. But I eventually plumped for Melody Gardot, because (a) I've been wanting to do a broody injured-Catwoman music video to it for like a year; (b) the costume would be the easiest to identify with - I was thinking Miss Fisher fan dance meets Jessica Rabbit; and (c) the song duration was like 10-20 seconds above the 2.5 minute requirement, and those extra seconds could be cut easily without losing the song's feeling. 

So then I had to work on the actual moves. First I had to decide what cool tricks I would put into it. Inverts and handstands are out, since I can't do those during peacetime, let alone in the middle of a full choreo. But I can do shoulder stands and some pirouettes! Those are considered technically difficult, right? So in went the Ceci shoulder stand split. Also it had been more than six months since my last shoulder stand split, so I had to teach myself to do it again. It was painful, especially for my obliques and butt, and I still get bruises on my supporting shoulder now, but beauty is pain. Then there was one sax-y music interlude that I had to insert the Daphne Lux 16 Shots twisty-grip "step back many times" move into - it's my favourite part of the piece. Then I just filled in the rest by freestyling and seeing what worked. 

I did most of this first part with my home pole, in socks because I couldn't be bothered removing the foam mat from the dance area. The first time I brought it to the studio, I nearly died because a lot of the socks move did not translate to heels, at my prevailing level of flexibility! So I had to revise some moves in the studio. From then on, aside from the shoulder stand combo, I just choreoed in the studio, because I didn't want to lose precious time from this whole socks-heels ability gap. 

But I totally appreciate my home pole for giving me the extra time and space I needed to create the choreo early! I am blessed.

Okay the tone of this post is much happier than the last one, so I'm glad I managed to fight my destructive thoughts. More on the choreo process in the next post!

BGT Prep

I've been on the verge of tears for the past couple of weeks, which is depressing to admit, considering my birthday was yesterday, and you're supposed to be happy on your birthday (!). 

I can't pinpoint why exactly I feel this way. There's some loneliness because I've literally been alone for most of this past week, there's some disappointment because I was hoping to have moved into my new home for my birthday - my ID promised, back in March! - but I suspect it's the whirlwind of emotions surrounding my recent decision to join Breathe's Got Talent. 

Yeah, it started out normally, with the usual pit of nervousness gathering in my stomach every time I thought of the competition, and the restless energy involved in my choreography process, etc. But with the competition less than a month away, I'm feeling feelings that I'm sure are unhealthy.

We had an informal photoshoot the other day to take the promo pics that the studio would post on Instagram. I didn't feel nervous at all, because aren't I used to photoshoots? Don't people always comment on what a natural I am at posing for the camera? I let myself feel buoyed by those past positive comments, and assumed I'd do just fine this round. But then the studio texted me that evening to say, Hey, the photos on your Instagram have much nicer lines, would you wanna use those instead? And I felt really disappointed and betrayed by myself. How could I have failed something as simple as a photoshoot? How could a random photo taken with a self-timer in Pearl's Hill Studio be nicer than a photo taken by someone else? Am I really as capable as I think I am? 

But I mean, it could just have been my off day, right? People are allowed to have those. So I just buried those feelings as best as I could, and moved on with life. 

Then this week, the studio started posting the series of promo photos, and everyone so far - three ladies - look fucking phenomenal, and all the photos are taken in the studio, so won't I be the only dumbass whose promo photo is taken in a totally different pole studio? And why do they all look so good, while my shots didn't pass muster? I'm never gonna get enough likes on my photo to prop up my scores. 

I'm so angry with my body for betraying me on photoshoot day, and so sad that I didn't get a chance to make it right, and now I don't even want to see my promo photo if and when it's ever posted. Why didn't the studio offer me another chance to shoot again? Why do I care about this so much?!

Well, who joins a competition not wanting to win? Of course I want to win. I know I'm not the strongest and trickiest pole dancer there is, but I am a good performer. I like engaging the audience while I dance. And just like the photoshoots thing, multiple people have told me that they enjoy watching me perform; they enjoy the expression I put into the dance, and I suppose it helps that I can usually remember the choreography, so I'm not distracting the audience or myself by watching for cues from another dancer. So.. these comments also made me think that I might be in with a fighting chance! 

I love dancing so much. Like, I just do. And it's a bit like that time in kindergarten when we did some "mama hen and her chicks" dance - I was jealous of my friend Norlian, who got to be the mama hen in a shiny satin costume, while I was just another chick in a generic chick costume. I want to be the star! I want to capture the audience's attention! I want them to leave the venue with lingering thoughts of how amazing and captivating I was on stage! 

Is that the same as winning the competition? I know sometimes it's not. During TBB's Amateur Night competition, Lily won the competition, but I still think about Rachie's Pink Panther performance the most. 

I keep having to stop typing because I need to cry. I wish I wasn't such a crybaby. 

I struggled with wanting to join this competition, because I hate rejection, and not winning will just equal a rejection to me. But I joined anyway, so it's too late to shy away from imminent rejection now. I just.. don't see a chance at winning this thing. And I will take it personally because it's just who I am, plus I haven't competed enough to develop a healthy lack of attachment to the piece. This piece is a woman flirting with a potential lover, teasing them, smacking them playfully, but really wanting them to want her. Putting a bold face on it all, but inside she's insecure and just wanting approval. I too want the audience's approval. So I guess.. this piece is me. 

And now I have to stop crying and tahan two more weeks and just go out and try to entertain the crowd. 

This post is so self-pitying, but I want to publish anyway, because after 7 January, I might forget all these emotions, and I might make the mistake of joining another competition. 

Don't be skeevy

I'm back after, wow, five years of silence. I've really missed writing, and I guess I neglected it in favour of posting dance videos on Instagram? IDK.

So we're in the middle of COVID-19 years now, which gloriously means we get to work from home (WFH) and attend courses from home too! I attended a CSC course in early Feb this year, to fulfil a requirement of my learning plan on policy-making or whatever. It was a mornings-only course, over three days, and conducted on Zoom with the request to turn on our video so that the lecturer could assess the class engagement better. 

The course was fine - lecturer clearly knows what he's talking about, and I thought the hands-on activities did aid my understanding. He also seems to love talking, and he likes to ask us questions when he thinks we're too quiet. He'd call on people at times, as well. If we had our own questions, we could ask them orally or in the chat. All good, all fine, I could deal with that.

Anyway, on the last day of the course, I was just minding my own business and listening to the content, when I saw a chat pop up, saying something like "You look familiar, are you my neighbour? Blk [redacted] [in neighbouring town]." I was shocked. I thought that the sender had put this in the full chat, but when I calmed down slightly, I realised that he'd messaged me privately. On Zoom. A fellow course attendee, from a different agency, messaged me privately on Zoom. 

Okay, no biggie, it's fine. It's an innocent question. Just because I don't know what any of my neighbours look like, aside from the families living next door and across from us, doesn't mean that other people are as unfriendly and unobservant as I am. So I replied him: "Haha no, I'm in [my town]." 

And he replied something like, "Oh, wonder why you look familiar."

I don't fucking know, get off my back. I ignored him after that, but it crossed my mind that he might have seen my pole content on IG? Oh well, whatever, he's not the boss of me. 

So that was that.

But it wasn't! A couple of days ago, an unknown account messaged me on IG, saying I looked familiar. This private account had 1 post, was following 80ish others, and had 80ish followers itself. It wasn't actually following me, though. From the profile pic, it looked vaguely like this CSC course guy, so I replied, "Haha are you the [agency he's from] guy?" And yes, yes he was. 

At first he was just asking normal innocuous things like am I still working from home, etc. He mentioned that my IG posts were cool. Then he went ahead to say "if you don't mind we can continue talking on WhatsApp" and gave me his number. 

And it just really bothered me. 

A while later, I replied, "Oh but you know I'm married, right?" 

And he said, "Oh I'm married too. It's only if you don't mind talking on WhatsApp," or something to that effect.

I'm still disturbed, actually. Why does it bother me? After all, my IG is essentially a pole dancing account, so I get creeps and randos following me etc. Let me try to puzzle out why, or if I'm just being a prude. (Which is quite ironic, considering the type of person I was 10 years ago.)

I don't like "work people" on my socials
When I was working with some regular volunteers, one of them sent me a Facebook friend request. I ignored it. He's a really nice guy who's always polite and respectful, and very generous with his knowledge. But I just didn't want to interact with him on a personal level. Same goes for most of my colleagues, unless we're already friends. 

I don't want to be friends with men
Not sure if this has anything to with being married, but I have heterosexual male friends from before I got married, and we don't even chat unless there's something to chat about! Okay, actually I don't have many such friends hahaha. There's Zul and Mizi who were Cutes' friends first. I interact with Zul on IG over his adorable kid, and Cutes and I hang out with Mizi sometimes. There's Suff, whose rising writing career I support sometimes. 
Chatting with strangers is so tiring to me. I can't think of why I would chat with anyone, male or female, on the regular, unless we already have something in common. My school friends, my pole friends, my Zumba friends, some friends I met through a crisis work project, etc. These friendships were formed organically after we participated in activities together and found common interests. That's what holds us together, right? I mean, we talk about other topics too, like families and stuff, and we find out things that are different from each other, but then we laugh about those differences, and we bond together even more. 
I'm not the most popular person in the world, but I don't feel the need for more friends. My life is full and busy with work, endless classes, and time with Cutes. Even if I did want extra friends, I would make them at the ballet or pole studio. I'm not about to seek someone out from a work-related event and start getting to know them. Please, Cutes and I didn't even stay in touch with the people from our Spanish class!
I guess this turned into I don't want to be forced to be friends. This isn't kindergarten anymore, I can choose who I wish to be friends with. 

I think I'm disturbed because this incident implies that this married men in particular is just going around trying to make friends with random women he encounters in his daily life. Just.. giving out his number and wanting to get to know women through texting. Or, ugh, possibly calling. (I hate calling people. It's been this way ever since I was in primary school, when my friends would write their numbers in my autograph books and I would do.. absolutely nothing with that information.) It's skeevy, isn't it skeevy? I would not be happy with my husband if he was doing that. I hope he's not doing that. 

Isn't it so achingly painful and awkward to do that dance of "what's your age? what are your hobbies? favourite food? favourite music?" (By the way, most of these questions can be answered by scrolling through my public IG feed.) What is the intended payoff of that? We can visit each others' houses for Raya? Our kids can have playdates? We can go have lunch and talk about.. What? What do we have in common?!

I don't think I'm isteri mithali or anything, but I don't want to chat with any man on the regular, unless it's my husband. He's the only man I find interesting right now. Except for, y'know, dashing celebrities like Jason Momoa and Sonny Bill Williams. So don't try making friends with me. We hit it off at our shared activity, or we don't, and that's the end of it. 

Staycay Skincare

Cutes and I went for a staycay last weekend, just for one night. He reminded me to pack light because I always overpack and get grumpy when I have to lug my heavy bag around. So I stared at my arsenal of skincare and debated what to bring for over a week.

I took along:

• Eye and lip makeup remover: Biore Cleansing Oil Cotton Facial Sheets
• First cleanser: Etude House Real Art Moisture Cleansing Oil (foil sample)
• Second cleanser: Belif Creamy Cleansing Foam (30ml mini)
• Hydrating toner: Kikumasamune High Moist Lotion (in Daiso travel bottle)
• Moisturiser: Muji Sensitive Moisturising Milk High Moisture (50ml)
• Lip occlusive: Vaseline Lip Therapy Crème Brulee

I thought everything worked great, but I just wanted to highlight the major dud here, which was the EH Cleansing Oil. I got this in the AB meetup swap last month, and I thought it would be a great alternative to try, since DHC Deep Cleansing Oil is sooo mahal. Also, I didn’t feel like carrying around the full-sized DHC one for a one-night getaway, so the fact that this came in a foil packet was quite appealing to me. I was shocked by the strong unpleasant, fake citrus smell. It also didn’t feel as thick and luxurious and slippery on my face as the DHC. So, even though I had like 2 more uses left of the oil, I left it in the hotel room because I am never using that again. The smell was such an insult to my senses, and it also lingered sadistically for the next couple hours or so. I just read Fiddy Snails’ blog post on this, and she hates it too, for similar reasons and more.

I also wanted to comment that the Biore sheets are pretty handy for eye makeup removal. I always do a pre-cleanse of my eye and lip makeup with the bi-phase makeup remover from L’oreal or Maybelline, but I didn’t wanna bring a bottle of that along, so the Biore sheets are nice and portable and do the job just as well. Of course, the Biore sheets are pricier per use than the makeup remover, so I’d use the sheets for short periods of travel, and the makeup remover for home.

Overall, I’m quite pleased with the small volume of supplies I brought along for the staycay, and my skin seemed happy enough, even in the really hot weather outside and the really dry weather inside. I think I could build on this minimal travel routine for next month’s two-week trip to Perth. I figure I’ll skip the hyaluronic acid (because low humidity), buy a more airtight travel bottle for my Kiku decant, and bring lots of gels and creams and stuff.

October 2017 Empties

I had a really impressive amount of empties in October, so I split them up into three categories so I won't feel too overwhelmed. I'm trying to do this whole buy new only when you empty the current one, so it's important that I don't buy any duds.

From left: The Ordinary "Buffet", Olay Regenerist Micro Sculpting Cream Moisturiser, Bioderma Sebium Micellar Water, Phasilab Ice Cream, Murad Acne Body Wash, Belif Aqua Bomb, Clinique All About Eyes Rich, Mizon All In One Snail Repair Cream, white soft paraffin, DHC Suncut Q10 Ex Gel

Love = would totally repurchase 

Murad Acne Body Wash 
I got this when Gothamista recommended it for, well, body acne, duh. It’s expensive, as all Murad products are, at $80ish for 250ml of product. However, I only use it on my back, chest and butt, so I managed to make it last from March, which is an impressive 7 months. I think that’s a nice comfortable stretch, no? Also, it really does work. I used to get painful cystic acne on my back and other smaller pimples on my chest, and they went away after a week of using this on alternate days. I bought this one at the Sephora 20% off sale earlier this year, and I just repurchased its replacement during last month’s Sephora 20% off sale. If I do happen to use it up more quickly, it goes for about $5-$10 cheaper on Lazada, so there’s that.

DHC Suncut Q10 Ex Gel 
This was the first new sunscreen I bought after I got into skincare this year. Prior to that, I’d been using the SK-II one, which I wrote about in my September Empties post. At first, I was slightly unhappy with this sunscreen, because I thought it left my skin feeling a little greasy, so I went and bought lots of Biore mattifying sunscreens after that. But then, my skin decided to turn from oily to dry, and now I love this sunscreen for its moisturising properties. It also spreads well, which is more than I can say for the SK-II version. It doesn’t leave a white cast, and I noticed that this is a physical sunscreen (can’t pick out the chemical ones from the ingredient list), so that’s amazing. I just repurchased one last Friday, because I can’t bear to use my mattifying sunscreens on my dry cheeks.

Belif The True Cream – Aqua Bomb (Deluxe Sample) 
I already finished a full size of this in September. It’s still a great light moisturiser. The only problem is that it’s Belif, so it’s like $1/ml, which – whutt. Since my skin transformed from oily to dry about six months ago, I mostly used this in the day, or just on my forehead and neck. I’ve totally run out of the Aqua Bomb now, but I’m testing the new Water Bomb in its place. So far, the Water Bomb is more, well, watery, but it doesn’t seem to absorb into my skin as quickly. It’s also cheaper, because it’s $58 for 75ml. Once I decide which I prefer, I’ll repurchase that.

Bioderma Sebium Purifying Cleansing Micelle Solution (Micellar Water) 
I bought this after watching Stephanie Nicole’s skincare video around April this year. It’s amazing how this feels gentle on the skin, but somehow manages to remove heavy foundation and eye makeup (well, maybe not Heroine Make mascara, but whatevs). However, I think it’s pretty pricey compared to other brands’ versions. Also, I now prefer oil cleansing over micellar water for my first cleanse, so I was just using this for cleaning my neck at night, HAHA. Anyway, I have like 40% of a large bottle of Garnier micellar water to use up, so I’ll repurchase this once I’m completely out, then. I heard the Hydrabio and Sensibio ones are good too, so I might try one of those instead.

White soft paraffin 
I got this from my doctor when I went in for my extremely dry and chapped lips. It really helped ease the pain and it’s a good occlusive layer that doesn’t murder my lips like lanolin does. I have no idea where to get a replacement – I’m sure there’s a markup if I repurchase this at the clinic – but in the meantime, I’m using a Vaseline Lip Therapy over my existing Vichy Aqualia Thermal lip balm, which does the job.


Meh = won’t repurchase, but I’d use it again if someone gifted it to me 

The Ordinary “Buffet” 
This was in my Twelve Pans of Christmas for r/MakeupRehab, so I was pleased to finish it. I didn’t really see any effects with this serum, and it also smarted slightly if my skin was especially sensitive that day. I do like the texture, though, because it’s a viscous clear liquid that is slightly sticky when I finish patting it in. I know, I’m crazy for enjoying sticky toners and serums, but I just feel that they are more substantial than watery toners, and they give my face a nice chok chok effect. I’m currently testing Mizon Snail Recovery Gel Cream in place of this.

Phasilab Ice Cream 
I’ve been using this for the last, oh I dunno, five years? Ever since I started getting Brazilian waxes at Strip, basically. I do like the slightly runny, creamy texture, and the cooling sensation it leaves. It definitely soothes my skin down under, and also the more public parts of my skin like the inside of my elbows, whenever I get a heat rash or whatever. However, I’ve realised that over $50 for 50ml of product is too expensive. The product doesn’t keep well for longer than 6 months, especially in my non-air-conditioned room, and I don’t use it up that quickly. So I’m just gonna skip this. I’ve replaced it with Kiku and there hasn’t been any adverse effects so far.

Clinique All About Eyes Rich 
I got this in the Rich version because I felt that my eyes were dry and crepey whenever I put on undereye concealer (NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer). It hasn’t shown any actual effects, and I still have milia, and it looks like I have even more milia now, so… Not repurchasing, and I’m idly shopping around for a new eye cream that is not grossly overpriced. At the moment I just use my Belif Water Bomb and I don’t bother with concealer anymore, so it’s great.


Nope = won’t repurchase, won’t use it on my face even if you paid me 

Olay Regenerist Micro-Sculpting Cream Moisturiser 
I wrote about this in my last Empties post, because I’d bought two of these on Stephanie Nicole’s recc. I managed to finish this by using it on my chest and butt. It works well there, but I’m not spending $30 for 50ml of chest-and-butt moisturiser.

Mizon Multi Function Formula All In One Snail Repair Cream 
I expected to love this, but I was wrong. It was actually rave reviews for the Snail Recovery Gel Cream that I’d been reading, not this one. It looked creamy, but was very watery, and it absorbed quickly with no trace, i.e. my skin was just as dry once I’d put it on. Also it would smart slightly if my skin was sensitive so it was altogether an unpleasant experience. I finished this on my body, too.


Aaand that's it for October! I'm proud of myself for managing to use up these things, even the less pleasant ones. I can't wait to get rid of more of the stuff I currently dislike, so I can try to find new ones that I'll love.