"she has great potential.." --mrs chew to mrs CF chan and mrs shirley tan
in the malay room, baba and i sang the rj school song and i was faltering because i was crying.
in the hall, we sang the school song and i was crying.
mrs tan gave the stats. i paid attention for the first part [top students, etc.], and when she sed that 100% of us got at least 1 distinction, i was like,"oh good at least i got one A2." and lyn like, killed me about then. when she went subject by subject, i buried my head in my hands and started crying.
there was a flurry of fake activity when the results slips were handed out. fake because even though it wasn't our turn yet, we'd all crowded to the front. when it was my turn, we had to sign and check particulars. mrs chew sed,"is everything correct?"--i nodded--"are you sure? have you checked everything?"--i nodded--"don't just keep nodding!!" and mrs chan and mrs tan both laughed. [btw, what were they doing there? wad was so special about my klass that they both had to sit there at OUR table? freaky.]
so then i got my results slip. they only had the grades there, diden calculate the l1r5 for us. then someone told me that it was in the sealed thing. so i was like,"excuse me, excuse me.." trying to go to the back of the hall, where there was.. no one. then i sat down cross-legged on the floor and opened the sealed form. L1R5=06 and i just started crying. and i couldn't stop! i really couldn't! i was just crying and crying and crying. it really sounded and looked as if i was sad not happy. it was even worse than my malay A1-crying and my PSLE-crying. and i bet the reporter [who filmed me and fana crying!] thot we got 54 points or something.. i was just soooooo happy. i was bawling. weeping. and i still can't believe it.
syukur alhamdulillah.

this is it. i can hardly believe it. and at this point i just feel like shooting every single person who has ever sed things like,"yu'll be the top malay student!" or "you'll get 6 points!" to me. that'll be, among others, fana, nadia and firdaus. and if anyone says anything liddat to me TODAY, i will stare them down. i will stare them down until they shrivel, and i will haunt them in their dreams. and they will never again have peace. why? because they purposely gave me false hope.
dun get me wrong, i don't hate these people, but i just don't get why they can't understand that MY way of dealing is to imagine the worst possible outcome, and then, if the situation permits, i can be pleasantly surprised and NEVER bitterly disappointed. THEIR way, if i acherli do well, all i will think is, ohyeah i expected that.. so what is the point rite? so people, please respect the way *i* deal with pressure. and then don't apply your method to me, thereby attempting to override my method. shits.
why is my typing screwed? i guess it must be getting to me, even though i claim it doesn't. so anyway, bye. im going to bishan in like, 1 hour.. decided not to go rg cos im just too lazy..

im feeling extremely stuffed today. physically and philosophically.
i was walking to the mrt station with gillian just now.. and.. she asked me,"u noe all ur eye candy and stuff? what do u hope to get out of it?" or smthg liddat. and i was really stumped ah. like, stumped. and.. yah..
one of the great things about eye candy is you get to enjoy yourself without committing.. itz alot of fun, and you can haf alot at one time, and keep changing with the times.. and it really puts sum kinda spark into your day when itz bleak and cloudy.
gillian sed that when she has a crush, she usually wantz to know if he's attached, and then if he is, like, back off ah..
but i've never been any sort of aggressive crusher.. and i used to really CARE if my crush was attached, but now im older and wiser [really and truly!], i know that no one likes me anyway, so it really doesn't matter if my crush is married or actively looking.. the point is, he'll never be mine either way, so i just forget everything except crushing him arh.. yarh.
then i clarified that i always hope and dream that feelings are mutual, and harp on it from time to time, but really. it doesn't consume me or anything. and at the end of the day, i accept [reluctantly] the crushing reality that no one WILL ____ ____ __.
sigh. this whole eye candy system has its drawbacks, i have to admit. but itz just the next best alternative to advertising urself, duncha think? haha.

i watched hot chick with my family just now. it rocks! itz really cool and very colourful. i love colourful movies, in case yu dun know.. and itz absolutely hilarious.. i wouldn't mind watching it again.. haha.. i lurve april's character the best.. and she's sooo sweet n pretty too! and the lil brother is DAMN adorable.. haha. well. nite.

nizam azi n i got a lift home frm sya's dad just now.. and after azi got down, we got to tokking abt ri-rgs relations.. and i mentioned how i thot at one point that raihan hated me cos he simply refused to talk to me.. and.. yah.. and then nizam told me that all his [raihan's] frens were suaning him abt him and me!!! erm, im SORRY for saying hi infront of everyone ah. but itz acherli not wrong. itz just underdone. mannn.. i guess tt's why he refused to acknowledge me after that..
but im not gonna rest until i find out who those idiots are who raihan-ed me and fana.
quick question: just because i say hi to someone does not automatically make me his girlfriend, right? thanks.
don't worry, everything's back to normal now. thank god. it's pretty shitty to lose friends, but itz always great to make new ones.

Insight of the Week
First dates are a lot like job interviews; you're under the pressure of selling your best features while assessing what your company has to offer you! With a little prep work, though, you can make your date a delight not a disaster.

Before you meet your date, be sure to look your best. Having a spot on your shirt or something stuck in your teeth won't make the greatest impression. Also, if you have time, take a moment to think about all your great qualities so that you go into the date feeling confident. Make it a point to be on time to show that you're considerate and responsible.

While you're on the date, remember to be yourself and let the positive points of your personality shine through. That means minding your manners and being a good listener, as well as conversationalist. Conversations about past relationships are best avoided. Try to keep conversation light and upbeat. Don't worry about the what-ifs down the road if you two connect. Focus on the here and now of each and every date. And don't forget to smile and enjoy yourself! Dates are supposed to be fun. And who knows? It could lead to something really great as long as you don't force it there!

now.. how did emode know i'd need this EXACT insight?
anyway, i watched dil to pagal hai just now, and i lurve it! hehe.. and towards the end i found myself thinking of certain persons.. and of cos throughout, i was thinking of fana.. haha.. yah anyway. bye.

im glad i diden come online last night. i would have ranted about my depression to bore the screen to tears. and now im in a better mood, so i kan sorta view yesterday more objectively.
but first rite, i would like to state that i was VERI HAPPY in the earlier part of the day.. during the second break we were sitting in the bamboo garden doing hw/chatting/listening to music.. and then at one point, i saw the cutest senior class guy walking towards lt1 ah.. and since i think he's cute, i was just looking at him n his frens ah. den i realised that one of his frens was holding sum orange thingy in his hand.. it was my double decker, attached to the postcard, which was attached to the paper bag containing the bar of soap!! so i realised that was the genuine jerome.. and i dunno y, but i felt soooooooo overwhelmed! i was practically dying of happiness, for sum obscure reason. haha. but i think that for me, maybe giving IS better than receiving. therefore, my happiness. =D -heeeeeeeuuuuuuuuge grin-
well the sad part came hit when i was in bk after drama with azi and sya. rachel came in to meet aimee.. and she came in with this guy. and i knew instantly that he was somehow romantically connected with her. and that night, i remembered what she dreamt about us both being in rj, and bumping into each other while walking hand-in-hand with our bfs, and being really happy for each other becos that's what we've been wanting since ever. and i was just so CRUSHED becos half of her dream was coming true, it seemed, but where did that leave me? i was very very very depressed, and i stated that i hate vday. and i still state that i hate vday. and i will continue to hate it until someone can acherli change my mind ah. yah. warh.. i think becos im sum kinda hopeless romantic, the whole rachel's-dream-leaving-me-dry thingy is just more painful for me than it would be for others.
ooh. we met miss ng hwee huang during the walk from holland v to buona vista mrt!!! i was soooo happy to c her ah. since ms lee reminds me of her, i miss her even more ah.. she's back with moe now, in the pw dept.. yah..
neway.. that's abt it.. so.. bye.

im not in a terrific mood rite now. erm. but i always count my blessings. tonight i won't count them by numbers, but just by the overall feeling the combined blessings give me.
i met up with fana for the second time this year. went to school with a crush--the one i recently dreamt abt. i got in one prayer today. i diden have to rush for 53 today. the snickers bar jerome gave me was deeelish. saw a really cute acj2 guy who took triple one with us: he has a liddle-boy-face. i saw shanz.. =) i saw lims..=D badak gave me a half-smile today. =S i bought v-day prezzies for my senior class angel and mortal already. jerome is getting a bar of soap that's transparent with red twizzler-ish patterns. my angel will be getting a silver bracelet with a flower on it.
wow. now im happy. for about 5 minutes, but im happy anyway, and eternally grateful. ohyah here's a pic of me as a tk gerl. does it suit me? i believe it does!

"Not to be used for the other use." --on a Japanese food processor.
hi. itz been a pretty long time. ok, itz only like, 3 days, but it still seems rather long. maybe cos i have so much to write about.. but i won't do that here [i've learnt my lesson!], of course.
yesterday after the gen meeting, baba sya and i went back to rg. it was.. nice.. it was a wonderful mld orientation, everyone was participating, and the different segments and games were cool. plus the pizza and drinks helped. i must say that batch can really get things done. and it was very sweet of them [either the entire perbayu or just the tarian sector] to give us little presents. sya got a silver band, but im kinda glad they diden give me the same, cos it probably wouldn't have fit. hehe. i got like, senget earrings, which kinda fit my personality, duncha think? i still miss rgs. but what can i do? im in rj now. i would say itz the next best thing.

You want to be regarded as an exiting and interesting personality able to persuade others to comply with your beliefs and ideas. You are charming and able to influence other people who come into your sphere of influence. You like mental stimulation and you are the sort of person who is prepared to 'try anything once'. Your confidence is so much so that others are often swept away by your enthusiasm.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

The way things are, you feel that you are stuck in a rut and there is not much you can do about it. You feel frustrated and inhibited but if you can find a way to let yourself go, you may find that things aren't quite so bad as perhaps you thought they were. One consolation is that since you are an extremely emotional individual, with the right person you may be able to release some of that frustration and tension with some mutual tender loving care.

It is said that we are all influenced by our environment and indeed you are no exception. It would seem at this time that even though you may be surrounded by people, you are experiencing an inner loneliness. Fortunately you are sufficiently strong minded to realise that life has a great deal to offer you and that you may miss your share of experiences if you fail to make the best use of every opportunity. You therefore pursue your objectives with a fierce intensity and are prepared to commit yourself deeply and readily. You believe that whatever you would like to do or think 'you can do' - you do! It is because of this attitude that you may be considered by others as arrogant and even conceited, but its fair to say that whatever it is that you really want out of life you will put your heart and soul into it and will not take 'NO' for an answer.

You are putting on a show - a facade. You are a master of demonstrating considerable charm in the hope that this can or will lead to better things. Deep down you are fearful that this may not work and that you may have to employ other strategies in order to realize all your ambitions.

You are worn out - suffering from what has been described as 'burnout' and nothing seems to stimulate you to break away from this state of lethargy. This situation is causing an acute distress situation and not being able immediately to resolve the problems is exposing you to excess stress and tension. You are endeavoring to break away from this situation by withdrawing into a state of 'Never Never Land' - an illusory substitute world in which things could be as you would like them to be. Now is the time to take time-out - to relax. A short break is all that you need and you will find that matters will resolve themselves.
--from Colorgenics Mood Analysis Test

i dreamt about faezah last night.
ok, no, not really, but it involved her. we were going to the rj library, then when we entered the outer doors we realised we were both in pe attire [rgs pe attire]. so i got all scared and panicky, and i ran out to change while she sat at a table inside and waited for me. btw, the library suddenly became 2-storey with nice red armchairs. and a spiral staircase to boot.
anyway dun worry the dream just resulted from this desperate desire of mine to go to the library and borrow vcds. and i went just now. i borrowed legally blonde and kate & leopold. both of which i have watched, but i love them both, so i thot since itz free, might as well borrow to enjoy again. and i watched the former just now, it's terrific.. definitely a chick flick of the highest quality. itz so feel-good.. and bright and cheery.. -sigh- well. bye.

harloe. i had a tolerable double-period pe today. and i got to see adam alot for the greater part of it.. =) hehe. and i went to holland v.. which is really not what i expected, especially since itz supposed to be khalil's regular study hangout.. yah.. well. shall go now. bye.

hi. i was at orchard today with my class [not all of it, of course] and i saw lotsa ppl.
tetty.
syah fidzuan.
eunice olsen. she is damn pretty and she looked really inconspicuous cos she was all black just now.
a thousand hot lims.
a thousand not-hot-at-all lims.
j-en and a lim who does not look like HER. but is comel.
yah that's about all. ohyah i can now officially play cards. thank you, yu-hsin. haha.

i was just reading kiru's livejournal and she was saying something about changes happening and hating them. i think i sort of know what she means.. and i thought i was the only one who felt that way.. but i guess it turns out im not.. and i feel so stupid and selfish for hating change.. i just thought i was over all this, that i'd learnt to accept, but now i know im NOT over it. and that i'll never learn to accept. simply because i can't. it's not in my nature.. *argh i feel horrible! calvin just called.. and.. im just such an @$$!!!! fir was right, i shd just not go for both.. why am i so selfish?!?!?! arghhh... im sorry everyone!!! im really sorry! i am! im sorry!!! to everyone i disappoint, hurt, belittle, turn down, make mad, et cetera.. i really am! im so selfish... im really sorry... i am.. please.. im sorry... i want NOT to be selfish.. but i am.. im so sorry.. i feel terrible.. but it's not gonna make my misdeed[s] any less shitty.. im sorry!!!* i know people change. i know the environment changes. i know everything changes, whether drastically or gradually.. and *I* could be changing for the worse; i HAVE changed over the years.. it's just that i don't realise it.. the changes we detect are not in ourselves but in others.. and so i'll never realise how i have changed, but i'll always be ready to realise when others have. and im always ready NOT to accept it.. but i have realised something about me: i've become really mean over the years.. and i don't think it's a reversible change.. so yah.. *im still sorry... but no matter how horrible i feel i just know everyone still hates me.. im SO SO sorry..*

i feel like crap.
acherli, no. i feel better than that. but i still dun feel fine.
july 17th was a sial day. and im really sorry about that. but i've stopped...! haven't i? so.. yah.. i dun actually understand why things came to a head yesterday when they were terrible for so long already.. there's so much i don't understand. but pls understand that i have ceased making inflammatory comments on a public domain. and all that shit was a real long time ago. and that july 17th was just a sial day. and should not be taken into account in the present day. as it IS 6 months later already. yes.
right now another problem is bogging me down. so i appear more impatient and intolerant ah.. and i really gotta make a decision. and i really dunno what to choose. and im afraid i'll just end up having a shitty day no matter how hard i try to choose the best.