i remember sitting on tt ride, clutching tight for dear life, and screaming your name. never ceasing. just screaming your name. feeling terrified, and screaming your name.
i remember feeling nervous, deciding what to wear, imagining your face. and when i finally saw you, my voice left me. and all courage left with my voice. watched you walk away, and they came back. and the tears spilled. couldn't stop. crying and crying, and i didn't know why. i could just watch me cry.
i remember scribbling in my textbook. your name. my name. and other names besides. weaving a story that'll never come to life.
i remember all the weird dreams. proposing to me in the malay room. comforting me. rebuilding my faith.
i remember the first time we met. it didn't seem so special then. but itz one of the few shreds of hope i cling onto.
i still save the chats. but you don't know.
i still smile at the thought of you. but you don't know.
and i'm pretty sure i still like you. but you don't know.

fana's right. itz so weird that there's this person you cry over, who's foremost on your mind, whom you always make a special effort for, whom you always dream about.. but they'll never know all that. itz funny. and it can't be helped. cos yu can't do anything to change the situation. cos u know u like them, but they'll never know. and you're not gonna be the one to tell them. cos u like them too much. and you can't make urself stop.
and i must be annoying the shit out of the people still reading this. bye.

as usual, wasn't going home in the best of moods. but i was in neutral mode, at least. decided to take the bus. i got the natural gas for cleaner air bus again. itz really cool. great aircon, comfy seats, nice view. it was raining when i got off at serangoon. and 53 took a helluva long time to come. and i was grumbling inside. but it finally came, and i sank thankfully into a seat right infront and started reading my book. but thatz not what i wanted to write about, was it?
someone tapped me on the shoulder. as i turned around, i was racing thru the possibilities in my mind. most of them were female. but i found myself facing him! and i acherli gasped. loudly. eeyer buat malu di khalayak ramai! so i'd just like to thank God for arranging fate such that i got to see him today. in the midst of the rain. the pw. the hunger. boredom. everything. i can't believe i could have missed him. if i'd chosen to pray asar at the surau. or if i'd taken train. or stayed at the artsfeste meeting. i came so close to missing him. but i diden. i diden.
i wanted to cry. laugh. scream. but we just talked for a couple of stops. as usual he expressed his disbelief tt i could be giler enuff to prolong my journey home.. haha. i'm always making him think i'm giler. ohwell.

okay so it was three bastards who stole his bike. i can't wish a fate deserving enough of them, so i'll leave it to God. and you know what else? now i kan't get that skater bag. cos i might as well contribute to zul's new-bike fund.
someday. they'll get their balasan.

hi. i'm still suffering from post-promos fever, i think. tired and all. [oh GOD my brother lost his bike! which bastard stole it?] and sleeping late + waking early is really damaging. not to mention pw. so today was ponning day. skipped chem lect, went to gallery n sat on the table watching handball. OM is really cute and funny and all. and BFG was funny too, which made me laugh and people looked up and i had to hide. sheesh. ponned maths lect too. and went home sleepy and tired. and none too happy. i hate sleeping on the bus cos itz so comfortable, you can't wake up, but u force urself to anyway, and end up feeling rotten.
watched elvis lives. he's really great. ok. bye.
wait. i really feel sorry for my brother. i think if i were him, i'd cry. and itz ramadhan now, so i'm really pissed with whichever asshole who stole his bike. and also, i think my brother went to terawih. how could someone steal a bike during terawih, during ramadhan? GOD. please get it back.
Are you lonesome tonight,
do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter summer day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

I wonder if you're lonesome tonight
You know someone said that the world's a stage
And each must play a part.
Fate had me playing in love you as my sweet heart.
Act one was when we met, I loved you at first glance
You read your line so cleverly and never missed a cue
Then came act two, you seemed to change and you acted strange
And why I'll never know.
Honey, you lied when you said you loved me
And I had no cause to doubt you.
But I'd rather go on hearing your lies
Than go on living without you.
Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there
With emptiness all around
And if you won't come back to me
Then they bring the curtain down.

Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?

my brother lykes beyonce and christina aguilera songs!!! [in addition to those normal noisy linkin park etc shits, of cos.] is it normal?

*kaoz* just checked the diskette to realise that the ppt we just slaved THREE hours over today is not in it!!?!?!?! i'm gonna cry. no, acherli i'm not. i don't cry over academia and the like. but still. we slaved over it?!?! i really dunno wat to do now. i feel lost. and u know wat else happened today? we left our "script" in the classroom, and later amir and i went up to get it, but we ended up hanging out outside the classroom for about 20 minutes cos we were skared to ask permission to go inside. so amir asked latte to pls retrieve the stuff for us. and so latte ducked under the camera to get the stuff. and guess what? it wasn't our stuff!!! i was laughing but crying, i swear. how did the day manage to go so wrong? and thatz not including our major ppt-sabotager-extraordinaire. she just barged in with her changes and i couldn't just sit there and watch and nod my head, so i scampered off to a free comp and sat there watching mun yuk edit her ppt. and doing a great job of it. i'm sorry. i had to run away. it was too painful watching our ppt being turned into a 1S03D PW grp clone. so yah. apparently it was changed twice. just as well itz gone, i guess. i'll try and see if we kan salvage it lar. haiz.
on a brighter note, i was in the toilet, trying to quell the urge to vomit after sitting thru 3 presentations. i was just standing there, infront of the mirror, looking at my urgh face. then i heard some guy's voice singing very close outside. dunno why, i thot it was latte. and he just continued singing to himself, at like, normal talking level or so. den i went out of the toilet and he happened to come out at the same time, STILL singing. and guess what? it was adam!!!!!!! i wanted to die. and he just glanced at me then continued singing and walking away. kalau ikutkan hati, i'd have just stood there staring, but i just shuffled a few steps away larh.. haha.
ooh also spent about 1-5 minutes of bliss at bus stop with OM. haha. if yu cld call it bliss.
i'm sorry. i believe PW has unhinged me. further than i've gone.

hey. i'm tired. all my efforts to forge ties between fana and clemmy-memmy have come to nothing. and my other efforts to track down mumu have been futile. totally useless. itz really tiring k!
but at the other end of the spectrum, my grp came to my hse today [first-time convenience for both julian and me!] and we just about finished the ppt. i think. i was supposed to do my script, but i'm kinda malas so it'll just be pushed to tmr ah.
there was a faint knocking on the door just now and my brother was like, "eh, someone's knocking." and i was like, "oh, really?" -trying to sound unconcerned but acherli skared- "you answer it ah!" i suggested. and he was like, "no, you go!" and we started laughing. and i sed, "are you sure someone knocked? i don't think so." "but i heard it!" he exclaimed. and so i sed, "then u answer it!" and then finally the person decided to ring the doorbell. "let mummy get it!" i sed. and my brother was like, "just answer it larh!" and started inching towards the door. and i was like, "turn on the lights!" so i followed him, while turning on the lights on the way to the door. anticlimatically, it was abg azhari. cheh. buat takotkan orang je.
hey, sorry, but i was watching the matrix so there was a scare factor in the air. haha. okay back to keanu reeves. hez so hot! ohwait speaking of hot, CJ was telling me how hot/cute/handsome aaron aziz is. haha. it was damn funny.

watched 25% of the first harry potter just now. haha. after doing a one-minute speech for pw. nothing like slacking, huh? anyway i'm not feeling great.. but i was just thinking that right now itz about 5 a.m. in the US and they're prolly not even awake yet so i was just wondering if i cld pop over and celebrate halloween there? someday, when i'm rich. i'll put that aside now, with my black/yellow/red sports car, black-and-silver-glittery wedding, bollywood movie, and [supposed] nine kids. no, cikgu, i'm not gonna marry ili's husband.
i really loved cip today. all cips should model themselves after this. plus, i'm semi-black now! haha. or so i think. =D

ohyes the pic of the guy there. he had this gorgeous, golden-brown tan.. really nice.. and those are blue reflective shades hez wearing. cute rite? haha.

heyya! itz a great day today. why? cos today i acherli went home from skl feeling happy. and why is that? hahaha. well... itz abit of a long and vague story.
we played floorball for pe again. it was fun! ..as floorball always is. i DO hate tt nyanyi2 guy tho. i think he's just all eksyen and no substance. and he's just seboking around, kalau comel takper, so he shd be shot. mr shah's hair is now sticking to his forehead. klakar sey. it looked betta when it was flopping about.
hm. took the train home. i was sitting there, reading the paper, i think. and then a couple of ppl got in. one of them was ili's "brother". haha. they diden c me at first, so i diden wanna have another sya's fren situation on my hands by calling out to them. so i shut up. then they came and stood infront of me, still not noticing me ah. then they looked at my shoes, and i looked at ili's "brother"'s shoes, and we all looked up. and sed hi. and ili's "brother" was like, "i saw ur shoes first..!" haha. anyway it'll suffice to say tt he's funny and really friendly now.. somehow it wasn't like this 2 years ago, i wonder why. as they left he was like, "so shd we call you kak ain?" hehe. yah tt brings up another point. girls call older gerls "kak". boys don't. neither girls nor boys call older boys "abang". hmm. not tt i want to! but just wondering why.
went to the library. got out 2 more books. oh as i walked into white sands, this... creature in black with the killer from scream head and a skeleton body walked around in what was supposedly a spooky manner. it took me awhile to realise it was cos it was halloween. btw, happy halloween. i lurve halloween. the whole idea of it is cool. too bad itz not a singapore thing. anyway, i won't be all arrogant and say i wasn't skared at all. i wasn't ah, but i was slightly shocked. he was like, THIS close to me, and he just sprung around.. i almost jumped backwards. BUT I DIN. i think they shd haf had more than ONE ghost prowling around. baru ader atmosphere sikit.
speaking of atmosphere, i finished the belut and lumut short saga. i'll end off with that.
Belut dan Lumut bersandiwara/Belut minatkan Lumut pada pandang pertama/Lumut terharu pabila terdengar berita/Mereka berdua bersama setelah sekian lama/Tetapi godaan dan cubaan tetap melanda/Seketul batu putih dilontar ke arah mereka/Belut mengelak, tetapi Lumut ditimpa/Kebahagiaan mereka terancam buat seketika/Namun, kepada kekasihnya Belut tetap percaya/Lalu cinta Lumut kepada Belut semakin membara/Dan Lumut melempar batu itu ke atmosfera.
Tamatlah riwayat Batu: berkecai pecah seribu.
Setelah mengharungi dugaan dunia/Belut dan Lumut tetap setia/Mereka hidup aman bahagia/Bergurau, bermesra, buat selamanya.
amin.

i am sooooooooo sleepy. goodbye, pasir ris library. i'm going home to sleep. sleeping at 11 and waking up at 4 is not really for me. so yah.
AND WHY THE HELL IS OM NOT HERE? THIS IS SOOPA MEAN! I WANT TO DIE NOW! HE SUCKS! [okay he doesn't.] AND SO DOES WHAT'S-HIS-FACE, EX-FREN! AAAARRGGHH. NASEB BAIK ADER SPY AND HIS VOICE. OR I HAVE TOTALLY NOTHING TO LIVE FOR. AT ALL.
i've been really pissy these past 2 days of puase.. i just hate having houseguests over.. not that they're staying over or anything, but they really disrupt my peace sia. but the thing is, like about 5 seconds before they're supposed to leave, i start feeling remorseful and angry with myself. whatever man me..
and pw sucks, once again. my group is not doing anything, once again. i'm bored, once again. and i can't go for a stroll cos there's nothing to look at. atvdgfuiegorhg. okay bye.

itz depression session, so you've been warned. leave or be forced to wallow in my self-pity.
do you think itz fair that you have to watch as the person you like likes a succession of people who are not you? the succession of people being people who have known him for a much shorter time than you? and at times, the succession of people being people who don't like him as much as you do? yet, you have to live with it cos he clearly likes them more than he likes you? itz really damn ouch ar.. and i think itz soooo soooo unfair.. in my better dreams, i imagine doing a thing or two to that succession of people, as shown above *bish!*.
oh forget it. i'm getting disgusted with myself.

hi. basically, i've been too bored and down and tired to do anything much. but at least today we did SOME pw. and tmr i have one more day to psych myself up for skl.. watching my sassy girl now. itz really pissifying in the beginning, all the bullying parts.. but sticking with it to the end pays off.. itz too too sweet..!
well OH was not bad ah, hot and bothery and exciting and fun and tiring and boring and all that. but overall, i'd say i liked it. hmm. highlights: this ac guy who looks great from a distance only, this other guy who was a mixture of many many cute guys, wearing a nice orange-patterned-on-white shirt, a tall, skinny vik from some white-uniform skl who was soopa lawar, dancing, playing congkak, watching some of bonjour and aloha. oh, also, there was this group of guys near the side gate, looking at the ghim moh blocks, and asking each other, "eh, whatz that? hostel ah?" "nolah, really?" "yarh hostel lah!" and i gave them weird looks for about 15 seconds before i told them, "no itz not a hostel--itz just HDB flats.." it was really funny.. there was also this cute pic of adam with a little boy on the cip board. damn adorable!!! hahaha. i also co-tour-guided one group with hana.. it was oklah.. i guess.. but it made me miss ex-fren's performance. i was sooo soo sad!!! i'll hardly get a chance to watch him again now.. haiz. diden really see many malays, and none i diden already know.. i guess they really dun lyke rj.. not tt i blame them or anything..
after that we went for the soccer match. through a stupid means [again], of course. haha. it was pretty cool ah.. but i dun see why vj supposed sat out the good players cos wouldn't it be better to have a real-type match? so rj won, 3-0. the second goal was soooo cool, he like, tore down 70% of the field with the ball and scored in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it-move. really cool. of course, adding to the atmosphere were the ORA 50-somethings who apparently were trying to prove tt they hadn't lost their sense of humour as well as their soccer skills. and sorry, but when i first saw OVA printed on the backs of their jerseys, i kinda thot it had something to do with eggs, and i don't mean the edible kind. anyway great match, and sya's fren was, of course, brill.
had a solitary 17 ride home. it was nice. i was listening to my latest cd and thinking of OM. i am seriously obsessed. oh and spent the whole usable part of yesterday watching lagaan. one of the songs was soooo familiar.. wish i knew where i heard it before. also kept flitting to chalte chalte, but i dunno how it ended. kinda lost track of time somewhere in the middle of those 4 hours..
ohyes i know ili wanted a commentary on the match or smthg, but thatz abt the best i kan do arh.. tata!

ooh! i've never danced so much before in my life! my legs are seriously falling off! you know how you feel after walking round orchard road on a shopping spree? well add that to barefootedness and multiply it by ten. thatz how i feel. argh i can't think straight. so anyway, if that is really HL guy's name, i hate it! itz so poserrr! ee.
oh i found two lengths of wire just now, so i spent simei to pasir ris shaping one into my name [to become yet another locker accessory] and the 359 ride shaping the other one into OM's name. or at least, 66.7% of his name. wahaha. but it was damn fun. i need to get summore wire. bes sey. it really takes my mind off prevailing worries/events/problems. and there's the plus point of looking soopa creative or smthg. hahaha.
ohyes. HL guy deserves his awards. OM is NOT a boy. he is a man. so there. kecil jgn disangka anak, besar jgn disangka bapa. ahahahaha.
watching rahsia perkahwinan now. itz so realistic sey! sharon rox. khai rox more. [i wrote about the show in my karangan, did u know? hehe.] oh and acherli there was a real-life drama being played out this morning, one floor above my flat. it was like, what, 6 a.m.? i was getting really pissed, it was so noisy. someone was banging on the door nonstop, screaming to be let in, etc. it was really scary. the voices floated down through my front door and the kitchen window, as if they were arguing right across. ee. i was glad to get out of the hse man.
ok dah i'm sleepy. nites.

*penat giler* so this pic should summarise the entire week.

okay. the ain awards.

main awards
most perfect: adam
most missed: samit
most charming: ex-fren
cutest [little boy]: HL guy
cutest [model]: latte
current favourite: OM

subsidiary awards
Toys 'R' Us most boyish award: HL guy
Hrithik Roshan Mr. Bollywood award: samit
Tatty Teddy [Me to You bear] most rabak award: OM
Gatsby nicest hair award: latte
Clarins Men[?] rosiest award: adam

well i finally did it. lyke about 2 days before i was prepared to. haha. well it wasn't as if we were gonna go on wednesday, so itz just as well. i'd just like to thank fana for letting me hold her hand and not making a big deal of me crying. [hey it hurt! and i diden BAWL, just teared.] most of the time i can't feel it there, acherli, which is dangerous.. haha. but sometimes it feels like a permanent piece of snot or smthg. haha. sorry to spoil appetites or anything. anyway none of my family members sed anything, which is acherli normal for them.. haha. i guess they feel as if i reached WEIRD a long time ago and this is acherli a few levels below weird. so.. yah. ohwell. hope most other people have the same non-reaction. haha.
i'm very tired. i think we walked around for hours! well, at least i was wearing shoes. guess what else i bought, btw. this man pendant which i put on my anklet, and THREE pairs of ankle socks!!! one of them is powerpuff, burgundy-purple.. [oh my mom just commented. wahaha. maybe lighting in the hse is bad or smthg.] so i'll probably wear those on open house, to distract myself from ex-fren and his string of gfs.
kissing a fool is soooooooo achingly beautiful.
You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that you were strong enough
To even make a start
You'll never find
Peace of mind
Till you listen to your heart

People
You can never change the way they feel
Better let them do just what they will
For they will
If you let them
Steal your heart from you
People
Will always make a lover feel a fool
But you knew I loved you
We could have shown them all
We should have seen love through

Fooled me with the tears in your eyes
Covered me with kisses and lies
So bye
But please don't take my heart

You are far
I'm never gonna be your star
I'll pick up the pieces
to mend my heart
strange that I was wrong enough
to think you'd love me too
You must have been kissing a fool
I said you must have been kissing a fool

But remember this
Every other kiss
That you'll ever give
Long as we both live
when you need the hand of another man
one you really can surrender with
I will wait for you
like I always do
there's something there
that can't compare with any other

You are far
When I could have been your star
You listened to people
Who scared you to death
And from my heart
Strange that I was wrong enough
To think you'd love me too
You must have been kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool
You must have been kissing a fool
ohyeah i gave out awards during the last 5 minutes of econs. tapi cam malas nak type. i'll go on the laptop later larh. taz!~

haiz. itz wat time now, and i have not TOUCHED the econs tys, and now i'm online, typing this instead of doing pw. but nevermind.
anyway yesterday was a horrible mixture of shitty and great. ac open house was oklah.. the face parade was, as always, great. i saw alias and we found another lumut lookalike whom i liked straightaway. hahaha. no cute viks, unfortunately. then we went to citylink mph, where i wanted to die cos i lurvveee books!!! haha. we also did some of those fortunetelling shits.. apparently ili will have no career while my career will involve challenges cos i lurve them. then i went to hilton, where i had to breathe in about 20-30 minutes of secondhand smoke while waiting for my family. can i just say two things: 1. hilton sucks ass. itz definitely not the way i imagined it to be. how can they let people SMOKE indoors? -spitz- 2. the awards thingy was the suckiest, most off thing i've ever attended. photographer who held up the thing like, oh, 2863864 times? cos he had to change film. like, waddehell. and i won't even mention the glitch that involved me. but they were nice enough to hand out awards, so i appreciate that [only].
still, it wasn't a complete loss. i met shafa there. her brother got the award too. and we sat together and caught up on stuff [just barely] and laughed alot, which kinda made everyone look at us. but hey, it was a boring event! alot of cute ppl though. and others were interesting. this girl was in a prom getup which misled me to feel sorry for her at first. but it turned out she was acherli seeking glamour! hello! shez barely 13! pissoff. there was this cute guy who got the o'level award, even before i stepped in, i already noticed him. haha. he has big dyed hair, abit short and his name is ilham. wow. how apt. there was cute a'level award guy who was the son of this guy shafa's mom knew. warhh! unfair! but i soon realised how un-unfair it was when i went out and saw my dad chatting to this guy who had a cute PSLE award son. haha. thatz him in the photo there. he was really cool! checked shirt, finnish hair, and pants tt looked like breeches! even shafa thot he was cute! haha. he seems a little vain, tho. he kept checking himself out in the mirror. wahaha. yaH anyway it was great to see shafa again, especially in the midst of all these strangers and stuff. really helped keep me from going crazy.
btw, geylang is already all decked out for ramadhan and hari raya. i can't wait. but bus services are really giler nak mampoz at night, i was waiting for one hour before a bus came that i could even squeeze into. so yah. i really believe sbs is going downhill. i think that the absence of competition is making it complacent. hmph.
okay i shd be going to sleep now. i had this horrible nightmare about tomorrow's mcq. it suddenly morphed into this mcq+mini-data-response paper which lasted one hour, and halfway thru the data response i realised i had half an hour left, and i still hadn't touched my mcq!!! nightmare!

i'm soooo sleepy. but i'll try and stay awake. chatting to a cute guy now! haha.
i told people bout my sluardalam dream, didn't i? where he was pestering me to tell him what we'd look like if we were together. haha. but i diden mention my frappe@mrtstation dream. first i was at the library, which looked abit like popular plus mph, and i was heading towards the colourful kids' stuff section.. then i saw sya or someone, with a j2 guy ah.. and sya, or whoever it was, sed hi to me, so i sed hi back. and the j2 guy she was with like, did a double-take, and looked really energized to see me, and went into this whole monologue about how he was so glad to see me back, and how was i doing, was i okay, how about promos, what book was i gonna buy, what was i doing in the library cos he didn't normally see me there, and stuff liddat. and i finally escaped, thinking, "since when has he been so happy to see me?" then next thing i knew i was at bv mrt station, upstairs, with latte and decaf. somehow we were like good friends or something, and they were also rgs alumnis.. and we were just sitting there watching the trains go past and talking. then a train stopped and 2 ppl got out and in the middle of talking, i broke off cos the 2 ppl were frappe and cup of coffee. and decaf n latte noticed so they turned around to look and they waved to them ah.. and even though they were already on the escalator, it froze there as they had a short chat with each other. then when they sed bye it started moving again, and frappe waved at me.
yes what a stupid dream, i know. moving on, it was malay today. remember how i sed i wouldn't ever be washing my blouse? fyi, itz still hanging right in front of me right now. haha. yes i am that obsessive. if he knew.. i'm sure he'd totally convert to liking spy or something equally silly. oh and it was raining soopa heavily around 11.15 ah.. and ili n i were standing there waiting for sya when something totally fairytale-like occurred. we were just standing there, on top of the grimy steps, talking bout lumut. then this taxi came [one of the whole fleet that turned up at rj in the course of an hour, i'm sure] and lumut was inside! saw a taxi companion of his with a dark sticking-out-from-the-forehead shadow, and immediately jumped to conclusions: "latte!" the companion moved ever so minutely. and i realised, hey, thatz not hair, thatz a cap bill! [testament to the fact tt latte's hair IS topilike after all.] so i jumped again: "OM!" and whaddaya know, it WAS! and, as i narrated to sya later, the taxi became a carriage, the grimy steps were polished marble, and he was a prince ascending those steps, those really really stare-y eyes underneath the frayed cap that became a crown which got itz shine from him. -sigh-
moving on further, madame butterfly was nice. i truly love her anak, he is too adorable for words. and i have an abundant supply of those, as demonstrated above. haha. i also love the way she looks like she weighs nothing at all when he carries her. and i hate kate.
hm. that should be enuff. i'm hungry. nothing to eat, though. anyway credit for the pic above goes to ili, who was merely an accomplice today, she did NOT agree with our choice, unfortunately. obviously cos he's not her type. so takper. hez still cute. still undecided about his shorts, though. haha. sometimes i love my fone too much. too much.

today was.. okay.. i think my brains evaporated or something somewhere between june and now, though. so i'll get back to studying soon.
i was feeling damn shitty though, on the way home. but then there was this little boy/girl wearing a hoodie, sitting in front of me and looking at me. then he/she smiled. and waved at me and blew kisses and all that. sooo cute! it totally lifted my spirits. and you know how they say that if babies love you, you're attractive? yeah i was totally thinking that. not that i thot i was/am attractive, since babies usually don't like me. but yah. well. nite.