[Bonus] Going Nowhere

My Nowhere Baths experience starts with a warmup. In order to afford the entry fee, I have to scrimp and save and take the bus to Dempsey instead of calling a Gojek. Then I have to hike up the hill from the bus stop. I tried to go slowly, but I was still panting unattractively. Luckily, at 6.40pm on a Monday, there were barely any witnesses to my unfitness. 

It's not all bad, though! By the time you reach the jewelry shop, there's a slight downslope, allowing you (me) to catch your breath so you can enter the Nowhere reception area elegantly and fit right in with the cool vibessss.

This was my second time at Nowhere - Ishie brought me here the first time on a Thursday morning. It was quite buzzing that day. It wasn't crowded, but you had to share the room with someone else, at least. This round, I went on the women-only Monday slot, and I suppose since it was the latest slot of the day, there was only one other lady there with me!

The trade-off of going at night is that you don't get the calming little hutan view out the window. But it's just a tiny price to pay for the privacy. This other lady and I just took turns using the different pools, and sometimes we were in the sauna together for two minutes or so. 

My sequence was roughly cold shower > salt bath > cold shower > sauna > cold shower > cold plunge > cold shower > cloud bath/jacuzzi thingy. I'm not really into steam room tings. After two rounds, it's nice to take a mid-bath break.

I was a bit apprehensive to venture outside to the deck chairs for that break, because what if hantu? Or mozzies? But the area was well-lit yet inconspicuously so if you're peeking out the window from inside. No idea how they do it. I sat there and closed my eyes, half-expecting a mozzie to bite me, but none even flitted close, and when I opened my eyes again, it was somehow 10 minutes later. And no hantu that I saw/felt. Please, Nowhere, share your anti-mozzie secrets with me.

Unlike my first time there where I only had to pee once, I had to pee a total of four times while I was there! Sorry, I consider peeing to be one of my vital health indicators. So I guess I was better hydrated this round. 

Also, I managed the cold plunge for three rounds and the last round was for 20 breaths! Idk how long that is, but it has to be like 90 seconds right? Tak eh? Love the tinglies when I come out of the plunge pool.

My slot was at 6.45pm and I decided to start showering at 8.35pm because I take ages to get ready and they close at 9. And yay, thanks to my time management skills, I was outta there around 8.55pm! I saw the other customer sitting at the lounge. Like last kopek ah. I thought of doing that but I just wanted to get home and sleep. So maybe I'll try to do a 6pm appointment someday so I can get that sweet sweet lounge time.

Can't wait for my next bath time! I'm still planning it but it has to be soon!

Is this how I'm gonna die?

Update on 12 Sep, 5.34pm: The NCCS doc just called to say my oncologist wants to continue with Pacli for the next two weeks of this Cycle 3, just at a lower titration rate, so it will be a longer session. So, no Abraxas demon after all. //

This was a busy week - derm appointment on Wednesday, chemo on Thursday, breast surgeon appointment on Friday (today). I also squeezed in a lunchtime barefoot class with Wes Marx! His barefoot choreos are underrated, guys!

Billing Battles

These ended rather unclimactically. I just made the payment in full, then sent the receipt and invoice to my agent, and it was approved and credited on the same day. So now I'm like, did my agent just make me go through the rigmarole for nothing (a.k.a. she didn't wanna go through the hassle of a manual claim)? I mean, it can't have been much of a hassle if the claim was approved in less than one working day.

But I won't pursue it, I'm just thankful for any amount that can be covered.

Derm appointment

Since my chemo and oncologist appointments have moved to Outram, all my corresponding appointments like CT scan and dermatologist appointments have also moved to SGH. Which makes me feel disloyal to dear ol' CGH, but I guess that's dumb. I was also apprehensive about going to SGH for the first time in 10 years, plus it's on a bukit and all. 

I ended up being charmed by the sprawling layout of the hospital. It felt a bit like stepping back in time, albeit with more aircon. So I guess I'm not mad to be primarily assigned to SGH now. I am somewhat sad that they removed the cool ceiling cable boxes or whatever they are called, though. 

Anyway, the derm gave me doxycycline, Differin, and Clindamycin for my widespread acne vulgaris. Also, bisul = pustule, not carbuncle. Carbuncle is much larger, apparently. We are never too old to learn, eh? The doxy came with repeated reminders from both the doc and the pharmacist to take with a full glass of water and remain in an upright seated position for 30 minutes afterwards, to avoid gastric issues and the pill coming back up, which is somehow what doxy is notorious for. It's my first time taking oral meds specifically for acne! What a strange unwanted milestone!

Derm 'fit: I wore something easy to strip yet somewhat fashun-ish with this Anaabu top as a jacket.

Hawker Centre Breakfast

Cutes came along for chemo this week, which meant that we had to eat at a hawker centre instead of at an atas cafe. (Okay, not *had*, but you know what I mean.) After over a month of exploring Duxton area, we went to Tiong Bahru instead. 

Again, I was surprised because the hawker centre was quite chill, clean, and spacious! There was an uncle sunning himself (in clothes), having coffee while reading his newspapers. Two white-haired aunties chatting, flanked by their helpers. Families having breakfast while the stallholder shot the breeze with them. I don't know if this is just weekday vibes, or the weekend is also like this, but I lowkey loved it. We had Super Shiok Nasi Lemak, which is a perfect portion size for my chemo stomach, but Cutes says is too little for him. 

Chill vibez

Cutes gleefully enjoying the smoking area

This chemo stomach is wildddd. I can no longer have a main and a side anymore. It has to be a kid-sized portion, otherwise I end up super bloated after. (I usually lantak anyways, but ya.) r/breastcancer folks say they need to have 6 smol girl dinners a day instead of 3 square meals, which tracks for me too. 

Chemo

Unfortunately, chemo didn't go swimmingly this week. I had an allergic reaction to the meds.

It's partly my fault, because I had two previous episodes of feeling breathless with my face feeling hot, in earlier sessions. But I was.. wary? Of being overdramatic by calling the nurse during these moments. So I just tried to focus on slow deep breathing until it went away about 2-3 minutes later. I then mentioned this casually to the nurse in Cycle 2 Week 3, and she gave me this shocked face and implored me to please report it next time.

Okay, fine. But it didn't happen for the past three sessions, so I thought my body was over it, y'know? Then, while Amaarae was playing, I felt the familiar tightness in my chest and my face flaming up. I pulled out my earphones and pressed the call button. The (really nice, super efficient and calm) nurse, Michelle something, came over and that's when I started feeling a buzzing in my head, super giddy like I was going to black out.

Michelle stopped the Paclitaxel infusion and yelled, "Reaction! Pacli!" and three doctors rushed in to check my lungs (clear) and administer some meds and ask more about my symptoms. My blood pressure was super low at 70 over entah, so that apparently led to the giddiness. It all calmed down in maybe five minutes, but they still did an ECG to check my heart and be safe. Which involved pulling up my Lululemon bra top and exposing my boobs to the doctors (two of whom were men) in order to put the tabs (?) on my chest. ECG came back okay too. 

Initially they wanted to continue the infusion but at a lower %, so it would take two hours instead of one. But a couple of small rashes appeared on my infusion arm, so the doctors eventually decided to nix the infusion for the day. They also noted my admission of the two earlier incidents, so they'll be swapping me to Abraxane from the next session onwards.

It was really a scary experience for me because I've never been able to not breathe with a super hot face and then feeling like I'm gonna black out, even as I'm already lying down in the reclined chair. Michelle was being super cool and reminding me to not fall asleep or close my eyes, and I was thinking, "Is this how I'm gonna die?"

The doctors were being champs trying to figure things out then explain everything to me, but I guess I was still in shock, plus super groggy from Bestie Benadryl, so a lot of what they said didn't sink in fully until I was in bed at night and spiralling while reading r/bc and googling stuff. I mean, I heard her say "Abraxane" and I thought, "Abraxas? That's a Charmed demon kan?"

It's Abraxane, which is Paclitaxel but the ubat is albumin-bound instead of dissolved in castor oil. Based on what I read online lah. What the doc said is "yes some people have a reaction to Pacli because of one of its components, but Abraxane does not have that component."

Well then why not start everyone on Abraxane then? Because it's more expensive - like 5x more expensive so some insurance (in the US I guess?) doesn't cover it unless your allergic reaction to Pacli is documented. This is from online, not from asking the doc, because I was not in the right frame of mind then. 

I guess I'm somewhat traumatised, but I mean, you just gotta keep going. The staff have been nothing but helpful.

Chemo 'fit: Since you need to have a cannula and IV tube in one arm, I avoid wearing jumpsuits and bodysuits/leotards for these sessions because it's gonna be a bitch to pee otherwise. This Lulu top is a staple for me and these Uniqlo mens pants still fit my 90kg ass! I have sadly fatted my way out of the Uniqlo women's size chart.

Dr Melissa

Saw Dr Melissa, my breast surgeon, today. She was very happy that the tumour has shrunk from the original 5cm to 1-2cm now. She was also super soliticious about yesterday's allergic reaction. She's just great la. She gives me definite girls' school vibes. I'm glad I don't have to change breast doctors even though I'm tagged to Outram now. Cutes told me to ask her whether I have clearance to exercise, but I totally forgot, so I just gave myself clearance. 

I was done by 10.40am, so I booked into Wes' 12.15pm class! I'm really so happy I got to experience another barefoot class even though I was wheezing lightly by the 587th run with blisters on my palms. Because Wes looked at me miming the moves sitting on the floor and asked, "Do you have dance background? Because your musicality is very good. You can catch/hear all the moments on the song." or something but wowww I am holding this close to my heart. 

Hair and Skin

My hair has continued to shed like a Golden. I have an appointment with Eugenie at the end of this month to buzz it all off. I guess. We'll decide on that day. The amount of scalp shining through is really annoying me, but I still love my cute oppa bangs and they look great under a turban. So, entah. 

All my coarse armpit hairs are gone, which saves me a good hour a week in plucking! My leg hairs are still hanging on like a mutha, though. But I refuse to shave them, who cares? Dreading the time when I lose my nose hairs and brows. 

My skin has improved almost instantly from the doxy. There's definitely less cystic acne popping up daily now, which, yay!

I realise that with my chemo now on Thursdays, I'm too tired on the weekend, which is such a waste! I napped away half the weekend due to the tiredness (after my morning appointments). Hoping I can get through the evening classes this weekend!

WESSSS 💜

Ya, it's the hormones

Booming Uncle

My chemo schedule got switched from Mondays to Thursdays starting this week, because I requested to be permanently at Outram instead of Changi for chemo. So first, I had to see my oncologist on Wednesday, with a full blood panel to be done on the same day. 

Blood draw went fine. While waiting the required 5 minutes and putting pressure on the poke site, one uncle was being called for his turn. He was, I think, headed to the toilet at the time, so he yelled "Yes coming coming!" and the phlebotomist, an impatient tough love makcik, said, "Okay slowly slowly." (Wah part ni kau nak slowly slowly but when I didn't have the blood test form, you got testy with me eh. Anyways.) Then this uncle started booming out his name and IC number while he was still five steps away from the room! Thank God I was masked up so I could laugh freely. The stern makcik was also laughing. So thanks to the uncle for brightening my day. 

My Oddball Oncologist

The moment I entered the consultation room, my oncologist went, "Wow you look so different! You're all dressed up! Like you're going to the beach!"

Then 10 seconds later she was like, "Your hair, is that a wig? It looks really good!? I was trying to figure out what was different with your looks."

Me: "No, it's my hair. I mean, I've been losing hair, but I still have this left."

Her: "Wow that's pretty good! It looks great!"

And she went on and on about how great my hair is, and how it looks like hers used to when it was straight. (She has wavy hair about my current length, and I also suspected she was somewhat passionate about fashion from her past outfits lol.)

Anyway, I mentioned to her how I'm having horrible acne breakouts and how I missed my period for almost a week already. "Oh yeah, it's the hormones. If you had acne as a teenager, it's probably the same kind as now."

Me: "And this period thing? Has it stopped for good?"

Her: "No, the younger you are when you start this treatment, the more likely you'll get it back. But for the period of chemo, yeah it's stopped. Ya, it's the hormones."

Tak habis-habis dengan it's the hormones. But ya I guess I can stop wearing my period underwear as standby now. I'm going through both puberty and menopause now, it seems. Fun.

Oncologist 'fit: Had to wear my Popflex jumpsuit again! It's mostly comfy except because it's a dropped crotch, there's friction between my thighs, creating chub rub.

Pre-oncologist breakfast at Dearborn Granola! This dark choc granola was really good! I expected the dark choc pieces to be hard, but they just melted right in. The chilli whatever loaf was super good too! And they give you a personal mini-standing fan to enhance your dining experience. The only thing missing were the chickens. Because they were outside PCC instead.

Chemo

This time, they set my chemo appointment at 9.30am, probably because no blood test was needed since they already did one the day before. Mornings are hard, so I took a Gojek to the centre. The driver was a surprisingly chatty beng. He started off talking about my newish estate, then we went to bitching about people nowadays balloting for flats in their 20s, about how he hates exercising now, and about NCCS appointments at unearthly hours. It was entertaining and comforting, somehow exactly what I needed to start the day. 

Despite the stated appointment time, it was almost 10am when they called me in, and already 10.45am when they started the premeds. A bunch of the time was the nurse trying to find my vein for the cannula. Even with the help of the vein finder, she couldn't seem to hit the vein because there was no blood coming out. She called an ate to help. Fuck I really hate the needle poke part of the process. And before you accuse me of not having juicy enough veins, I had already peed twice since reaching the centre k. Anyway, they managed to hit the mother lode and there's no bruising today, so all's good.

Yesterday was Day 1 of Cycle 3 so it was Phesgo thigh injection time! This is my second most hated part of chemo. The agonising needle pressure for 10 endless minutes is a torture I wouldn't wish on anyone. Then the nurse telling me to breathe like I don't know like that. It just makes me feel better to moan and groan, can? To be fair, it seemed to go marginally easier than the previous two times. So maybe one can get inured to the discomfort.

Having morning treatment means you get free Milo and biscuits from the volunteers! I happily accepted a cup of Milo. Did you know that you can also volunteer to be a beloved Milo distributor? Or, you can volunteer your valuable piano playing skills and entertain bored chemo patients and caregivers while we're waiting to be called up! Find out more here: https://www.nccs.com.sg/community-care/volunteer-with-nccs

We ended at 1.30pm, got a fast Gojek home, then I slept for another 2.5 hours. It was kind of weird adjusting to morning chemo after so many weeks of afternoon chemo. I just watched some TV, ate an early dinner, and went back to sleep. 

Chemo 'fit was two of my favourite tops and my Lululemon flared leggings. The nurse wanted to pull down my leggings for the thigh injection and I was like, No?! Just pull it up ma'am.

Notable Uncles and Aunties

Eskew me: I was at a bus stop near the Telok Kurau landed estate after my asthma polyclinic checkup, minding my own biz, when someone called out, "Es-kew me! The bus how long ah?" It was a 60ish auntie with her helper and her husband. There are really people who unironically say "es-kew me?" Okay takpe. I pulled up the app and told her, "5 minutes" then I got up and let her sit down while her helper massaged her. The massage intensity had to be adjusted frequently before she was satisfied. 

After a bit, she looked at me accusingly and said, "5 minutes so long ah?" Excuuuse me madam, I didn't realise I was the bus control dispatcher or whatever you call them. Takpe. I checked the app again. "1 minute," I told her. Thankfully the bus did come trundling along a minute later. 

I and the other lady at the bus stop let her and the uncle board first cos kesian la kan? *But then*. Neither of them had their bus cards ready! Wtf were you waiting 5 minutes and looking askance at me for then, if you couldn't even standby your cards? Pengsan. Anyway, it was fine. I was mostly entertained by the gall of this auntie. And glad I'm not the one living with her.

Cool uncle: He was having chemo at the same time as me yesterday. He was alone and super self-sufficient! He greeted the nurses by name, he was aware of his appointments (another chemo today, follow-up tomorrow, and radiotherapy starting next week), and just totally no drama. I'm very inspired to be like him. There was also another chemo patient who interrupted the uncle's nurse twice to fuss about when she would be called up, and some other stuff. And the uncle was unfazed and just laughed about it with the nurse afterwards. Props to uncle.

Auntie who loved my Keens: This Chinese auntie was with her helper and they spoke in Malay. Auntie said how she really liked my sandals. I said thanks! I love my sandals too. 

Auntie who wore Keens!: In the lift down after chemo, there was an auntie wearing a pull-on turban and the same Keen sandals but in black! I am so on my way to becoming this auntie and I'm not mad about it.

Billing Battles

I've been having some truly frustrating billing battles with CGH about the bill for my bone biopsy and subsequent admission and discharge. The hospital kept insisting, over emails and phone calls with both the central billing contact centre and the CGH office, that they cannot e-file this particular bill because my admission was for less than 8 hours, and I supposedly signed off on this at the point of admission on the CCF. That it was classified as surgery requiring admission and not day surgery, so different rules apply, and that's why all my previous biopsies were covered but not this one.

I tried to point out that although the CCF states the dumb 8 hours rule under Medisave, it doesn't state the same exclusions under the Integrated Shield Plan part, but this didn't fly.

My insurance agent just called them today to argue further, and first they said they would try, but they later rejected her with this dumb 8-hour rule again.

This kind of admin shit, even though I'm really good at admin shit, is one of the most taxing things about having a medical condition, I feel. You're tired, you still need to work to fund your lifestyle, still need to wash clothes and clean house and shit, still need to take care of the multitude of appointments, and you trust in the hospital and insurance systems and then this happens and you have to make calls during office hours to try to sort it out. I'm lucky I have shirked some other responsibilities so I have time to pursue this, I guess.

And yes it's just a $2k bill which I can afford, but it's really the principle of the matter, innit? People who've just had a painful biopsy and are stuck in a ward with a noisy visitor need to be in the right mind to think, "No I cannot get discharged yet because this bill won't be covered if I'm in here less 8 hours." GTFO.

Small Wins 

On a positive note, I went for Zumba last Saturday and Salsation on Wednesday and I didn't die! Hope I can continue these cardio baby steps!

Also! I made spaghetti goreng last week although Cutes claims it was too salty because my chemo tastebuds are making everything taste bland pulak. I wore my turban to keep from dropping hair in the food. Love my turbans! I got them from a rec in r/breastcancer. Truly a lifesaver sub.