BGT Prep Part 3

Okay, so the first version of the choreo was done. I started in early October and submitted it on 7 November, so I guess the process took about a month, which I was quite proud of, considering I was doing two term classes up to mid-October, and four (!!) term classes from 17 October. Why did I sign up for four classes? Cos I rambang mata, that's why. It did help that I didn't spend practice time on three of those classes, I suppose.

Costume-wise, I was envisioning a beaded 1920s-style top with a kain wrapped around me slinkily to look like Jessica Rabbit's dress, and I just rip off the kain at the start of the piece. But when I tested it, my legs were fucking trapped by the kain, so I reduced the cloth size to just a scarf around my neck. I was looking for something to match my ASOS top, and realised that the gold headscarf my mom bought me earlier this year is the perfect colour, so in it went. It's just draped on my neck at the start, and I swish it a couple times, then I ball it up and throw it away, as if I'm disgusted by you, the lover I'm pursuing.

Anyway, okay, submitted. I was so afraid that I would immediately be rejected at the preliminary judging round, because I don't have any aerial tricks in my piece. But I generally felt better than I did in October, as it was a load off my shoulders regardless.

The judges' comments came back within the week and.. Colour me shocked - they didn't say "Hello please add more tricks into your piece!" Instead, they basically wanted me to milk my moves and interact with the audience a bit more by moving away from the pole. Okay, that was totally unexpected to me. My brain started frantically thinking of which bits I could cut out to make room for the whole "let go of the pole and flirt with the audience" thing. At the same time, I was also wondering, But it's a pole competition, how come I have to let go of the pole? Also also, Tania was like, Don't throw away the scarf, you should reincorporate it later in the routine. I was like, Crap, why did I pandai-pandai go and include a prop?

But then! I started watching the Invert Bend and Balance Symposium videos from 15 November, where many of the speakers basically echoed whatever the judges advised me. They shared that the key to a successful pole performance was not a bunch of powerful tricks but instead making the audience root for your character. And that if you have a prop, you need to be interacting with it for most of the time that the prop is on stage. Otherwise, the audience will be distracted by wondering what's gonna happen with the prop. I learned so much from the symposium, and I'm glad I took time out to watch the videos.

I was sad, though. I really liked this one Kira Noire archback-slide-to-shoulderpike move that I put in the piece, and I was loath to remove it. But ohwell, we want to win this competition, do we not? Take it out and put it in another future choreo lor. 

So yeah, scrapped maybe 30-40 seconds of the piece and replaced it with me rolling to the front and glaring (jeling, in Malay) at the audience, strangling myself with the scarf, standing up sexily, whipping the imaginary lover with my scarf, etc. I did think it looked waaay better after the changes, and I submitted it to the judges in early December during the feedback clinic. They also thought it looked better, and started giving me technical notes this time. So yay I guess!

Since then, I haven't practised the routine as much as I'd like to - only five pole pracs (2-3 full runs per prac) based on my calendar. It's partly because I'm starting to get tired of the song, I'm afraid I will lose the emotional engagement if I overpractise, and all the practising is starting to feel artificial without an audience. I find that for class choreos, even though I have it down pat for in-class performances, the moment I get to showtime, I forget some shit or end up doing other nonsense moves. So.. haha I'm so scared I will do it for this!

Also the scariest part I think is the "standing up sexily" part. Ya I can stand up fine in a static practice, but in the momentum of the choreo, sometimes I lose my balance. And if I lose my balance, I lose my face. I haven't fallen down yet but oh my God is it my biggest fear for this piece. 

I made a list of the elements which I might screw up and ended up with ten things! Ten! And me with no more private studio pracs until the competition!

Okay so. Whatever. I will try not to overthink this. If you're catching the competition, I hope you enjoy the performance and know that I tried my best to stay calm for you, the audience. Lol.

BGT Prep Part 2

 

I'm back! Feeling slightly better after my midweek angst. I did cry last night at It's A Wonderful World, but who wouldn't, eh?

I took the above photo last night. It's the hardest trick from my BGT piece, and it's clearly inspired from Ceci's Old School choreos. I went through dozens of entry and exit attempts before I found one that (mostly) worked. I also added leg circles before the exit at Ishie's suggestion, which is another risky move because if I don't engage my core enough, I'll fall out of it. 

I took the above photo because I wanted to prove to myself after the last post that I can still take great pictures. To remind myself that we have our off days, but most of the time, we can still excel in things we are good at. And to appreciate those moments when we have them. 

Let's now talk about a happier sub-topic of this BGT experience - the choreo creation! I usually pick the song before I start choreographing, and I did the same here. I made a shortlist of the songs I wanted to use, and their corresponding themes:

• Apa Sia by Fariz Jabba - cool hip-hop exo 
• Your Heart Is As Black As Night by Melody Gardot - sexy sensual showgirly 
• Oh Na Na by Masia One - flirty hip-hop exo
• Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse soundtrack (What's Up Danger or Scared of the Dark) - fierce/emo hip-hop exo
• Why I Still Love You by Missy Elliott - groovy exo
• Almost Paradise by Mike Reno - barefoot contemp

I actually really wanted to try Almost Paradise because it would be fun and challenging to try to emote everything into a Vanda-like contemp choreo with cool shapes. But I eventually plumped for Melody Gardot, because (a) I've been wanting to do a broody injured-Catwoman music video to it for like a year; (b) the costume would be the easiest to identify with - I was thinking Miss Fisher fan dance meets Jessica Rabbit; and (c) the song duration was like 10-20 seconds above the 2.5 minute requirement, and those extra seconds could be cut easily without losing the song's feeling. 

So then I had to work on the actual moves. First I had to decide what cool tricks I would put into it. Inverts and handstands are out, since I can't do those during peacetime, let alone in the middle of a full choreo. But I can do shoulder stands and some pirouettes! Those are considered technically difficult, right? So in went the Ceci shoulder stand split. Also it had been more than six months since my last shoulder stand split, so I had to teach myself to do it again. It was painful, especially for my obliques and butt, and I still get bruises on my supporting shoulder now, but beauty is pain. Then there was one sax-y music interlude that I had to insert the Daphne Lux 16 Shots twisty-grip "step back many times" move into - it's my favourite part of the piece. Then I just filled in the rest by freestyling and seeing what worked. 

I did most of this first part with my home pole, in socks because I couldn't be bothered removing the foam mat from the dance area. The first time I brought it to the studio, I nearly died because a lot of the socks move did not translate to heels, at my prevailing level of flexibility! So I had to revise some moves in the studio. From then on, aside from the shoulder stand combo, I just choreoed in the studio, because I didn't want to lose precious time from this whole socks-heels ability gap. 

But I totally appreciate my home pole for giving me the extra time and space I needed to create the choreo early! I am blessed.

Okay the tone of this post is much happier than the last one, so I'm glad I managed to fight my destructive thoughts. More on the choreo process in the next post!

BGT Prep

I've been on the verge of tears for the past couple of weeks, which is depressing to admit, considering my birthday was yesterday, and you're supposed to be happy on your birthday (!). 

I can't pinpoint why exactly I feel this way. There's some loneliness because I've literally been alone for most of this past week, there's some disappointment because I was hoping to have moved into my new home for my birthday - my ID promised, back in March! - but I suspect it's the whirlwind of emotions surrounding my recent decision to join Breathe's Got Talent. 

Yeah, it started out normally, with the usual pit of nervousness gathering in my stomach every time I thought of the competition, and the restless energy involved in my choreography process, etc. But with the competition less than a month away, I'm feeling feelings that I'm sure are unhealthy.

We had an informal photoshoot the other day to take the promo pics that the studio would post on Instagram. I didn't feel nervous at all, because aren't I used to photoshoots? Don't people always comment on what a natural I am at posing for the camera? I let myself feel buoyed by those past positive comments, and assumed I'd do just fine this round. But then the studio texted me that evening to say, Hey, the photos on your Instagram have much nicer lines, would you wanna use those instead? And I felt really disappointed and betrayed by myself. How could I have failed something as simple as a photoshoot? How could a random photo taken with a self-timer in Pearl's Hill Studio be nicer than a photo taken by someone else? Am I really as capable as I think I am? 

But I mean, it could just have been my off day, right? People are allowed to have those. So I just buried those feelings as best as I could, and moved on with life. 

Then this week, the studio started posting the series of promo photos, and everyone so far - three ladies - look fucking phenomenal, and all the photos are taken in the studio, so won't I be the only dumbass whose promo photo is taken in a totally different pole studio? And why do they all look so good, while my shots didn't pass muster? I'm never gonna get enough likes on my photo to prop up my scores. 

I'm so angry with my body for betraying me on photoshoot day, and so sad that I didn't get a chance to make it right, and now I don't even want to see my promo photo if and when it's ever posted. Why didn't the studio offer me another chance to shoot again? Why do I care about this so much?!

Well, who joins a competition not wanting to win? Of course I want to win. I know I'm not the strongest and trickiest pole dancer there is, but I am a good performer. I like engaging the audience while I dance. And just like the photoshoots thing, multiple people have told me that they enjoy watching me perform; they enjoy the expression I put into the dance, and I suppose it helps that I can usually remember the choreography, so I'm not distracting the audience or myself by watching for cues from another dancer. So.. these comments also made me think that I might be in with a fighting chance! 

I love dancing so much. Like, I just do. And it's a bit like that time in kindergarten when we did some "mama hen and her chicks" dance - I was jealous of my friend Norlian, who got to be the mama hen in a shiny satin costume, while I was just another chick in a generic chick costume. I want to be the star! I want to capture the audience's attention! I want them to leave the venue with lingering thoughts of how amazing and captivating I was on stage! 

Is that the same as winning the competition? I know sometimes it's not. During TBB's Amateur Night competition, Lily won the competition, but I still think about Rachie's Pink Panther performance the most. 

I keep having to stop typing because I need to cry. I wish I wasn't such a crybaby. 

I struggled with wanting to join this competition, because I hate rejection, and not winning will just equal a rejection to me. But I joined anyway, so it's too late to shy away from imminent rejection now. I just.. don't see a chance at winning this thing. And I will take it personally because it's just who I am, plus I haven't competed enough to develop a healthy lack of attachment to the piece. This piece is a woman flirting with a potential lover, teasing them, smacking them playfully, but really wanting them to want her. Putting a bold face on it all, but inside she's insecure and just wanting approval. I too want the audience's approval. So I guess.. this piece is me. 

And now I have to stop crying and tahan two more weeks and just go out and try to entertain the crowd. 

This post is so self-pitying, but I want to publish anyway, because after 7 January, I might forget all these emotions, and I might make the mistake of joining another competition. 

Don't be skeevy

I'm back after, wow, five years of silence. I've really missed writing, and I guess I neglected it in favour of posting dance videos on Instagram? IDK.

So we're in the middle of COVID-19 years now, which gloriously means we get to work from home (WFH) and attend courses from home too! I attended a CSC course in early Feb this year, to fulfil a requirement of my learning plan on policy-making or whatever. It was a mornings-only course, over three days, and conducted on Zoom with the request to turn on our video so that the lecturer could assess the class engagement better. 

The course was fine - lecturer clearly knows what he's talking about, and I thought the hands-on activities did aid my understanding. He also seems to love talking, and he likes to ask us questions when he thinks we're too quiet. He'd call on people at times, as well. If we had our own questions, we could ask them orally or in the chat. All good, all fine, I could deal with that.

Anyway, on the last day of the course, I was just minding my own business and listening to the content, when I saw a chat pop up, saying something like "You look familiar, are you my neighbour? Blk [redacted] [in neighbouring town]." I was shocked. I thought that the sender had put this in the full chat, but when I calmed down slightly, I realised that he'd messaged me privately. On Zoom. A fellow course attendee, from a different agency, messaged me privately on Zoom. 

Okay, no biggie, it's fine. It's an innocent question. Just because I don't know what any of my neighbours look like, aside from the families living next door and across from us, doesn't mean that other people are as unfriendly and unobservant as I am. So I replied him: "Haha no, I'm in [my town]." 

And he replied something like, "Oh, wonder why you look familiar."

I don't fucking know, get off my back. I ignored him after that, but it crossed my mind that he might have seen my pole content on IG? Oh well, whatever, he's not the boss of me. 

So that was that.

But it wasn't! A couple of days ago, an unknown account messaged me on IG, saying I looked familiar. This private account had 1 post, was following 80ish others, and had 80ish followers itself. It wasn't actually following me, though. From the profile pic, it looked vaguely like this CSC course guy, so I replied, "Haha are you the [agency he's from] guy?" And yes, yes he was. 

At first he was just asking normal innocuous things like am I still working from home, etc. He mentioned that my IG posts were cool. Then he went ahead to say "if you don't mind we can continue talking on WhatsApp" and gave me his number. 

And it just really bothered me. 

A while later, I replied, "Oh but you know I'm married, right?" 

And he said, "Oh I'm married too. It's only if you don't mind talking on WhatsApp," or something to that effect.

I'm still disturbed, actually. Why does it bother me? After all, my IG is essentially a pole dancing account, so I get creeps and randos following me etc. Let me try to puzzle out why, or if I'm just being a prude. (Which is quite ironic, considering the type of person I was 10 years ago.)

I don't like "work people" on my socials
When I was working with some regular volunteers, one of them sent me a Facebook friend request. I ignored it. He's a really nice guy who's always polite and respectful, and very generous with his knowledge. But I just didn't want to interact with him on a personal level. Same goes for most of my colleagues, unless we're already friends. 

I don't want to be friends with men
Not sure if this has anything to with being married, but I have heterosexual male friends from before I got married, and we don't even chat unless there's something to chat about! Okay, actually I don't have many such friends hahaha. There's Zul and Mizi who were Cutes' friends first. I interact with Zul on IG over his adorable kid, and Cutes and I hang out with Mizi sometimes. There's Suff, whose rising writing career I support sometimes. 
Chatting with strangers is so tiring to me. I can't think of why I would chat with anyone, male or female, on the regular, unless we already have something in common. My school friends, my pole friends, my Zumba friends, some friends I met through a crisis work project, etc. These friendships were formed organically after we participated in activities together and found common interests. That's what holds us together, right? I mean, we talk about other topics too, like families and stuff, and we find out things that are different from each other, but then we laugh about those differences, and we bond together even more. 
I'm not the most popular person in the world, but I don't feel the need for more friends. My life is full and busy with work, endless classes, and time with Cutes. Even if I did want extra friends, I would make them at the ballet or pole studio. I'm not about to seek someone out from a work-related event and start getting to know them. Please, Cutes and I didn't even stay in touch with the people from our Spanish class!
I guess this turned into I don't want to be forced to be friends. This isn't kindergarten anymore, I can choose who I wish to be friends with. 

I think I'm disturbed because this incident implies that this married men in particular is just going around trying to make friends with random women he encounters in his daily life. Just.. giving out his number and wanting to get to know women through texting. Or, ugh, possibly calling. (I hate calling people. It's been this way ever since I was in primary school, when my friends would write their numbers in my autograph books and I would do.. absolutely nothing with that information.) It's skeevy, isn't it skeevy? I would not be happy with my husband if he was doing that. I hope he's not doing that. 

Isn't it so achingly painful and awkward to do that dance of "what's your age? what are your hobbies? favourite food? favourite music?" (By the way, most of these questions can be answered by scrolling through my public IG feed.) What is the intended payoff of that? We can visit each others' houses for Raya? Our kids can have playdates? We can go have lunch and talk about.. What? What do we have in common?!

I don't think I'm isteri mithali or anything, but I don't want to chat with any man on the regular, unless it's my husband. He's the only man I find interesting right now. Except for, y'know, dashing celebrities like Jason Momoa and Sonny Bill Williams. So don't try making friends with me. We hit it off at our shared activity, or we don't, and that's the end of it.