yesterday was just damn cool! firstly, it was on wednesday timetable, which i haf no complaints about. i mean, pw was relaxing cos miss wong has this illusion tt our group is damn advanced, so i spent a few minutes strolling around outside, alone.. heh. and bio lec is always relaxing.. ili and i were playing yet another future-predictions game, and apparently, i'm gonna be living a medium lifestyle with ex-friend, honeymooning in thailand, and have 9 kids after tt. 9 kids!!! i can't even bear ONE baby's screaming. haha. then it was maths and econs. yay and my day is over.
acherli no. then we went mac's.. on the way i saw BOTH my ghim moh crushes!!! woohoo! the upper sec one is just soooo.. perfect, except for the height. he's so confident and not poser and handsome and stuff.. and the lower sec one is REALLY good-looking. but blind ili refuses to look past his scruffiness into his deepdeep eyes and strong eyebrows, so she diden share our opinion. haha. den when we walked back we saw hl guy! woohoo! he's still adorable! den i went off for drama.. we took a thousand years getting a cab cos frappe's ct stole one from us! but it was a cool rehearsal, i had lotsa fun. alot! alot! then we went for dinner where poor broke me had to settle for 2 cheeseburgers. rrrrrRRRRARGHS. den we had a bitching session. it was sooooo cool! i was really surprised that having guys around actually enhanced the quality of the session, instead of whatevering it.. and then zhaf asked me, "who do you think is the cutest guy in j1?" .....aaaannnd.. i couldn't answer!!!! i was really shocked! and i still cannot answer now.. i really dunno.. so.. i'll just settle for ex-friend. hahahahaha. but seriously. he IS handsome. he should just not be so poser all the time, it ruins the effect. ooh then after our dress rehearsal, we watched the wiz, which totally rocked! the prologue was really really cool.. i mean, itz practically interactive! and the actual thingy was just bursting with energy and fun and happiness and all things positive, every single minute! subjectively speaking, my favourite part has to be the whole wicked-witch-and-her-man-whore scene. emilia and i were just dying the moment the black coat parted. sorry, i really don't mean to sound hormonal, teenage-angsty, or whatever.. but it was seriously very very nice to look at. i mean, people talk about six-pack, and how this guy has it, and this guy almost has it, and blahblah.. and we see it on tv, and maybe mags and stuff.. but [i dunno if i speak for everyone] *I*'ve never seen it in real life. until last night. i swear, that was the epitome of hot. wowwwwwwwww... itz all like, well-defined, and complemented by the pecs also.. so like, yah.. and even more endearing was the fact that he was so NOT-TRYING-TO-SHOW-THEM-OFF-AS-MUCH-AS-POSSIBLE.. we were going back downstairs thru the backstage, with emilia and i at the back, still dying, when she almost bumped into him!!! and he was like, "oh, sorry.." and as we walked out, he took off his coat and put on a tshirt. i could NOT resist turning around, sorry! haha. so yes, i had an excellent day yesterday.
today my dad bought me a new handphone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i want to die!!!!! why is he so nice when i'm a serious shitass half the time???? itz just about everything i ever asked for, btw.. and.. yarh! and vowing that i won't ever be a shitass will not work since i'll never change ah. not for the better.. aaarrggghh.. they're too good to me? and how do i repay them? by checking out the man-whore's abs!!
sigh. and another shitty thing? number's changed too, so i'm losing my entire inbox, which i've spent soooooo much time cultivating. the inbox with the msgs from nick.. and jeremy.. and ESPECIALLY that one from fir.. -bawls- now i have no more pick-me-up when i'm feeling sad. it used to be i'd just open that message and this happy feeling would just spread through me, slowly but surely. now i have nothinggggg!!!!!!!
acherli, i think i'd rather have my old fone with tt message inside, than this new fone which is totally devoid of memories. but how do i tell tt to my dad?

aaah econs essay screaming for attention! and i forgot all the cool things that have been happening!!!
okay yest and today were like, the coolest days of my life.
yest i rushed into the train as usual, hoping and HOPING samit would be there. of cos, he wasn't. i think there's a quota of oh, i dunno, ONE?--for samit sightings. takpe. i mean, you shouldn't get too much of a good thing too often. right? but anyway, his friend was inside, already sleeping. i just decided to sit in the same section as him, just so i'd have some kind of reminder of samit. anyway, i guess the bodyguard was really tired or smthg, cos he just slept and slept and diden wake up! so like, the train reached bv, and i was still sitting there, wondering, "is anyone gonna wake him up?" no one made a move. the doors opened. so i walked purposefully towards him and tapped his arm. he woke up ah, and yah. the day is saved. thanks to me. yah and i was in a relatively good mood for the rest of the day cos i really thought i'd made a connection there with samit, however indirectly. bodyguard is indebted to me ah! i'm sure this is a sign of better times to come. the whole issue of telajaking station in the morning is really bothering me ah, cos i find it a personal danger also. i'm not like that sleeping guy, who can sleep ternganga but still find it extremely natural to wake up at bv. so yah. i worry about it everyday man.. and what if no one wakes me up? like, damn maluating sia! how come no one wanted to wake bodyguard up? so mean! if they won't wake HIM up, they definitely won't wake ME up rite? ok sorry, but like i sed, i find it a real threat. hm. ohyah then during pe we played floorball! i was just dying of happiness and screaming and kneeling on the floor, combined. i lurvveee floorball! still! and i miss ms zhang! still! anyway i was the goalie again. it was quite cool. thatz not to say i was a good goalie. but i got more battle scars [crushed fingers, thinned knees, etc.].. and i truly believe that my place in life lies in defence. after that was tarian. i lurve tarian, but i hate the dirty yucky floor and all those shitty smokers. HELLO! girl with fragile lungs here!!! hm. saw izzat in the train. thatz abt it. did i mention i lurve floorball? and "harry" lim is really good, i was totally wow-ing every single move of his.. and ili is great too.. ha.. like a certain bowl-crowned male?
today was better, if thatz possible. there was.. OM.. a cool breeze was blowing in my direction and it seemed like such a nice romantic setting. haha. so i walked within a metre of him and.. hugged the pole/pillar/greenwhatever. then i was griping cos gp was gonna be replaced by pw and i really really wanted to go library again for gp and see the HL guy. but i had a really pleasant surprise when miss wong sed our grp worked so hard already, we cld just use it as a free period. which i did, to great effect. saw HL guy! whee!~ HL guy rox k. so cute! so short! so.. act pai! den.. before econs lec we went to mac's and got sustenance. did NOT acherli work cos i was hungry in the train. nvm. just before econs lec i went up to the photocopy shop to check for chem r tutorial. it was a complete waste of energy, cos there was none. so i went back down, and at the landing, i passed HL guy! wow! and thatz when i realised how short he was. very. about my height, cld be shorter, but letz not believe that. for his sake. mebbe parallex error. all i know is, he's so short i can see the top of his hair. then i went in and out again to put chem practs. not tt i minded. see, the friends decided to kidnap OM and impostor upstairs, so i had to tgk as much as possible. then it was pe, which rocked my socks!!!!!!! ee. so cliche. sorry. but it was cool. spent 10 mins watching latte looking like a female model and this sji guy saving goals in a really cool way. the ball just bounced off him in varying directions. cool sia. spent 15 or so mins passing the handball and stuff. i really suck man. i wouldn't wanna partner me ah. but anyway, to show the extent of my stupidity, ili passed the ball to me, so i ran forward to catch it, or whatever, and it hit me smack in the right side of my face! my cheek and some nose. did my face seem abit flatter? it probably is. i am SUCH a retard! after that i wasted about 50 seconds laughing ah. in total i wasted 25% of my time laughing. but the actual game was cool. like i said, my place in life is in defence. so i just spent my time at the centre of the goal line, preventing all those guys from scoring. it was cool. shah was just soooooo pleased with me and sabrina. see! even sucky ppl like ME can get praise. of cos i think the people of the match wld have to be sya and ili. ili who popped out of nowhere to catch what was clearly a yellow's ball. and sya who tried hard to do the whole slam-it-down-into-tha-ground thing. oooohh i just lurvvvvvvvvveeeeeee play-able sports! so farn!
okay i'm done. i wasted 20 mins on this!!!!

today was an awesome day. really. you know how they say you should haf a balanced diet, good exercise, all that? i think i got something like that today. my version, of course. see.. started the day rushing for the train as usual.. my legs were totally cramping up.. then i swooshed into the train and saw [well acherli i heard him talking first] samit and his bodyguard, so i instantly plopped myself into a seat opposite. and spent the entire ride pretending to read while really examining his longish face, uniform ratio, and perfectly curved thick eyebrows. ooh and hair. so yeah, that was A Second of Samit. dee� finally realised she's seen him around b4, so i guess i might find out his name someday. then.. ohyah diden c hichael but that diden matter, i was too samit-intoxicated. thenn.. no one on the bus cept for oilman. haha. cool. itz still OM no matter what language itz in! anyway.. ohyah diden see much of latte except his hair, and about 5 seconds of viewing during a VERY SLEEPIFYING maths tutorial. but i did see the HL guy alot. hair-library, geddit? haha. den.. ohyah. INCIDENT: we were walking past the canteen to bio pract when i saw sya's fren, whom she diden see, so i decided to do her a favour and i steered her round for a better view. then.. she was still looking fruitlessly [while his hair was practically ingrained in my memory by then] and we were still walking, then.. SHE DECIDES TO BUMP INTO FRAPPE! who immediately turned round and gave an apologetic smile and said sorry. i wanted to die. and scream. acherli i did scream. the worst part is, SHE DIDN'T EVEN REALISE THAT ANY OF THE ABOVE WAS HAPPENING! sorry to scream. haha. thot i got it all out just now. anyway, i waited about 2.5 seconds, and started screaming about how i wanted to pull down her skirt and tear it to pieces, then i went even more psycho and banged my fists on poor amir.. and then we reached the bio lab, half-dead from laughing, and i squatted down, and ms lee walks past and PATS MY HEAD! and if thatz not enough, she says, "someone give her some money.."!!!!
yes so that was my.. *ahem* relatively uneventful morning. anyway wat i meant by the balanced diet was i had about enough proportions of frappe, latte, samit, and HL guy.. and adam too.. dun need so much of others ah.. plus, physical exertion in the form of INCIDENT. but i was still SOOOOOO sleepy!!! and i was zombiefied in maths tut when my fone started vibrating, in the middle of mr. kan's explanation! so i answered it and hissed, "i'm having lesson! bye!" anyway it was shafa, wanting to meet up cos she ended skl already. so i sed yah. at first i thot i'd haf to pon econs lec, so i told sya.. then shafa sed she'd come to bv so i went into the lt and proclaimed, "i'm here-i'm here!" which i think the whole world heard ah. haha. sorry. i guess i was just so happy to get out of maths-and-chem sleeping session. anyway then i went to meet shafa and we went to bk at holland v, after a non-search for pizza hut. and we went upstairs and guess who we saw? ***HICHAEL*** i gasped. audibly. i couldn't help it ah. i mean, sleepy boring day, i was just expecting to like, hang out with shafa, and a larger-than-life hichael awaits at an empty table in an even-emptier bk? hello! i thot i was dreaming. dunno if he heard me gasp, because he diden look up, but being me, i'm sure i was very very loud. anyway he finally looked up and i almost died. he looks really great close-up. i swear. anyway he was studying there with another fren. a guy, fyi. fmi too. haha. then.. we went down to buy food, and 2 seconds later, he came down too! and i saw him smiling, so i just couldn't take my eyes off him! his eyes are heeuuuggeee! his hair is soooooo black! his presence is soooooo commanding! so i just kept turning back to look at him. i suppose i was soopa obvious cos when we left, i was still turning round to look at him, and i saw him look up at me, and smile to his fren. i.e. he knows. haha. so erm, frappe knows, and ex-fren knows [as well as all his derivatives and spies], and now hichael knows? great. who's next? latte? samit? the ghim moh guy? normally i'd say something along the lines of "i'm dead" but i just realised, i mean, now that they know, nothing happened what. as in, nothing good, thatz for sure.. but nothing bad either. i mean, he diden like, march up to me and say, "oi girl! i know you like me, but you are just so damn ugly and i'm too handsome for you, so you better stop liking me or else!" so yah i mean, the fact that they know, the fact that i'm obvious and not subtle like a certain ili hazwani [haha sorry i still think itz abit off to discuss the ways a person chooses to display that they like you..], has no effect on my life ah. so.. yah. itz okay for me to be obvious and all, the way i usually am. HA. stick THAT in your hair, spy!
ohyah yest went out with fana. i was halfway to afternoon dreamland at 3.30 when my phone jangled mercilessly. it was fana: "eh do you want to meet up" --today? "yah, around 4.30? asal takleh takper?" --OK! haha. went to citylink. kwite fun.. then went to funan to eat. we walked around city hall alot. but i didn't get tired, cos for once, i diden haf a bag with me. found a cute guy at taco bell at funan. he was amused by my laughter, apparently. aren't they all? haha sorry, didn't mean to sound eksyen, but just stating a fact. anyway he has a nose tt'z shaped like a kinked demand curve, and proportionately smaller eyes, but he's better-looking than bulbous nose [i think].. yah that was fun. i've been having fun these past two days, thanks to fana and shafa! and of course, all these other extras like samit!!! woohoo! sorry i'm kinda on a samit-&-hichael high. no, make that a hichael-&-samit high. yeah sounds better.
anyway sorry for all the screaming. the reason is stipulated above. nitez all!

sorry i'm just too tired to put a clippie today. i just wanted to put disconnected stuffs: spy song & more excerpts from tt book.
i did a spy song yesterday. itz to be sung to the tune of.. well i think itz quite obvious. eensy weensy SPY went up the water spout/down came NORAIN and washed the SPY out/out came SYA and cut off all his hair/and the eensy weensy SPY soon retired--YEAH!

"Karsh watched me as if he were gauging something. Then he reached back out of the car and took my hand and I tried not to wish he would never let it go as he turned it over, nodding to himself.
--Mmm hmm. Just as I thought, he said, pointing to a network of creases below my pinky. --You should be--and will be--with someone who knows that when he's with you there's nowhere else he'd rather be.
The buzz went off in his pocket now and he let go of my hand to check his cell again.
--Oh, man, he said glancing down at the little screen. --I've got to go.
When you meet someone like that, beep me, I thought.
After he'd gone, I noticed he'd forgotten to take back the cassette, still lying tumbled in my lap. I examined it now. It seemed he'd made the cover himself, a sketch of the sea and sand and some two-stroke boats.
I couldn't resist. I went home and dug up my Walkman.
The music slunk in slowly, a shimmering strum, and then tentative drumbeats, a hesitant knock on a submerged door playing off from left ear to right. And as it went on recognition struck a match in me.
I watched now as the first drops struck the pane. I pictured them as the shivery percussions, watched the storm shudder from my ears and out to all the inhabitants of the big girdling world disco as if what was inside my body could affect the outside like that, as if music really did make the people come together. But I suppose it did--that had been the point, right?
It was raining ropily now, the colors from the pines and porch steps and beaten grass all streaked and running. And one by one, the other instruments fell away until it was only these deep-end drums rising up in all their submarine clarity, like my overfull heart, into my own ears."

"--It's just then you got so busy, with school, your friends, your life, he continued now. It sounded like the way I felt sometimes about Gwyn. --And now you are all grown up. I know it took years, but I still can't help feeling it happened in the blink of an eye. Sometimes an expression will come to your face that I was knowing when you were only months old, when you saw a puppy for the first time, or when your diaper was ready to go. But now it is not for puppies and diapers. I suppose that's what happens; it is only natural, especially in America. But it's funny--if someone had told me before we left India that I might lose my daughter even more quickly in the process, I would not have budged one inch.
He grinned suddenly, and frantically rubbed his thigh, the itch that wasn't there that popped up at moments like these, embarrassed by his sudden display of emotion. He didn't usually talk like this.
--And been a farmer in Varad today...not!
He was trying to make a joke of it, but I knew it was no joke. I don't know why but I wanted to cry. I looked at my father and I saw for the first time, it seemed, the silver spreading at his temples, a wave breaking on a black sea of hair, and that just discernible bald spot creeping up reeflike underneath it all. The wiry strand curling out from his ear. There was a jaggery-colored cluster of spots on his forearm I didn't remember being there before. I saw that familiar smile stretching too tight against too many teeth and for the first time in what seemed like a long time it didn't irritate me. For the first time I saw that it was a beautiful smile, one that was trying to enjoy something so that somebody else could, to not say the wrong thing, to not spoil the moment, a smile stretched tight to not let the wish escape. Or maybe it had already escaped, that wish, and it was trying not to let on in again, to not let one grow again, like a dandelion gone gauzy to be blown bare by a passing wind."

"--How can I ever thank you? I said.
--How can *I*? she said. --Do you know Nietzsche's theory of eternal recurrence, Dimple?
I shook my head.
--Well, I hardly understand it myself, to be honest. But I have pulled out an easily applicable day-to-day rule from it that always gets me out of a jam: You must live every moment of your life in such a way that if you had to live it over and over again till infinity, this would be a good thing.
I couldn't quite wrap around that yet.
--I know, she empathized. --It's a tall order. But it's not a shabby thing to aspire to. And I just wanted you to know that thanks to you, my night has been just like this."
sometimes books can teach you cool things. or they can somehow say exactly what you're thinking but can't put into words.

i haf so much to say, so little time. so much to say, too little emotional capacity. so much to say, not power enough vocab to word-ise everything.
thurs. oh that was yesterday. guess i'm not as busy as i thot i was. dun really remember much, except tt spy and ex were there again. whateva. i ended up walking into skl alone and doubling back to the office table to get a copy of outlook. heh. guess what i did with that! it looks really good now. my locker, i mean. i'm extremely proud of it. pe was extremely fun. mr shah is damn funny, esp after the whole hair thing. i seriously cannot stop laughing now. and HIGHLIGHT: played floorball! it rocked! i didn't. but IT rocked. i somehow became goalie.. and the other team kept approaching me! so like, when the ball was within a 10-metre radius from me, i started screaming. hey! i was skared! the screaming helps to let it out! but it kinda made life abit difficult cos the girl attacking started laughing which made me laugh too. but i had fun! floorball is fun, has always been. i miss you, ms zhang! and adeline! who used to cheat! haha. anyway after skl i met up with fana and showed her my new locker [which, i now realise, is a collage representing me! in all my craziness and dreamer-ness and stuff.] and we went to mac's and tokked. went home feeling happier but sadder. immersed myself in the coffeehouse compilation.
today was a fps. i dunnolah. i guess it was a cursed day from the start or something. had OH-team briefing. saw my ghim moh crush when i was at mac's. sat/lay not 2cm away from adam's bag. heh. drank n dreamt n depressed at canteen. added my second doodle to lt 2.5. ohyah. listened to president's scholars in the morning. and mebbe itz my imagination, but after tt i found myself UN-sleepy in chem, and extremely attentive in chem and bio. and during the malay break i acherli finished my bio tutorial, a feat not achieved by me since.. well, since EVER, even counting sec 3 and 4. and walked to mrt very samit-ly with sya. thatz it. [thatz not it, sebenarnye.] ohyah and i drew impostor and a stylised posing orang minyak. whee.~

thots
1. it is VERY possible to be crying a world's supply of tears inside while laughing to rock-hard abs outside.
2. it is just as possible to feel even sadder when finally meeting an old friend, after a long period of wait that made you feel initially sad.
3. it is therapeutic to walk very slowly and deliberately, like each step means something special to you.
4. it feels surreal to be feeling lost and empty and suddenly walking into a tunnel where a busker sings there's a kind of hush on his guitar, at night. sometimes it makes you feel better. sometimes it helps you understand your feelings better.
5. there is nothing wrong with being completely different from the norm. it does not equate to off.
6. it is possible to be loud AND painfully shy.
7. there is nothing wrong with liking someone who will never like you back. 1 year, 2 years, 3 years.. time is immaterial. just liking someone may never be enough, but it's also better than not liking anyone. what have you got to look forward to then?
8. doodlefest rocks. the raymond guy, with his rose and all that... he rocks! congrats to him!
9. in negative mode? dancing helps.
10. telling someone "i love you" doesn't.
11. there's nothing wrong with liking someone. it does not justify teasing.
12. there's nothing wrong with appearing to like someone. it does not mean you do. and it does not justify teasing.
13. suaners belong in loveless hell.
14. spies too.
15. ditto for insensitive idiots.
16. if trying to forget someone is too hard, don't try. why upset the natural balance of things? just continue thinking of that person larh. at least you won't waste brain space or emotional capacity trying to subdue/eradicate thots of that person.
17. in friendship, there's no such thing as standing someone up. there's no such thing as ignoring messages. there's no such thing as fairweather. THERE ISN'T! and i give up. i stopped being sad yesterday. i started being angry.
18. drawing rocks.

oh remember i said i was reading born confused? this is a really nice excerpt from the book:
--Well, Kavs, I said. --If it makes you feel any better, I've been spending my summer finding out I'm not Indian enough, nor American enough, it would appear.
--How's that?
--I don't know. I guess I'm just not Indian enough for the Indians or American enough for the Americans, depending on who's looking.
--What if you are looking?
--What do you mean?
--I mean, you are saying that you don't feel like you measure up, isn't it? Depending on who is looking at you, heh? But what if you still all the voices and stares, all the things you think you're supposed to think or you think everyone else is thinking, and go to somewhere in yourself like when you are underwater, for example, or in an asana, that truly conscious silence--and look at you?
--Hmm, I said, thoughfully. --I guess I've been so busy feeling I don't fit so well into either place that I never really thought of it that way.
--But Dimple. Maybe that is because you are too big for one place; you have too much heart and home and information to be contained in one tidy little box.
--You mean I'm all over the place.
--You are...interdisciplinary, if you will. But you have to realize, there is no such thing as this tidy little box you think you have to fold up and fit into; it simply does not exist. That's what I'm learning, learning as we speak.
She was right. After all, if she herself had wondered whether she was Indian enough--she, who had always been to me a sort of epitome of Indian--then who could be? Who could claim the sole right of way to an identity?
--And you have to realize that you don't need that box, she added slowly, speaking as much to herself as to me. With every word the veil of tears burned off her face like sunned dew. --That there is something that connects it all, even in wide and open uncontained space. The way a constellation makes a shape.
I tried to picture it, and found to my surprise that I could. It was beginning to make sense.
--The way a silent room has a sound, I said.
She nodded, smiling.
--You, she said.--from Tanuja Desai Hidier's Born Confused

spies are abound. or SPY, anyway. haha. itz a long and sad story. get ready.
this morning i was just dying of sleep and boredom. sleep cos of obvious reasons, boredom cos samit wasn't around, but his bodyguard-friend was.. and neither was slrdlm. then fana called, as she sed she would, so we took turns complaining to each other arh. and i was complaining about ex-friend.. and his personal spy [acherli i think itz extremely perasan of me to regard him as a spy, but yah]. i was just bisinging ah, in code AND in names.. i diden think anyone was there to listen!!! i wasn't even paying attention when the train passed the stations, so yah. i was just feeling grumpy and sleepy and off. so there i was, complaining loudly. acherli not loudly, but more like my normal volume, which is a teeny bit louder than normal volume standards. so anyway, there i was, ranting and raving about ex-friend and all.. and listening to isky stuff.. then i got off and i saw the very subjects of my tirade! i wanted to die of stupidity. no, really. i think the entire train heard me bisingbising. itz just that i diden care at first cos i diden know THEY were in earshot! i am sooooooo dead now, i swear. if there was ever any doubt tt i liked him, that kinda cleared it up. aaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhh. feet so big, still can masuk mouth. ohyah then when we were at lockers or smthg, sya was saying how spy kept looking round so much she wanted to cut off his hair. haha. ttz pretty funny, but i'd really like to believe that he ended his spying stint yesterday. we are not that special.
anyway. while i was walking home just now i was just thinking about coffees and stuff. and i remembered my yearbook, the one i compiled from other yearbooks when i was in sec 2[?]. sooooo..... i found it ah.. and flipped through, hoping tt pics of those who matter are in there.. aaaaaannnnndddd.. i started laughing like crazy!!! itz really funny, i swear. esp. decaf's pictures. i wanted to die of laughter! muz show sya!!! sum mysteries also ah.. and sum regrets e.g. no pics of *******. but nevermind. i have the last year's yrbk to make up for tt.
well gotta go do pw now!

kaoz.. the girl is right! i'm damn off! forgot that i already wrote abt tues!!!

it's been 4 days. four days. and so much has happened since. i think i forgot some of the so much, but itz ok. well. here goes.
tuesday. i can't remember what happened at all, acherli. did i see samit? hm. ohyah i did. the moment i realised he was there i msged sya: "samit is in the train! brace yourself.." verdict? she thinks he rocks, and she loves his hair! woohoo!
wed. had players rehearsal at someplace in robertson walk. went to buy dinner at UE Square, where there was this nice guy who told me to "relek, relek.." when i screamed at him not to put tomatoes in my croissant. =D his name is shankar. and then my sister picked me up with yet another of her guy friends. this one is the nicest, funniest and friendliest so far. we all know i like friendly people, since i can't be friendly myself. so. yah. fana and i are sorta praying he's related to mugant so maybe if i see more of him, i might just ter-meet mugant and fana can finally be friends with him. ohyah just remembered. *I* diden see samit but sya and nurie did.
thurs. okay i definitely saw samit. he was alooooooonnnnnnneeeee!!! and i diden even know he was there, cos, you know him, he likes to slouch down in his seat and all.. so he was quite hidden until i sat down and glanced in his direction. woohoo! i wanted to die of happiness! those nice lightgrey-orange shoes.. the headfones.. the sling bag.. the hair! then.. the nose, and eyes, and lips. and his lumbering sort of walk. except that hez too slim and cool to look like a real lumbering elephant or something. when i got out of the train, i was trying to walk slowly also, so i could like, "walk with him".. but.. haiz.. i think he really walks damn slowly, so i was still about 4 metres infront of him at my slowest pace. haiyah. ended up "walking with" sluardlm instead. but dun worry, i met dee2 downstairs and i talked to her so i got to see abit more of samit. yay. had tarian also. spent 15 minutes in the toilet scrubbing the grime of 2-plus hours off my huge soles. tarian was cool! especially with sya's ronaldinho male/female to spice up the evening. hahahahaha. i swear, he really looked womanly from the back!!! and itz a great tarian, with a song of great memories. hm. den.. yahlah tt shd sum up my prettiful thursday..
friday. this was the king of the week. the king of fun. the king of meanness. of shittiness. no one was in the train.. no one who mattered, anyway. and assembly sucked ass. but ifg itself was soopa fun! having had enuff of the guy's lame commentating, i did my own. it was cool. then.. watched adam running around the netball court for awhile. but his team got eliminated before i got to see any real action. stupid. takper. then.. after that we hung out in the canteen waiting for each other. that was a real pain. but an interesting one. took picture with ahmad in his cps costume. with shades and all. the picture-taking process was extremely entertaining:-
me n sya: "ahmad, can we take photo?"
ahmad: "okay.."
5 minutes real-time pause.
me: "oi hurry up ah! ili! come and take photo!"
sya: "saper nak ambik?"
me: taps hon lyn on the shoulder "can you help us take?"
hon lyn: "ok"
sya and i flank ahmad.
me: "oi ili! hurry up! stand here!"
ili finally gets into position. picture is about to be taken when,
sya: "eh wait!" moves away from ahmad to stand on my other side. "okay."
picture is finally taken.
here i will mention the names of some mini-events, but no details. album screaming, hair-library-guy obsessing, latte-staring, tudung phase, bus kegilaan, incorporating partial album screaming and partial sya's camera screaming.
we went to ps.. watched cradle of life, which rocked. ignore the part where i slept soundly despite the gunshots and shouts and all. [i was tired!] i like the tribespeople the most. then we went to the mrt station.. where we took a picture against sum pillar. luckily ginny was there.. then.. ohyah had a great laugh over this loong lidi-sized guy with a loooooooonnnnng moustache, a tight blue tank top, long pants, and ladylike bag and footwear. then we split up in the train.. nurie went to meet silah and filza ili sya me went to pray. then we went to bishan, where we were the first people to arrive. waited a few thousand years for the rest, and took 156 to thomson 800.. i had a great time mopping. except.. by the time the mop arrived, everyone else had arrived too and i couldn't do the whole mrs. doubtfire thing with the mop. sheesh. then we went to pray. then we came back. nurie was already there. some of us felt really out then. and so i sat outside with shafa and the bucket overturned. then.. yah. then some ppl left, and we sang rgs skl song and dedication and well, the bucket overturned again. yipes. later when i was abit better i swept up the place. guess what? i realised tt i lurve sweeping and mopping! then i posed for pictures with azi on the couch. fun!
you know what? i think that party was as much a surprise for some of us as it was for nurie. i mean, i was surprised to realise how much i miss everyone. especially shafa and her like, gila "this-fashion" humour. and i will never forget that orang-minyak quip!!! plus he DID look very orang-minyakish in attitude when he was trying to scour under the sofa with his eyes. hahahah. shit lar.. why do the jcs have to be so far apart? we shd have a jc district or something. then even though we get the types of education and educational environment we want, we can still meet old friends and not have to miss them so much without realising and finally crying lyke siao when finally realising. sigh.
oh and i have a major announcement to make: ties with my friend have been severed. therefore i have no friend. yay. and i wrote this pantun berkait just now.
Pokok labu tumbuh menjalar
Orang-orang berdiri kaku
Mendengar lafazmu yang kasar
Sepahit hempedu hati daku.
Orang-orang berdiri kaku
Awan putih lalu gemawan
Sepahit hempedu hati daku
Tidak lagi kuanggapmu kawan.
and i thot only GIRLS bitched. but then again, he IS a girl.
OHYAH i forgot!!! remember that cute-cute ac cin guy who takes 105 with me? he happened to take the same 156 also!!! but.. he has a gf. ohwell. he's in j1, btw.
anyway then we took cab to sya's hse, where we talked for awhile before nurie fell asleep and i went home. thanks, God, for melindungi me all this while.
today was pw. it was as usual, not fruitful. but the coffee club express guy was pretty not-bad, and he was mobile and all, so it wasn't TOO bad. heh. see? i can find bright patches among dark cloud cover! even though i was still whatevering abt yest the whole of today.
this looks like a whole load of shit. ohwell. what do you expect, after 4 days of withdrawal?

itz back to the numbered list, i haf tons of work to do..
1. thank you, thank you, and THANK YOU, God, for campaking my dear samit in the train just now. i wanted to die of happiness. i almost sat at the same row of seats as him but decided not to push my luck. so i settled for looking at a cutoff of him in the reflective door pane. whoever decided to put reflective surfaces in trains and buses, has my eternal love and gratitude, i swear. woke dee� up from her stupor just now when i screamed "YO!" at her. haha. sorry man! i was just in a terrific mood, u know, seeing samit and all. he still looks as good as ever. then.. i managed to alert sya of his presence, like, 45 minutes in advance [the moment i saw him on the train], PLUS he walks slowly and all [in fact, i dun think he walks, itz more of an evening stroll. not even morning stroll, morning stroll is slightly more energised than his style of movement].. so she got a good look at him. and she agrees! alrite! alrite! alrite! alrite stoppit. she sed she loves his hair [wahoo!] and that he'z tall [or did I say that?] and that he looks generally good. thatz the idea i got, correct me if i'm wrong. -sigh-
2. i CANNOT believe we're doing a four-days-in-a-row semi-professional performance with a professional theatre company!!! i can't believe my luck [or unluck, depends on POV].. i mean, i joined as a costumes person initially. so who ever thot i'd wind up being an all-out bimbo? ohwell. life is unpredictable, innit?
3. like when we were at the surau and i heard this gross voice and i refused to turn around but it was my fren of cos.. ohyes the econs lecturer's name is mr. vadi [vady? wadi? wady?]. anyway we had this really cool impromptu brainstorming session there ah, with no help frm non-fren and my fren, but whatever. it was ivan ili filza sya me. and the ideas were just spilling forth, esp from ivan. good job all! at least i can have faith in some enthu and semangat [same thing?] people. kisah cinta sejati is gonna rock so bad, suria will cry over itz horrible cinta bollywood which does not just pale, but DISINTEGRATES in comparison. i'm so proud of myself. and ili. and sya. and ivan. and filza. and azi. and EVERYONE! everyone rocks! got the general production outline written down, but will not put it up yet. you know whatz my favourite part? itz the ticket in the form of a wedding invite.. i mean, how cool is that? i am so gonna dream of this wonderful love story man..
nitey!

yes i haf a brand-new crush! this is soooooo fun!
okay anyway today was the filming[?] of the raffles programme video. so i miss an entire day of skl!!! and i get to lek2 at home abit more.. ANNND take 53 also. i mean, what more cld i ask for? so anyway, it wasn't too bad. it was funny at some parts, and irritating sometimes, but also interesting cos i felt as if we were filming some sort of music video. i mean, i'm sure that's how they film music videos too, except they play music along with it ah. i had only one scene to do, so it ended around 10-plus for me and i went home.
but anyway, the point i'm trying to make is, there was a cute guy on set! okay, he's probably married, cos i saw a ring on his wedding finger. and he IS older than me and all. but he is sooooo cool! he gelled up his hair nicely, and he had a cool goatee too. like the one i think latte is trying to grow but not succeeding very well. his socks are ankle, and with orange lines on the bottom. hello, he screams cool all over! he was doing sound and abit of lighting. this is probably the first malay guy i've crushed on in a looooooong time! ohyah and he's handsome and funny and extremely capable. so. yeah, i had a nice time. but see, i won't see him again, so this is a totally no-strings-attached kinda crush. which is the best kind for me lar..
oh and just now, when i was walking out of ri, i realised i was actually doing something i've kind of wanted to do since ever. you know, to walk around in a guys' skl when itz in session? haha. but this time, they're kinda like, younger than me, and i did NOT see any remotely lawar ones, so it wasn't too fun. but i think the other ain would have given her front teeth to be where i was just now. haha. not bad lar, being a girl so obviously and all, they're bound to stare at you. if only the starers were more worthwhile.
now. should i go to school?
ohyah ili!!!! i finally uploaded my photos.. so.. here you are..

i have no idea if this'll ever get to you, but any port in a storm la.. it's been an absurdly long amount of time since we last communicated. and i mean really communicated, not smses with technical queries in them. those don't count. and because the time we've spent apart was and is so appalingly long, i find myself having hallucinations of you suddenly appearing in my field of vision. sometimes pleasant, sometimes nightmarish, like the one i had yesterday in the train as it passed yishun. i'm already crazy, and here i am, going crazier than ever. and yesterday as i was going to sleep, i remembered everything i have never forgotten.
remember our first-ever mixed tarian? the jumble of adil and helmi and nizam and fahrur and hirman and yazid? when we were getting ready, how we would watch the dikir guys practise with nizar? remember chatting on #malayfriends with PEOPLE? remember the actual phr? the green bajus, the blue mascara in the toilet, the tepung komak faces? remember the brownies and nang nak at your house? remember girlfriends? remember far east bk and mina? remember joanna phua? remember toa payoh entertainment complex? all the lims? remember all the photographs we took? the neoprint-cards? the one with us in our minah garb, after watching sri temasek or whatever it was? the one with us as "net and rugger"? remember when i stayed over? my parents "weren't in singapore", apparently. we took the train to toa payoh, took 105 to school, like om usually did. that was cool! remember running at bishan? and studying at bishan? remember gemuk, kurus, cermin mata and tinggi? remember yong chao, jonathan, and all the other little frens? remember pencil? remember soccer and kunyah, SLWIDAW, buffer zone??? remember playing basketball with wei and his friends? how about marie, tua, beast, jack? [notice i didn't mention beer.] remember romeo must die? and bring it on, and my sassy girl? remember how we hung out at bishan after i meanly excused myself from diyanah n iskandar? remember when we first met fir at bk, and then rushed back to school, and then rushed to ri? remember when we planned to meet up once a month, at least, after we saw that group of 3 gerls from 3 different schools catching up in bishan mac's? remember buying those boxers? [i think that was the most whatever thing we ever did.] remember woodlands library? ungu, fauzee, DAUN and how he used to stare at you? and the other cute guy? remember writing hari raya cards there? remember siglap? udin, sheik, etc? our performance at botanic gardens? remember hijrah seni? remember the mpcc dikir guys? all our angklung performances and tarians?
i remember. and i hope you still do. cos i miss you. we both do.

yes that's a powerpuff version of me. cool rite? okay, i know i don't have grey eyes, but the rest of it is pretty accurate.
anyway. had pw just now at causeway point. it was the most interesting pw i haf ever had! but more informative for the guys than for myself, i guess. haha. but it was fun. and funny. din know guys were so curious about the technicalities of being a gerl.
ohyah i was supposed to post sum poems here. thanks, cikgu said, for telling us how to write pantuns.. you totally inspired a pantun movement in ili and me.. and itz been sooooo much fun!
okay okay. this was one of the first ones i wrote. did it during chem. my chem notes are now entertainingly peppered with wedding invitations, wedding layouts, and the like. ooh and ili wrote the reply. we're gonna specialise now, as far as possible, since i appear to write better in the female voice.
Campur telur hingga sebati
buat kuih untuk si dia.
Izinkan adik luahkan hati:
wajah abang membuatku ria.
Pak ****** bertumpang tanya
jika dia boleh memetik lada
Hati abang riang rasanya
Mendengar kata-kata dari adinda.
isn't tt just completely swoonable? haha. okay and this is my second favourite.. the reply was by ili, of course.
Kulihatmu membaca akhbar
Latte, setiap kali kau lalu
perasaan ini sangat mencabar
kecomelanmu menghilangkan pilu.
Kau fikir aku tak perasan
kau fikir aku tak tahu
Kau menghilangkan rasa bosan
apabila aku melihatmu.
so sweet rite? and cute? anyway. my personal favourite pantun cannot be posted here for fear of discovery. but i think itz my best ever! itz sooooo meaningful and sweet and romantic and heart-tugging. and we have huge plans to turn it into an epic love story so we can stage it or something. we're up to 3 stanzas already. and i'm sure it'll be a success. so watch this space!!!

hm. i think lofi suits me better anyway. the other one took a thousand years to get the scrolling bar up.
anyway. 3 topics of discussion. mates, dates and sole survivors. i-feel-like-dying dramafeste week. and i can't believe anyone would tie themselves down at 18!
1. mates, dates and sole survivors is the title of this girlie book i read a couple of weeks ago and never wanted to return to the library since. itz just so identifiable!!! AND recent. itz a 2002 book. i haven't even watched sum great 2002 movies! and this book is so much betta! itz abt this gerl whose frens all haf bfs and she feels out and she wishes she had one too. and suddenly, inexplicably, she meets this guy who seems to be everything she ever wanted in a guy. and he likes her too. then he turns out to be possessive and vain, etc. it takes her a while, then she breaks up with him. and out of her 3 frens, one gets dumped and another dumps. haha. so interesting.
2. okay. dramafeste week. on monday, i reached home at like, 10.15. i wanted to DIE. i did NOT expect to stay in skl so late, and for the first time, i wanted OUT. i was so tired and angry and hungry and behind in my work [which was, by far, the worst thing to be. although i still am behind.]. but i acherli had fun during the rehearsals ah. they were funny and interesting and all tt. thursday rolled around pretty easily. and somehow or other, we were all ready. i really dunno how. i dun feel i did much work doing costumes, but somehow, everyone's costumes were fine to every last detail, and we were just ready to act our butts off. and while getting ready in lt3 and all that, i had this really interesting positive feeling, which lasted the whole night, and all the way to friday night. and i was just wondering what that feeling was.. cos it was such a nice feeling. it was faraway, but familiar. like i felt it before, but a long long time ago. and i finally realised that it was the rgs nite feeling! it was the feeling of anticipationexcitementhappiness that i get while preparing for a big and important performance. i remember sitting curled in a chair at wtc starbucks with nadia rau rai baba nadzi and other ppl stoning and writing postcards and watching the people walk past, wearing a shirt [so i wldn't mess up my hair when i took it off] and almost-full makeup and a tight bun, not caring what others might think of my appearance, killing time before my first-ever rgs nite. i remember taking pictures all over wtc just before that, and all over the dressing room after that. i remember going home with zahirah that night, still feeling high. i remember stuffing myself into a red-cushioned seat in the heart of tchs, watching the self-penned play by elds, this time, not feeling so nervous about dancing infront of lotsa ppl, 3 times in a row, but the high feeling still abound. and how about hijrah seni? i remember getting out a taxi, wrapped in a sweater and already feeling excited about playing my favourite instrument and kak faridah's favourite song to a paying, completely public audience. in victoria theatre! been there, done that. i guess thatz why i felt off for the first part of this year. i missed performing. i simply LOVE performing. and i've had the fortune to be able to do that multiple times a year in rgs. and zero times a year, it seemed, in rj. and it must have been God's will that i performed last night and the night before and revived that feeling that kinda became a part of my entire being in rgs, such that i felt missing without it in rj. i mean, i was in costumes. diden expect to be acting what. expected to be watching. but they roped us in anyway, and i had a blast acting as half-myself, half-bimbo to laughs from the audience. itz great to be appreciated by the audience! it really is! and i found myself almost crying a couple of times, cos performances are great and all, but they have a knack of ending double-quickly, so by the time you realise, itz long over. and that was your last performance. and you know. itz just over and there's nothing you can do. and it made me miss rgs tarian even more! anyway. we were a success, i believe. everyone mentioned how funny it was. and the moment players kicked off, the audience laughed. so yah, i think it went extremely well. the second night was cooler, if possible. they modified the fight scene, and so i broke out the whatevers, which made the audience laugh. that was cool. it felt great. and i kinda think we deserve to win, although i would like to kill the judge for misleading us to think that arts was gonna win. yay. we rock! and i'll treasure that "template test paper" forever..
3. did i say i missed rgs tarian? well i rejoined it today. and i realised that i miss MY rgs tarian. the one with MY people and not all these new ppl. but of course i met sum of my ppl today, and it was a partial rgs tarian, if you will. i like the dance, so far, and it brings back nice memories of rj mld arts feste and phr 2001, of cos. or was it phr 2000? can't remember the year, but it was a great dance, and a nice partner too. for both. and so today we found out about a fellow schoolmate's engagement. yeeks! my blessings to them and all, but.. i dunno. i just find it weird, thatz all. but thatz not necessarily a bad thing cos i mean, people find ME weird. anyway. what i mean is, i think itz just too early to tie yourself down to one person so soon. but baba [hi baba, hope you're still alive, cos now i only hear news about you through 183573rd-party-news, and who knows how long it'll take me to hear newsbreaking news of you?] once sed she wanted to get engaged in jc2, i think. and i diden find it so shocking then, so maybe i'm just split into 2 camps. maybe the engaged thingy is fine. the off part abt it is the getting married next year. like sya sed, what if when you're in uni and some guy asks you out? you have to say, "sorry, i'm married." guy: "wad? married to whom?" you: "he's still in ns." yikes. look here, mugant, you better still be single when you and fana land in the same uni. yah.. anyway just thot it seemed weird. but it takes variety to make the world go round, i believe.