i discovered that one of the reader's digest condensed books contained a mary higgins clark: all around the town.. since i lurve mary higgins clark, i pounced on it and started reading.. and i kan tell ya, it was soooooooooo hard tearing myself away from the book.. especially at one point of time where i was like, dying of pee-ness, but i just HAD to finish the book.. well, peeing won in the end.. haha.. i love the way she just grips you from the beginning to the end.. itz sooooooo cool.. well.. ta!

One Last Cry--Brian McKnight
My shattered dreams and broken heart
Are mending on the shelf
I saw you holding hands
Standing close to someone else
Now I sit all alone
Wishing all my feeling was gone
I gave my best to you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie
I guess I'm down to my last cry

I was here, you were there
Guess we never could agree
While the sun shines on you
I need some love to rain on me
Still I sit all alone
Wishing all my feeling was gone
Gotta get over you
Nothing for me to do
But have one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you out of my mind this time
Stop living a lie

I know I gotta be strong
Cause round me life goes on and on and on and on

I'm gonna dry my eyes
Right after I end my one last cry

Chorus:
One last cry
Before I leave it all behind
I've gotta put you out of my mind for the very last time
Been living a lie
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down
I guess I'm down...
to my last cry

itz really really worrying, and i've been praying for it not to hit myself or the people who r important to me.. yarh.. anyway.. actually therez really not much for me to ponder on publicly today.. seeing as i hardly did anything yesterday. apart from rotting, that is. ohyeah.. discovered a story i wrote in my organiser... will post it here.. wait arh..
Once upon a time there lived 2 girls. Girl 1's friend once liked this boy whose name was Heaven. But nothing came out of it. Girl 2 later got to know Heaven and both girls were happy as they both thought he was a nice boy. And so Girl 1 found out soon that Girl 2 liked Heaven. She set them up together, and since Heaven liked Girl 2, they were both happy together. But one day, Girl 2 started liking a boy called Fair and, forgetting she ever liked Heaven, broke up with the latter. Everyone was devastated, but Heaven soon found another girlfriend. That was when Girl 1 got upset. She could not, for the life of her, figure out why. Then, too late, she realised she liked Heaven. A great deal. But she did nothing about it. A year or so later, Heaven broke up with his girlfriend. And Girl 1 discovered that Girl 2 was trying to win Heaven back. Girl 1 knew she never ever wanted that to happen, and that she had to do something to prevent it from happening. She prayed for the best for the boy she really liked. But still she did nothing.
had a short chat with kamie just now that totally reminded me of this.. and itz getting more real, the threat. and other bigger threats are getting more real too. and i wonder, i just wonder, if we'll all survive these threats.

everything seems so unreal somehow.. like, what with SARS and new classmates and the stupid 410 thing that is wondering if itz gonna happen or not but anyway im not going since im sure they'll be drinking anyway.. and now i haven't talked to anyone besides family since firdaus.. and im probably not going to.. so.. here i am feeling scared i'll get SARS, or my family will get SARS, or other ppl i love will get it.. and im kinda isolated.. and wondering what my new classmates will be like.. and how we'll react to them as a class.. and i dunno.. suddenly the blissful feeling of yesterday is starting to wane.. and im feeling out of it again.. and God knows when i can come back to the real world, with real friends, and such..

do i really wanna go out tmr? nah i dun think so.. i don't particularly want to stay home either, but i'd rather not spend my time tmr with a bunch of friends whom i have never really talked to.. i mean, i love them.. but it all seems.. it all feels.. superficial, like. and i really dun feel like maintaining some superficial friendships tmr.. maybe next week.. but not tmr.. i dun feel like it. i feel like seeing a real fren.. or just myself would be fine too. bye.

"Josh and his new girlfriend are at that stage of their relationship where they want to share their happiness with the rest of the world. I don't understand why happy couples can't be happy in private. Why do they need the rest of us to validate their happiness? Is it that they don't really believe in what they have found? That they suspect it might be a mirage? Why can't they just fuck off and leave us alone?"--from tony parsons' one for my baby

i was SO upset when rachel msged and sed she forgot to bring the crumpler. n that she'd pass it to me another day. but i didn't scream or let it out or anything. i stayed calm and un-angry. it was quite easy to do that for once. maybe studying and rain does that. anyway. it was like, 2.06 then. or smthg. so i went to the toilet one last time.. and there i was thinking, hey, maybe i'll be going home with shock or smthg.. then i went back out and packed my things and left. and i was walking to the queue and then i saw a guy in the queue who looked extremely cute from the back. spikyish hair, white uniform.. yada yada. and the first thing that popped into my mind was, firdaus. and i was wondering how to confirm that in the shortest possible time, so i looked down at his shoes. yep, they were orange. so as i entered the queue, i paused for awhile next to him, and sed,"hi." and itz like.. i dunno... i just forgot wat it feels like to unexpectedly bump into someone nice.. and today i was reminded of that feeling again.. in spite of all the disappointment i've felt thus far.. i just can't believe it... and i just wanna thank God for blessing me.. as He always does. even though i haven't been the greatest Muslim ever..

O2 was the most boring thing i'd ever been to. half my eyecandy was in the hall common-testing, the other half slacking away in sum obscure corner of rj.. so.. not much excitement for me from the start.. so i guess i just diden try.. but i really din find anything cool and interesting n fun in the storyline.. and the not-trying part.. well i guess i just made it worse.. and plus it was so hot and muggy.. and i dunno, it just diden feel the same anymore.. the gym was too bright and dusty, the people too annoying [i.e. lloyd], and i was already in a crappy mood from the beginning of this week. so.. yah i guess the chemistry just wasn't right for O₂. [pun intended and all, i meant that..]
anyway i thot the day would get progressively worse.. but just now i went for dinner at beach road with my sister and her bf.. and now im full and much happier so.. yah..

some people are just mean. and some people are just emotionally weak and should not be meaned against in such a manner [me]. so yeah, i feel depressed and unhappy and generally negative. and i missed the class dinner cos im just too down to eat pizza or whatever it is people do during class dinner. esp 3D class dinner. somemore drama sucked ass. it ended at 6.40, for God's sake. why did i even come to skl? sheesh. what a bad day. what a bad day.

2 guys. one was in skl dis morning with his dad. a vik. handsome. tall.looks like a nice person. guess he was appealing. hope he gets in. and he was wearing MY fila shoes! it's fate, i know it. [ok, i know itz not. but itz just a cool coincidence.]
the other one was with his girlfriend frm fairfield methodist.. malay.. good-looking too. haha. den i was telling sya sum anecdote. and i was saying how i was laughing, and "everyone looked at me.." and then he looked straight at me and said,"oh really? that's sad.." or smthg liddat. infront of his girlfriend! if i were her, i would have kicked him. but.. whatever man.

today was cool. im damnnnn full now. had drama from 9 to 5.. had a nice lunch at mac's in btwn.. and a lim entered the toilet. haha. drama was ok... i learned the second part of the tarian rasuk.. ermm.. den after drama we went home.. and nizam sya n me went to the kampung changi restaurant place to eat.. im sooooooo full! had sum kinda nasi goreng which was nice, but really ALOT. i was dying. [i still am.] den we talked alot. and we went century square for awhile.. den we separated to our homes.. im soooooo drained and full and yet satisfied with life.. oohyeah i finally got the practs, i really appreciate the photocopy shop for being open during march hols. yeah. and thank god too.. oh my uniform is also done, alterations and cucians and all.. so.. yeah.. ready to wear.. but cannot wear yet, i suppose. hee.
bye.

got the idea of this photo summary thing from dusty.. yay.

oh btw. i watched cradle 2 the grave on monday night. it was even cooler than romeo must die. well. bye.

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

that is the most spiteful thing i have EVER heard in my entire life. and that includes everything i have ever said. wtf man. what the fuck.

okay everyone, my new role model is... *Kim Possible*!!! she's pretty, smart, brave, a CHEERLEADER and kicks ass! so yah i think she rawks.
yeah kim rox and i really wanna be like her.. haha.. she has great hair, did i mention?
ok im really bullshitting. bye.

im sooooooo tired. went all over the world just now.. to bk far east, royal plaza hotel, school [as in rgs] to watch tarian, den yishun to watch this DUD of a horror film. itz kalled kafir. dun watch it, it sux. so much so that i put on america's sweethearts when i got home, just so i could recall the experience of watching a good movie. but this character, bayu, was really adorably cute. yah. veh good-looking. haha. anyway the point is im just really tired ah. feel lyke dying.good thing i bought the bus stamp this morning. i took lyke, 4 to 5 buses today i think. ohyah den on my way home jeremy called and sed he was at pasir ris. but at aloha loyang chalet! so far!!! i'd just die if i had to drag my weary body there.. so yah, im really sorry, but another time would be best.
sigh. some people should just learn not to tok abt grades 24/7. irritating shites. they deserve a shot in the head.
well. im just cranky. bye.

presenting... a piece from the raffles angklung syf central judging 2003 lineup!
Getaran jiwa
Melanda hatiku
Tersusun nada
Irama dan lagu

Walau hanya sederhana
Tetapi tak mengapa
Moga dapat membangkitkan
Sedarlah kamu wahai insan

Tak mungkin hilang
Irama dan lagu
Bagaikan kembang
Sentiasa bermadu

Andai dipisah
Lagu dan irama
Lemah tiada berjiwa
Hampa
wow.. itz one of those songs that yu kinda relax and sleep to.. today went nice.. much better than yesterday.. although i'd expected wednesday to be a lovely day and today a shitty one.. yah.. well.. bye..=)

Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him."
ever heard of retail therapy? today i went for bus therapy. see, all my plans for today were cancelled, at the absolute LAST minute. im not kidding. it was the shittiest of shitty things ah. and i was just feeling a whole poisonous cocktail of feelings that i simply couldn't understand, prevent or express. and.. all i know is that the prevailing feeling was despair. i've never fallen into despairity before, and it just feels so.. blank. like im stuck in a black hole and i can't ever get out, and i can't even die because im just trapped in one moment in time, for eternity. it's like staring down a straw into your drink [which, btw, i was doing just now.]. and i knew i just couldn't face going home with ANYONE, in such an open concept as the mrt. so i sed bye to sya and daph and i walked to the 105 bus stop, thinking of clemmy-memmy and marie and fana and all the things associated with the life that i miss and love, the life that was so suited to me [that i was so suited to?], and feeling soooooooo off. and i finally realised what the whole "real-friends-are-hard-to-find-if-you-have-5-real-friends-you-are-a-lucky-person" thing is all about. and i also realised i have none i can think of. and i realised i don't really want to be in rj, but for a jc education, it's the best place for me to be. but best doesn't mean perfect. perfect was rgs. and rj is far from that.
anyway, back to my bus therapy. so i was just sitting there, staring out the window at the road, staring at fellow passengers, while listening to my cds. and thinking, thinking, thinking, never idle-minded. and i had so much to think about, and i never really resolved anything, but i got to put sum things in other parts of my mind. now i feel better, albeit slightly, and i just wanna say bus therapy works for me. ... i still remember that day.. i was pissed to the depths of hell with a certain friend, practically crying and disfiguring my palms in the bus. and then fila lim came in, and i was just SO appeased. even if only for, oh, 20 minutes.. ok i know that wasn't totally due to my bus therapy, but it was, partly.
acherli im still feeling kwite shit now, so i think bus therapy works best with an element of pleasant surprise. haha.
well. bye.

one week later i sit here, feeling somewhat similar to what i felt in my last entry. but slightly more negative. wonder why..
tomorrow i will be *gasp* buying a uniform. i can't believe im doing this. im coming THIS close to breaking the principles i hold fast to. and then after that i'll be meeting jeremy.. can't wait to get the sa badge.. so exciting..
im very sleepy. ever notice it's a vicious cycle? sleep moderately late on sunday night, wake up groggy on monday morning, drag oneself through the day, crawl home EXTREMELY late [through no fault of one's own], struggle to stay awake for a couple more hours to complete the incomplete, then collapse on one's bed at an unearthly late hour. and the sequence goes on till, oh, saturday night. sunday morning, oversleep deliciously, slack around, and then itz sunday night!!! unthinkable.
zhaf told me red got 13. im soooooooo happy for him. and he's been wanting to go ac since ever rite? so im just veh happy for him. yah.
well. i should complete that cycle now. bye. did i say complete? i meant continue.

well. i did it. happy? i filled in the self-nomination form, wrote sum stupid unsincere-sounding comment under the reasons field, and submitted it. im damn embarrassed ah. sigh.
adam rox..
the aftereffects of pe are... indescribable. and potentially addictive. especially when taken with the ice-cream-man's ice cream.. mmm!
well. bye. wish me luck with council and everything.
but i won't cry if i dun get in. dun worry.

i went to gema puisi artistik today, and had a wonderful time. im just too tired to elaborate. bye.