What Strength Means

 "Aaahhh.. Pain beyond pain, my friends." - Voldemort

I was thinking this a lot during my second biopsy procedure yesterday. It involved taking a tissue sample from my affected armpit, inserting a clip there to track the lump, inserting another clip in the affected breast, and then moving to another room where I had to sit upright with the other breast clamped in a mammogram machine while the doctor did a vacuum biopsy for that breast.

Vacuum as in suck a bunch of crap out, ugh. I was steadfastly looking away, but I felt the blood gush down my stomach when he made the first incision. This second part was also peppered with constant X-ray imaging, so I had to hold my breath for each one, while my considerable bulk was pressed against the machine, while my sore boob was being compressed. Fun.

They put you on local anaesthesia so you are wide awake throughout and trying not to fidget while your arm is falling asleep or whatever. The extraction from my armpit also hurt like a bitch even though the doc kept adding on LA at my request. 

It was at that point, plus the vacuum biopsy part, that I wanted to yell, "Just chop off both breasts already!" Like why go through all this torture if I might end up having to do a double mastectomy in the end kan?

I also remembered the auntie that I heard wailing and crying loudly the last time I was having my mammogram done. I confess I thought she was lembek because she couldn't tahan a basic mammogram, but maybe she was also having a fucking vacuum biopsy eh? Either way, I shouldn't be comparing other patients' pain threshold to mine. They probably don't cry at MCCY ads and other people's wedding videos unlike my gembeng self, so who's to say what "strength" means?

I'm starting to feel a bit frustrated that I can't make plans to book classes or vacations because the final treatment plan still isn't out yet. I don't want to have to book then cancel a long-awaited Wesmarx workshop, just because some chemo appointment got slotted in. So I hope I get some concrete updates on Thursday.

Some people seem to think I need company, or someone to talk to. But firstly, I am physically incapable of talking (orally) about my feelings because I end up crying, and then I can't speak coherently, which is irritating for all of us. And secondly, ya I do sometimes enjoy the company or a little love, but some people's style of love just stresses me out more. Like am I supposed to reassure you or myself now? And thirdly, I enjoy my own company. I learned to do so over 20 years ago - long bus rides in secondary school turned to late night bike rides to the airport or Fort Canning to my current solo cafe caffes. 

I loooove writing, though. You can still write through dada sebak or a curtain of tears.

Sometimes I think about what kind of breasts I'll get for the reconstruction surgery. Can you choose eh? I guess I'll find out, and update here!

A girl can dream

I'm lowkey hoping this cancer thing will showcase my writing skills so well that I'll end up getting a book deal.

A girl can dream, eh?

So this past week I had three hospital appointments - a blood draw for genetic screening, a bone scan, and the consult with Dr Melissa. Diana (worked with her in my Starbucks days) was at the Delifrance on my last appointment and greeted me with "Hi Norain!" as I was queueing, which was nice. 

Dr Melissa kept checking if I had any questions for her. I forgot most of my questions except whether I need to stop taking my Yasmin. Apparently, I do because it's hormones and the cancer reacts to those particular hormones, so yup. She also said, "But you can still drink soy milk - like a cup a day, and eat tofu, etc." Which, what? Number 1, I hardly drink soy milk and number 2, why "but"? Does soy milk have hormones ke apa?

Oh.

Okay, just googled it. Soy can have estrogenic properties. The more you know. 

I'm still mostly okay. I told a few friends on Friday, then promptly started crying at the outpouring of love and support from them. Told my family on Saturday and almost cried again because I knew it was breaking my mom's heart although she tried to act cool. My in-laws were great because half of them work in a hospital or medical fields so they just asked technical questions, shared technical info, or cracked jokes. 

When my mind is too idle, sometimes I start to cry, and that's why I keep stuffing my schedule with as many classes as possible. Pilates and ballet have been really great! I'm still holding out hope I'll be able to go en pointe someday. Maybe next year?

A girl can dream.

I was wondering why cancer is so scary. Is it because it chooses its victims seemingly without discrimination? Is it because it kills? But like, heart disease, diabetes, etc can also kill what. Is it because the treatment side effects are so visibly drastic? 

Also arguably, breast cancer is the least scary of cancers because you can just chop it away while other cancers need more intricate surgery. (I think so anyway. Don't kill me Dr Melissa for misinformation.) Why am I still scared?

Well, because I don't wanna lose my boobs and my hair, I guess. And I don't wanna be lethargic and nauseous and need help from others. I believe that generally, people do not want to be dependent on others and that's partly why the elderly are generally more resistant to go for tests and scans and seek treatment. This is just evidenced by the two resistant aunties I encountered at the hospital and one ex's mum who had her leg partially amputated due to diabetes.

On the bright side, it's been nice to have "free time" in the day to go to Bedok Corner for lunch or Cata Coffee for an iced mocha and chocolate cherry cake or go for pole prac. Also, hospital toilets are so nice and clean, with bidet functions! 

I've been wanting to pack up my too-small clothes to give away, but then I wonder if I might lose weight and breasts and be able to wear them again, so I've kept them for now. My cancer nurse told me some people actually gain weight while on chemo though! Ugh please Allah no. 

Then is it I cannot buy new clothes anymore because I might lose/gain weight? Too bad, I already ordered two leotards to celebrate my return to ballet. God I'm a shopping addict.

See you next post!

Early detection saves lives

This post was supposed to be about my Exogen Mexico experience, but I kept stalling (because I didn't love it) and now something bigger has happened in my life. 

I have breast cancer. 

No idea what stage I'm at yet, because we're doing a bunch of scans to determine how far it's spread. But I have a feeling it's spread to at least one armpit, judging from how painful and lumpy it feels. 

For a known #gembengirl, I haven't cried as much as expected. Not sure why that is. I am, of course, scared, worried, confused, tired, all those things. But it hasn't translated into many tears. 

I found the lump while in Playa del Carmen. I asked Cutes to verify that it was indeed a lump, then I put it out of mind until I was back in Singapore.

It was a pain trying to get a polyclinic appointment because somehow you can't book any slots on HealthBuddy anymore, even at 10pm when the slots supposedly release for the next day. And since I didn't want to attempt a walk in, I submitted a form requesting for an appointment because I found a lump in my breast. Et voila! They assigned me an appointment (a week out)  within the day! 

Annoyingly, the polyclinic doctor was a man. Even more annoyingly, he was quite handsome (based on the unmasked areas) - pan-Asian-looking with a British accent. But it was fine, we all managed to act clinical and professional with the exception of the nurse chaperone auntie who giggled at me a lot. Maybe she also had a crush on him, entah. 

Anyway ya I got a fast-track referral to the hospital specialist, also within a week. We had to arrive at 8am for mammography and ultrasound scans. 

Since I'm below 40, I've never done a mammography, never looked into the common complaints about how painful or uncomfortable it is, nothing. The tech did explain pretty clearly to me beforehand that there would be some discomfort, but my mind was still blown. The pre-scan briefing sounded like my boobs would hurt, but it ended up being the other auxillary fatty parts of my body that were in pain, from all the manhandling the tech had to do to get the non-breast tissue out of the way. 

Then I still had to go back for another round of mammographs to be taken from other angles! (Don't worry, the tech had also preempted me on this.)

(Side-bar: I posted about the mammography on my IG stories and one lady told me how her discomfort is the other way round - much squeezing of her breasts has to be done because she has small boobs! Humans, we are so diverse.)

Ultrasound was super-relaxing, the room was dimly lit and she spent ages on each side so I basically dozed off. 

There was one poor auntie (?) who was wailing loudly during her mammogram, though, and the five of us in the waiting area either glanced awkwardly at each other or avoided eye contact. Meanwhile another auntie loudly complained that she didn't even want to do this scan in the first place but they made her come because they found an anomaly after she was involved in a road traffic accident.

Humans, we are so diverse.

By the time I was done with the scans, it was 11am and my husband had had 3 coffees and 2 breakfasts while waiting. 

The doctor saw us at 12-ish and confirmed that yes, there was indeed a lump in one breast plus irregularities in two other breast-adjacent areas. So I had to get a biopsy done RIGHT THERE for the lump, and schedule another biopsy for the other two areas, two weeks later. 

Don't worry, they administer some lidocaine or whatever numbing agent on the biopsy area, so you don't feel pain, just pressure. It's like being at the dentist. It's just that you have to avoid physical exertion for three days afterwards, to avoid reopening the wound. And you can't change the dressing for 24 hours, so no showering either.

Anyway. Follow-up appointment was this week and ya the doctor said, sorry to tell you but it is breast cancer. Then of course I started crying, so she stopped talking, and I said, "No, I always cry, please continue." LOL. They scheduled a bunch of other scans for me these two weeks, to see how far the cancer has spread, before we decide on the appropriate treatment options. 

I feel like it's an indicator of how serious this is, that my scans and next appointments are all crammed into the next two weeks, instead of being spread out over the next two months like my previous experience with the public hospital system.

So.. I just had my CT scan today where one of the techs kindly wished me all the best for my journey, and another tech asked me "Any side got mastectomy?" and I had to reply "Not yet." But don't worry, I didn't cry.

I haven't told many people, including my birth family. I kinda don't want to deal with the questions and concern. Sorry about that. But I had to write this now so I can look back from the future. Insya Allah.

Bye bye Studio 1!

 

In 2018, I was heading to Zumba class when I saw "The Brass Barre" printed on the directory of the same building. Immediately intrigued, I looked up the website, started obsessing, then booked my trial class! I was so excited to learn how to dance sexily! (Yes, that was my main motivation, but it doesn’t have to be everyone's.) And, well, we can all see where I am today.

I didn't join TBB to make friends, but it happened anyway. Despite my grumpy face and keeping to myself, I met Esther at Queen Street when she asked for tissue and directions to the toilet, Ishie during her first performance week at Studio 1 looking nervous but killing it, Yibong always being zany in class and singing along during warmups (unfathomable to me), Des and Aileen looking like the coolest devil and angel at the Halloween Freestyle Battle.. I can't keep going because I'll cry.

Change is hard and that's why "change management" is a whole module we go through in the corporate world. So when TBB completely closed the Queen Street studio, I was a little sad. The chill, literal old school vibes of the area were great, like you feel cool when you hang out there, without feeling crowded out like you do on Orchard Road. (Esther wasn't sad though; she was overjoyed to leave the creepy toilet behind.) But I wasn't too sad because the flagship Orchardgateway studio was so nice, with a proper reception area to hang out in!

You know how when we were children, we thought of our parents as superheroes, and we took for granted that they would always be around? It's very crushing the first time we realise how vulnerable our parents are, just like us. I've been attending classes at multiple studios, so I'm not at TBB every term like how I used to be, at the start. But I guess I think of TBB as my parent in the pole world. This closure of essentially half the studio space is a blow to me because it feels like the studio is being injured and I don't want it to be!

And of course, to think of what it means to the amazing instructors who teach there. And the loss of our shared spaces - Studio 1 where we had six performance showcases a year, and many other ad hoc performances besides, plus that one time Toxotic booked out the studio using our Privilege Club credits (?) for a full squad pole prac session; Queens Room where we would also try to book out the studio by individually booking pp slots and mess around together; and the reception and locker area where we'd hang out in between, before, and after classes like we didn't have a home to go back to.

But also maybe I'm just being oversentimental as always. Let's hope this is just a blip and the TBB community can all get through this together and continue kicking ass in the studio.

This was taken just before VK yelled at us because we were holding up her class. I was scared of her for months afterwards! Sorry love you VK!

 

 

 

Pole Practice – The Evolution

 I love going for pole prac because it gives my brain and body the time to process whatever I’d learned in class. Class moments are always slightly panicky, where you barely hear your teacher’s instructions and you’re just instinctively grabbing on with a random limb in order not to fall and die. Or even just to do a pirouette - ugly as it was, at least you turned on cue, right? But you do want to do it the right way eventually. And that’s why I enjoy the space that pole prac gives me.

How it started

The strength and mind-body connection of pole was a struggle for me. I was (still am) overweight and I’d never done weight training stuff consistently. I was dying to nail the moves and I knew that relying on just class time wasn’t gonna cut it. I’m also a compulsive planner. So I made a list of moves I would practise, along with the time I would spend on each:

I started with the exact same warmup the teacher went through in class, then I slowly and nervously started practising the tricks. I then realised the tricks+time to spend wasn’t the best plan, so I made myself do each trick three times on each side. For tricks I couldn’t do yet, like cradle spin or spin climb, I had to do three good attempts per side. After I was done with tricks, I’d run through the class choreo at least twice. I just felt like three times a side was sufficient to prevent half-assing the trick due to penat (tiredness), leading to possible injury. Cradle was especially hard because I couldn’t find the right positioning to avoid overloading my bottom wrist.

Of course, during beginner days, there weren’t that many moves to train, plus I didn’t know how to connect the moves into combos, so I had plenty of time to kill during the standard 90-minute pole prac. It was a lot of do this trick – fail – look nervously around – sit and watch the video playback – try again. These days, I don’t even have time to watch my videos properly until I’m in the bus home.

Intermediate Ain

Finally got the hang of spin climb, so I moved on to the next level, yay! My pole vocabulary expanded with the ankle grabs and choppers in tricks class and floor moves in chair and exo classes. Suddenly I needed to not be shy and ask random people to spot me during my invert and handstand attempts. (The nicer random people offered to spot me when they saw me struggling <3) Or use the mats, which I found useless for handstands since there’s no wrist support. Unless your mat is extra firm? Idk. Also, inverts are hard so there’s a lot of conditioning required. As my pole vocab grew, I became more interested in creating choreos and freestyling to my favourite songs, instead of the instructor’s chosen songs. So now the second half of my pp time was spent doing dancey stuff – practising class choreos, freestyling, and making up my own choreos.

Home pole

The silver lining in the dark cloud of Covid-19 was the arrival of my home pole in May 2020! Again, a billion thanks to my parents for allowing me to have one in their space, and for helping me put it up! What a game changer. I could listen to my own music all day and practise dumb things without fear of judgement. (Yes, I fear judgement.) I was able to do lunchtime pole prac every single workday! The pole room has no aircon, though, so I would do tricks for 10-15 mins before getting too sweaty and moving on to dance stuff for the rest of the session. Still! I came up with some fun routines during that period.

 I continued to book studio pole prac, maybe once a fortnight, so I could get the floor space, heels slideablity, and aircon that my home pole didn’t allow.

I break down my home pole stuff in this PompanJoget post.

Advent of private practice studios  

My life changed even more dramatically when the first private pole practice studio, Sirene, opened in late 2020! A safe space with proper floors and a proper mirror to climb and dance however I wanted? Sign me up! With careless abandon, I just started doing whole-studio bookings for just myself and.. I’ve never looked back. I did try booking a single pole a couple of times, but I found it mildly stressful to keep the other person(s) in mind spatially and musically and.. Nope. Whole studio it is. Sometimes I invite my friends, if they’re free to join me! But I really enjoy this time to explore by myself and do silly shit like my M Nasir tarian thing and afrobeats warmups and random ballet turns across the floor.

I promise that I’m using the time productively and that I’m not just taking a nap or browsing IG for half the session. Now my general goals had shifted from just “attain the level tricks, clean up class choreos, create your own stuff” to “attain the level tricks, clean up class choreos, film a nice run of class choreos, create your own stuff”. It takes me about three takes to get an okay run of class choreo, so that’s almost a third of the session. Overall, that looks like:

• 15 mins – warmup
• 20 mins – tricks (still doing the three good attempts approach)
• 20-30 mins – run through and film the class choreo
• 20-30 mins – do fun stuff (take cute pics, freestyle, choreograph something)
• 10 mins – pack up and go!

How it's going

As I get more comfortable with pole, my general goals are now in the “do what makes you happy” region. So there’s still a lot more dancing than tricks practice. When booking choreo classes, 70% of the ones I choose are somewhat in my comfort zone so that I don’t really need to spend pole prac time on them. (“Comfort zone” = old school/slinky stuff with no inverts; “Anxiety zone” = anything with inverts, dancing in heels without holding a pole, contemporary stuff.) For home pp, I spend half an hour foam rolling (SO GOOD) then practise mainly tricks and some floor inversions (shoulder stand, elbow stand, handstand), and skip the heels dancing entirely so that I don’t have to remove the foam mats from around the pole.

I still book at least one studio session every two weeks to do the fun stuff. It’s the best form of me-time. Every pp session has a mental to-do list. Last Friday it was:

• 2 chair-pole contemp combos (right side)
• 2 aerial invert attempts (left side)
• Other chair-pole trippy tricks/moves (spiral, soutenu or whatever that turn is called)
• 2 runs of chair-pole, including 1 with the invert combo at the end
• 1-2 runs of Este Old Skool choreo
• 1x PJ bottoms dancing

And I’m happy to report that I managed all of it! Although all the aerial inverts didn’t reach the V-stage. I refuse to dwell on them for the entire session though, because tricks are boring and dance is fun!

Here's how a typical fortnight looks like for me:

Week	Sun	Mon	Tue	Wed	Thu	Fri	Sat
1	Rest	Class	Studio PP	Class	Class	PP@home	Rest
2	Rest	-Class -Studio PP	Rest	Studio PP	Class	PP@home	Rest

See? It’s not that many pole pracs, right?

BGT - Final Thoughts

 I wanted to blog yesterday - something like a "day before the competition" check-in post, but I completely forgot what I wanted to write about. 

So here I am, 8 hours after the competition ended! 

Here's the "mood board" I created of how I envisioned my performance to be like. Miss Fisher of Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries because I love her forever, Jessica Rabbit in her iconic rendition of Why Don't You Do Right, and Cyd Charisse in almost anything. Beads and pearls and other things that shine, and the China doll cap of hair that Miss Fisher sports. 

And here's what I ended up with in the end. I got my hair cut short to sorta match Miss Fisher's hairstyle, but didn't go for the straight bangs because I sweat a lot, and it would have ruined the look anyway. It's incredible just how many things there are to stress about in a performance - whether your pussy lips will peek out, whether your hair will obscure your face when you're making a cool expression, whether your top might come unzipped. So although I bought two lovely headpieces that matched my mood board, I decided not to wear them for the performance. I didn't want to spend another precious 20% of my brain space fretting over whether a headpiece would stay in place. Also, I would need copious amounts of hairspray to keep my hair looking neat. Malas beb.

Day of

Everyone was really nice and supportive of each other and I loved that. And generally, I didn't feel any nerves, until it came time for me to walk on "stage". They start off asking you to introduce yourself and answer a question like "Why did you start pole dancing?" and "How has pole dancing changed your life, if at all?" I detest public speaking. Like, I really do. You can make me dance anything in front of a bunch of strangers, but for me to talk to them about myself? I hated it. I was trying reaaaalllly hard not to cry, but too bad my voice was shaking despite my efforts. I drew strength from my beautiful smiling friends though - Christine and Cynthia, thanks for showing up for me these past weeks and today!! Toxotic gang is truly one of the best things I have gained from pole dancing. 

Anyway, I performed. Stumbled a bit at the start, but I thought the rest of it was great. I really do adore performing. I like to play a character and shove it in the audience's face. I need to be playing a character on stage in order to feel comfortable - I can't just be me, lol. That's how it has always been. 

When we went back in for the results, I wanted to just schlep in in my Exowear jumpsuit, but Farhana stopped me, thankfully. But I was malas to put my heels back on because I'm not gonna win anything, after all. I even mentally reminded myself to practise my Gracious Loser face. 

So I was really shocked when they announced my name for second runner-up! Immediately started tearing up, which might explain why I look so tortured in my photos with Viv. I'm so happy and proud that my lil chorey and my execution of it got me placed! It was truly all I could have hoped for, after seeing all the amazing performances by the other competitors. 

Y'all wouldn't believe how much money (on sequined top, Pearl's Hill Studio whole studio bookings, random tools like styling mousse and mascara, and of course the headpieces I didn't wear), tears, and brain space (including multi-tasking during work hours to think through my routine) I have poured into this competition. Admittedly, most of this pouring is because of my own standards, and not the studio/judges forcing anything. But.. Yeah this is just how I tackle things - I kind of put my all and more into it. So I'm really thankful for the result, and I would like to compete again someday, but only after I've gotten stronger (as in, can aerial invert beautifully 100% of the time, plus maybe shouldermount). 

Anyway, there's no Exo Gen category for Campy Burlesque Extravaganza yet. 😜

BGT Prep Part 3

Okay, so the first version of the choreo was done. I started in early October and submitted it on 7 November, so I guess the process took about a month, which I was quite proud of, considering I was doing two term classes up to mid-October, and four (!!) term classes from 17 October. Why did I sign up for four classes? Cos I rambang mata, that's why. It did help that I didn't spend practice time on three of those classes, I suppose.

Costume-wise, I was envisioning a beaded 1920s-style top with a kain wrapped around me slinkily to look like Jessica Rabbit's dress, and I just rip off the kain at the start of the piece. But when I tested it, my legs were fucking trapped by the kain, so I reduced the cloth size to just a scarf around my neck. I was looking for something to match my ASOS top, and realised that the gold headscarf my mom bought me earlier this year is the perfect colour, so in it went. It's just draped on my neck at the start, and I swish it a couple times, then I ball it up and throw it away, as if I'm disgusted by you, the lover I'm pursuing.

Anyway, okay, submitted. I was so afraid that I would immediately be rejected at the preliminary judging round, because I don't have any aerial tricks in my piece. But I generally felt better than I did in October, as it was a load off my shoulders regardless.

The judges' comments came back within the week and.. Colour me shocked - they didn't say "Hello please add more tricks into your piece!" Instead, they basically wanted me to milk my moves and interact with the audience a bit more by moving away from the pole. Okay, that was totally unexpected to me. My brain started frantically thinking of which bits I could cut out to make room for the whole "let go of the pole and flirt with the audience" thing. At the same time, I was also wondering, But it's a pole competition, how come I have to let go of the pole? Also also, Tania was like, Don't throw away the scarf, you should reincorporate it later in the routine. I was like, Crap, why did I pandai-pandai go and include a prop?

But then! I started watching the Invert Bend and Balance Symposium videos from 15 November, where many of the speakers basically echoed whatever the judges advised me. They shared that the key to a successful pole performance was not a bunch of powerful tricks but instead making the audience root for your character. And that if you have a prop, you need to be interacting with it for most of the time that the prop is on stage. Otherwise, the audience will be distracted by wondering what's gonna happen with the prop. I learned so much from the symposium, and I'm glad I took time out to watch the videos.

I was sad, though. I really liked this one Kira Noire archback-slide-to-shoulderpike move that I put in the piece, and I was loath to remove it. But ohwell, we want to win this competition, do we not? Take it out and put it in another future choreo lor. 

So yeah, scrapped maybe 30-40 seconds of the piece and replaced it with me rolling to the front and glaring (jeling, in Malay) at the audience, strangling myself with the scarf, standing up sexily, whipping the imaginary lover with my scarf, etc. I did think it looked waaay better after the changes, and I submitted it to the judges in early December during the feedback clinic. They also thought it looked better, and started giving me technical notes this time. So yay I guess!

Since then, I haven't practised the routine as much as I'd like to - only five pole pracs (2-3 full runs per prac) based on my calendar. It's partly because I'm starting to get tired of the song, I'm afraid I will lose the emotional engagement if I overpractise, and all the practising is starting to feel artificial without an audience. I find that for class choreos, even though I have it down pat for in-class performances, the moment I get to showtime, I forget some shit or end up doing other nonsense moves. So.. haha I'm so scared I will do it for this!

Also the scariest part I think is the "standing up sexily" part. Ya I can stand up fine in a static practice, but in the momentum of the choreo, sometimes I lose my balance. And if I lose my balance, I lose my face. I haven't fallen down yet but oh my God is it my biggest fear for this piece. 

I made a list of the elements which I might screw up and ended up with ten things! Ten! And me with no more private studio pracs until the competition!

Okay so. Whatever. I will try not to overthink this. If you're catching the competition, I hope you enjoy the performance and know that I tried my best to stay calm for you, the audience. Lol.

BGT Prep Part 2

 

I'm back! Feeling slightly better after my midweek angst. I did cry last night at It's A Wonderful World, but who wouldn't, eh?

I took the above photo last night. It's the hardest trick from my BGT piece, and it's clearly inspired from Ceci's Old School choreos. I went through dozens of entry and exit attempts before I found one that (mostly) worked. I also added leg circles before the exit at Ishie's suggestion, which is another risky move because if I don't engage my core enough, I'll fall out of it. 

I took the above photo because I wanted to prove to myself after the last post that I can still take great pictures. To remind myself that we have our off days, but most of the time, we can still excel in things we are good at. And to appreciate those moments when we have them. 

Let's now talk about a happier sub-topic of this BGT experience - the choreo creation! I usually pick the song before I start choreographing, and I did the same here. I made a shortlist of the songs I wanted to use, and their corresponding themes:

• Apa Sia by Fariz Jabba - cool hip-hop exo 
• Your Heart Is As Black As Night by Melody Gardot - sexy sensual showgirly 
• Oh Na Na by Masia One - flirty hip-hop exo
• Spider-Man: Into the Spiderverse soundtrack (What's Up Danger or Scared of the Dark) - fierce/emo hip-hop exo
• Why I Still Love You by Missy Elliott - groovy exo
• Almost Paradise by Mike Reno - barefoot contemp

I actually really wanted to try Almost Paradise because it would be fun and challenging to try to emote everything into a Vanda-like contemp choreo with cool shapes. But I eventually plumped for Melody Gardot, because (a) I've been wanting to do a broody injured-Catwoman music video to it for like a year; (b) the costume would be the easiest to identify with - I was thinking Miss Fisher fan dance meets Jessica Rabbit; and (c) the song duration was like 10-20 seconds above the 2.5 minute requirement, and those extra seconds could be cut easily without losing the song's feeling. 

So then I had to work on the actual moves. First I had to decide what cool tricks I would put into it. Inverts and handstands are out, since I can't do those during peacetime, let alone in the middle of a full choreo. But I can do shoulder stands and some pirouettes! Those are considered technically difficult, right? So in went the Ceci shoulder stand split. Also it had been more than six months since my last shoulder stand split, so I had to teach myself to do it again. It was painful, especially for my obliques and butt, and I still get bruises on my supporting shoulder now, but beauty is pain. Then there was one sax-y music interlude that I had to insert the Daphne Lux 16 Shots twisty-grip "step back many times" move into - it's my favourite part of the piece. Then I just filled in the rest by freestyling and seeing what worked. 

I did most of this first part with my home pole, in socks because I couldn't be bothered removing the foam mat from the dance area. The first time I brought it to the studio, I nearly died because a lot of the socks move did not translate to heels, at my prevailing level of flexibility! So I had to revise some moves in the studio. From then on, aside from the shoulder stand combo, I just choreoed in the studio, because I didn't want to lose precious time from this whole socks-heels ability gap. 

But I totally appreciate my home pole for giving me the extra time and space I needed to create the choreo early! I am blessed.

Okay the tone of this post is much happier than the last one, so I'm glad I managed to fight my destructive thoughts. More on the choreo process in the next post!

BGT Prep

I've been on the verge of tears for the past couple of weeks, which is depressing to admit, considering my birthday was yesterday, and you're supposed to be happy on your birthday (!). 

I can't pinpoint why exactly I feel this way. There's some loneliness because I've literally been alone for most of this past week, there's some disappointment because I was hoping to have moved into my new home for my birthday - my ID promised, back in March! - but I suspect it's the whirlwind of emotions surrounding my recent decision to join Breathe's Got Talent. 

Yeah, it started out normally, with the usual pit of nervousness gathering in my stomach every time I thought of the competition, and the restless energy involved in my choreography process, etc. But with the competition less than a month away, I'm feeling feelings that I'm sure are unhealthy.

We had an informal photoshoot the other day to take the promo pics that the studio would post on Instagram. I didn't feel nervous at all, because aren't I used to photoshoots? Don't people always comment on what a natural I am at posing for the camera? I let myself feel buoyed by those past positive comments, and assumed I'd do just fine this round. But then the studio texted me that evening to say, Hey, the photos on your Instagram have much nicer lines, would you wanna use those instead? And I felt really disappointed and betrayed by myself. How could I have failed something as simple as a photoshoot? How could a random photo taken with a self-timer in Pearl's Hill Studio be nicer than a photo taken by someone else? Am I really as capable as I think I am? 

But I mean, it could just have been my off day, right? People are allowed to have those. So I just buried those feelings as best as I could, and moved on with life. 

Then this week, the studio started posting the series of promo photos, and everyone so far - three ladies - look fucking phenomenal, and all the photos are taken in the studio, so won't I be the only dumbass whose promo photo is taken in a totally different pole studio? And why do they all look so good, while my shots didn't pass muster? I'm never gonna get enough likes on my photo to prop up my scores. 

I'm so angry with my body for betraying me on photoshoot day, and so sad that I didn't get a chance to make it right, and now I don't even want to see my promo photo if and when it's ever posted. Why didn't the studio offer me another chance to shoot again? Why do I care about this so much?!

Well, who joins a competition not wanting to win? Of course I want to win. I know I'm not the strongest and trickiest pole dancer there is, but I am a good performer. I like engaging the audience while I dance. And just like the photoshoots thing, multiple people have told me that they enjoy watching me perform; they enjoy the expression I put into the dance, and I suppose it helps that I can usually remember the choreography, so I'm not distracting the audience or myself by watching for cues from another dancer. So.. these comments also made me think that I might be in with a fighting chance! 

I love dancing so much. Like, I just do. And it's a bit like that time in kindergarten when we did some "mama hen and her chicks" dance - I was jealous of my friend Norlian, who got to be the mama hen in a shiny satin costume, while I was just another chick in a generic chick costume. I want to be the star! I want to capture the audience's attention! I want them to leave the venue with lingering thoughts of how amazing and captivating I was on stage! 

Is that the same as winning the competition? I know sometimes it's not. During TBB's Amateur Night competition, Lily won the competition, but I still think about Rachie's Pink Panther performance the most. 

I keep having to stop typing because I need to cry. I wish I wasn't such a crybaby. 

I struggled with wanting to join this competition, because I hate rejection, and not winning will just equal a rejection to me. But I joined anyway, so it's too late to shy away from imminent rejection now. I just.. don't see a chance at winning this thing. And I will take it personally because it's just who I am, plus I haven't competed enough to develop a healthy lack of attachment to the piece. This piece is a woman flirting with a potential lover, teasing them, smacking them playfully, but really wanting them to want her. Putting a bold face on it all, but inside she's insecure and just wanting approval. I too want the audience's approval. So I guess.. this piece is me. 

And now I have to stop crying and tahan two more weeks and just go out and try to entertain the crowd. 

This post is so self-pitying, but I want to publish anyway, because after 7 January, I might forget all these emotions, and I might make the mistake of joining another competition. 

Don't be skeevy

I'm back after, wow, five years of silence. I've really missed writing, and I guess I neglected it in favour of posting dance videos on Instagram? IDK.

So we're in the middle of COVID-19 years now, which gloriously means we get to work from home (WFH) and attend courses from home too! I attended a CSC course in early Feb this year, to fulfil a requirement of my learning plan on policy-making or whatever. It was a mornings-only course, over three days, and conducted on Zoom with the request to turn on our video so that the lecturer could assess the class engagement better. 

The course was fine - lecturer clearly knows what he's talking about, and I thought the hands-on activities did aid my understanding. He also seems to love talking, and he likes to ask us questions when he thinks we're too quiet. He'd call on people at times, as well. If we had our own questions, we could ask them orally or in the chat. All good, all fine, I could deal with that.

Anyway, on the last day of the course, I was just minding my own business and listening to the content, when I saw a chat pop up, saying something like "You look familiar, are you my neighbour? Blk [redacted] [in neighbouring town]." I was shocked. I thought that the sender had put this in the full chat, but when I calmed down slightly, I realised that he'd messaged me privately. On Zoom. A fellow course attendee, from a different agency, messaged me privately on Zoom. 

Okay, no biggie, it's fine. It's an innocent question. Just because I don't know what any of my neighbours look like, aside from the families living next door and across from us, doesn't mean that other people are as unfriendly and unobservant as I am. So I replied him: "Haha no, I'm in [my town]." 

And he replied something like, "Oh, wonder why you look familiar."

I don't fucking know, get off my back. I ignored him after that, but it crossed my mind that he might have seen my pole content on IG? Oh well, whatever, he's not the boss of me. 

So that was that.

But it wasn't! A couple of days ago, an unknown account messaged me on IG, saying I looked familiar. This private account had 1 post, was following 80ish others, and had 80ish followers itself. It wasn't actually following me, though. From the profile pic, it looked vaguely like this CSC course guy, so I replied, "Haha are you the [agency he's from] guy?" And yes, yes he was. 

At first he was just asking normal innocuous things like am I still working from home, etc. He mentioned that my IG posts were cool. Then he went ahead to say "if you don't mind we can continue talking on WhatsApp" and gave me his number. 

And it just really bothered me. 

A while later, I replied, "Oh but you know I'm married, right?" 

And he said, "Oh I'm married too. It's only if you don't mind talking on WhatsApp," or something to that effect.

I'm still disturbed, actually. Why does it bother me? After all, my IG is essentially a pole dancing account, so I get creeps and randos following me etc. Let me try to puzzle out why, or if I'm just being a prude. (Which is quite ironic, considering the type of person I was 10 years ago.)

I don't like "work people" on my socials
When I was working with some regular volunteers, one of them sent me a Facebook friend request. I ignored it. He's a really nice guy who's always polite and respectful, and very generous with his knowledge. But I just didn't want to interact with him on a personal level. Same goes for most of my colleagues, unless we're already friends. 

I don't want to be friends with men
Not sure if this has anything to with being married, but I have heterosexual male friends from before I got married, and we don't even chat unless there's something to chat about! Okay, actually I don't have many such friends hahaha. There's Zul and Mizi who were Cutes' friends first. I interact with Zul on IG over his adorable kid, and Cutes and I hang out with Mizi sometimes. There's Suff, whose rising writing career I support sometimes. 
Chatting with strangers is so tiring to me. I can't think of why I would chat with anyone, male or female, on the regular, unless we already have something in common. My school friends, my pole friends, my Zumba friends, some friends I met through a crisis work project, etc. These friendships were formed organically after we participated in activities together and found common interests. That's what holds us together, right? I mean, we talk about other topics too, like families and stuff, and we find out things that are different from each other, but then we laugh about those differences, and we bond together even more. 
I'm not the most popular person in the world, but I don't feel the need for more friends. My life is full and busy with work, endless classes, and time with Cutes. Even if I did want extra friends, I would make them at the ballet or pole studio. I'm not about to seek someone out from a work-related event and start getting to know them. Please, Cutes and I didn't even stay in touch with the people from our Spanish class!
I guess this turned into I don't want to be forced to be friends. This isn't kindergarten anymore, I can choose who I wish to be friends with. 

I think I'm disturbed because this incident implies that this married men in particular is just going around trying to make friends with random women he encounters in his daily life. Just.. giving out his number and wanting to get to know women through texting. Or, ugh, possibly calling. (I hate calling people. It's been this way ever since I was in primary school, when my friends would write their numbers in my autograph books and I would do.. absolutely nothing with that information.) It's skeevy, isn't it skeevy? I would not be happy with my husband if he was doing that. I hope he's not doing that. 

Isn't it so achingly painful and awkward to do that dance of "what's your age? what are your hobbies? favourite food? favourite music?" (By the way, most of these questions can be answered by scrolling through my public IG feed.) What is the intended payoff of that? We can visit each others' houses for Raya? Our kids can have playdates? We can go have lunch and talk about.. What? What do we have in common?!

I don't think I'm isteri mithali or anything, but I don't want to chat with any man on the regular, unless it's my husband. He's the only man I find interesting right now. Except for, y'know, dashing celebrities like Jason Momoa and Sonny Bill Williams. So don't try making friends with me. We hit it off at our shared activity, or we don't, and that's the end of it. 

Staycay Skincare

Cutes and I went for a staycay last weekend, just for one night. He reminded me to pack light because I always overpack and get grumpy when I have to lug my heavy bag around. So I stared at my arsenal of skincare and debated what to bring for over a week.

I took along:

• Eye and lip makeup remover: Biore Cleansing Oil Cotton Facial Sheets
• First cleanser: Etude House Real Art Moisture Cleansing Oil (foil sample)
• Second cleanser: Belif Creamy Cleansing Foam (30ml mini)
• Hydrating toner: Kikumasamune High Moist Lotion (in Daiso travel bottle)
• Moisturiser: Muji Sensitive Moisturising Milk High Moisture (50ml)
• Lip occlusive: Vaseline Lip Therapy Crème Brulee

I thought everything worked great, but I just wanted to highlight the major dud here, which was the EH Cleansing Oil. I got this in the AB meetup swap last month, and I thought it would be a great alternative to try, since DHC Deep Cleansing Oil is sooo mahal. Also, I didn’t feel like carrying around the full-sized DHC one for a one-night getaway, so the fact that this came in a foil packet was quite appealing to me. I was shocked by the strong unpleasant, fake citrus smell. It also didn’t feel as thick and luxurious and slippery on my face as the DHC. So, even though I had like 2 more uses left of the oil, I left it in the hotel room because I am never using that again. The smell was such an insult to my senses, and it also lingered sadistically for the next couple hours or so. I just read Fiddy Snails’ blog post on this, and she hates it too, for similar reasons and more.

I also wanted to comment that the Biore sheets are pretty handy for eye makeup removal. I always do a pre-cleanse of my eye and lip makeup with the bi-phase makeup remover from L’oreal or Maybelline, but I didn’t wanna bring a bottle of that along, so the Biore sheets are nice and portable and do the job just as well. Of course, the Biore sheets are pricier per use than the makeup remover, so I’d use the sheets for short periods of travel, and the makeup remover for home.

Overall, I’m quite pleased with the small volume of supplies I brought along for the staycay, and my skin seemed happy enough, even in the really hot weather outside and the really dry weather inside. I think I could build on this minimal travel routine for next month’s two-week trip to Perth. I figure I’ll skip the hyaluronic acid (because low humidity), buy a more airtight travel bottle for my Kiku decant, and bring lots of gels and creams and stuff.

October 2017 Empties

I had a really impressive amount of empties in October, so I split them up into three categories so I won't feel too overwhelmed. I'm trying to do this whole buy new only when you empty the current one, so it's important that I don't buy any duds.

From left: The Ordinary "Buffet", Olay Regenerist Micro Sculpting Cream Moisturiser, Bioderma Sebium Micellar Water, Phasilab Ice Cream, Murad Acne Body Wash, Belif Aqua Bomb, Clinique All About Eyes Rich, Mizon All In One Snail Repair Cream, white soft paraffin, DHC Suncut Q10 Ex Gel

Love = would totally repurchase 

Murad Acne Body Wash 
I got this when Gothamista recommended it for, well, body acne, duh. It’s expensive, as all Murad products are, at $80ish for 250ml of product. However, I only use it on my back, chest and butt, so I managed to make it last from March, which is an impressive 7 months. I think that’s a nice comfortable stretch, no? Also, it really does work. I used to get painful cystic acne on my back and other smaller pimples on my chest, and they went away after a week of using this on alternate days. I bought this one at the Sephora 20% off sale earlier this year, and I just repurchased its replacement during last month’s Sephora 20% off sale. If I do happen to use it up more quickly, it goes for about $5-$10 cheaper on Lazada, so there’s that.

DHC Suncut Q10 Ex Gel 
This was the first new sunscreen I bought after I got into skincare this year. Prior to that, I’d been using the SK-II one, which I wrote about in my September Empties post. At first, I was slightly unhappy with this sunscreen, because I thought it left my skin feeling a little greasy, so I went and bought lots of Biore mattifying sunscreens after that. But then, my skin decided to turn from oily to dry, and now I love this sunscreen for its moisturising properties. It also spreads well, which is more than I can say for the SK-II version. It doesn’t leave a white cast, and I noticed that this is a physical sunscreen (can’t pick out the chemical ones from the ingredient list), so that’s amazing. I just repurchased one last Friday, because I can’t bear to use my mattifying sunscreens on my dry cheeks.

Belif The True Cream – Aqua Bomb (Deluxe Sample) 
I already finished a full size of this in September. It’s still a great light moisturiser. The only problem is that it’s Belif, so it’s like $1/ml, which – whutt. Since my skin transformed from oily to dry about six months ago, I mostly used this in the day, or just on my forehead and neck. I’ve totally run out of the Aqua Bomb now, but I’m testing the new Water Bomb in its place. So far, the Water Bomb is more, well, watery, but it doesn’t seem to absorb into my skin as quickly. It’s also cheaper, because it’s $58 for 75ml. Once I decide which I prefer, I’ll repurchase that.

Bioderma Sebium Purifying Cleansing Micelle Solution (Micellar Water) 
I bought this after watching Stephanie Nicole’s skincare video around April this year. It’s amazing how this feels gentle on the skin, but somehow manages to remove heavy foundation and eye makeup (well, maybe not Heroine Make mascara, but whatevs). However, I think it’s pretty pricey compared to other brands’ versions. Also, I now prefer oil cleansing over micellar water for my first cleanse, so I was just using this for cleaning my neck at night, HAHA. Anyway, I have like 40% of a large bottle of Garnier micellar water to use up, so I’ll repurchase this once I’m completely out, then. I heard the Hydrabio and Sensibio ones are good too, so I might try one of those instead.

White soft paraffin 
I got this from my doctor when I went in for my extremely dry and chapped lips. It really helped ease the pain and it’s a good occlusive layer that doesn’t murder my lips like lanolin does. I have no idea where to get a replacement – I’m sure there’s a markup if I repurchase this at the clinic – but in the meantime, I’m using a Vaseline Lip Therapy over my existing Vichy Aqualia Thermal lip balm, which does the job.


Meh = won’t repurchase, but I’d use it again if someone gifted it to me 

The Ordinary “Buffet” 
This was in my Twelve Pans of Christmas for r/MakeupRehab, so I was pleased to finish it. I didn’t really see any effects with this serum, and it also smarted slightly if my skin was especially sensitive that day. I do like the texture, though, because it’s a viscous clear liquid that is slightly sticky when I finish patting it in. I know, I’m crazy for enjoying sticky toners and serums, but I just feel that they are more substantial than watery toners, and they give my face a nice chok chok effect. I’m currently testing Mizon Snail Recovery Gel Cream in place of this.

Phasilab Ice Cream 
I’ve been using this for the last, oh I dunno, five years? Ever since I started getting Brazilian waxes at Strip, basically. I do like the slightly runny, creamy texture, and the cooling sensation it leaves. It definitely soothes my skin down under, and also the more public parts of my skin like the inside of my elbows, whenever I get a heat rash or whatever. However, I’ve realised that over $50 for 50ml of product is too expensive. The product doesn’t keep well for longer than 6 months, especially in my non-air-conditioned room, and I don’t use it up that quickly. So I’m just gonna skip this. I’ve replaced it with Kiku and there hasn’t been any adverse effects so far.

Clinique All About Eyes Rich 
I got this in the Rich version because I felt that my eyes were dry and crepey whenever I put on undereye concealer (NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer). It hasn’t shown any actual effects, and I still have milia, and it looks like I have even more milia now, so… Not repurchasing, and I’m idly shopping around for a new eye cream that is not grossly overpriced. At the moment I just use my Belif Water Bomb and I don’t bother with concealer anymore, so it’s great.


Nope = won’t repurchase, won’t use it on my face even if you paid me 

Olay Regenerist Micro-Sculpting Cream Moisturiser 
I wrote about this in my last Empties post, because I’d bought two of these on Stephanie Nicole’s recc. I managed to finish this by using it on my chest and butt. It works well there, but I’m not spending $30 for 50ml of chest-and-butt moisturiser.

Mizon Multi Function Formula All In One Snail Repair Cream 
I expected to love this, but I was wrong. It was actually rave reviews for the Snail Recovery Gel Cream that I’d been reading, not this one. It looked creamy, but was very watery, and it absorbed quickly with no trace, i.e. my skin was just as dry once I’d put it on. Also it would smart slightly if my skin was sensitive so it was altogether an unpleasant experience. I finished this on my body, too.


Aaand that's it for October! I'm proud of myself for managing to use up these things, even the less pleasant ones. I can't wait to get rid of more of the stuff I currently dislike, so I can try to find new ones that I'll love.

FOTW: Pinky and purple

Last week, I got some extra makeup time because I decided to skip foundation. So on Friday, I decided to go with light eyes and dark red lips.

I used Autobalm again - pink on the lid, brown on the crease, black on the lower lashline. With the extra time, I used the Fenty Beauty Eyeliner in Later, Crater. I really like the effect of it, and it looks so normal and natural when you don't rub it to show off the glitter, so I'm really loving it. Except for the irritating wonky brush. On my lips I used NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream in Madrid, which I'd just bought last Thursday. When I swatched it, I thought it was dark red, but when I put it on my lips, I realised it was more pink than I thought. It's kind of like a darker KVD Bachelorette. Anyway, I found that Madrid is kind of less-opaque than I'd expected, so I have to keep reapplying it every time I eat or drink, so that's leceh, but I guess I don't mind for the comfort. 

On Saturday, it was really hot, and I was sleepy-ish, so I continued with the no-foundation routine. I used Nubian II's Jezebel on the lid because I was counting on its staining effect to counter the high amount of sweating I expected to do. And I put Leyla in the outer corner, to continue the whole purple thing, and sort of blended out the two shades with my Benefit blusher (whatever it's called). I know, such crappy blending, I'm sorry, I was in a rush. I smudged Leyla along my lower lashline, which actually looked pretty good, I thought. On the lips I had Dose of Colors in Berry Me, but then I made the mistake of putting NYX Intense Butter Gloss in Black Cherry Tart over it. I thought it would look fine just in the middle, but it was way too dark, so it didn't really harmonise and I had to slather it all over my lips. I ended up with full-on popsicle lips, sigh. Also I felt like glowing that day, so I used my Becca Shimmering Skin Perfector (the liquid one) in Opal on my cheeks and temple. I then took a really rushed photo, so here you are:

Yeah, the overall look ended up way darker than I'd originally aimed for, but it actually stayed on all night, and it looked pretty good once I'd stopped sweating. Also Cutes said I looked nice, so yay!

Face of Diwali

I haven't been posting in a couple of weeks because I've been too busy, tired or lazy. So today I'll be posting my Diwali look, yay!

It was just Madagascar and Kenya in the crease, with Yaa all over the lid. I really owe everything to my NYX Glitter Primer; I feel like I've been more using my shimmer and glitter shadows more frequently since I got the glitter glue, so yay! I also used my Avon eyeliner in my lower waterline, and smoked it out with the liner shade from my theBalm Autobalm. The smoky lashline thing was inspired by Kaushal, whom I adore. Then I used the highlight shade from the Autobalm on my brow bone. I skipped foundation and used my Laneige BB cushion instead, because my breakouts are really kurang ajar right now. And I ended it with NYX SMLC in Berlin. I really want to get more shades of this - maybe I should throw out some of my underperforming lipsticks so I can make room for more NYX lip stuff.

Anyway, I had an amazing weekend. Cutes and I ended up spending five consecutive days together, which was nice. Halloween Horrors Nights 7 was fun, because we didn't have to queue for ages for the haunted houses, and it was fun to watch people's reactions. Then on Saturday we went for Diwali drinks, and we watched a bit of this crazy Romeo & Juliet movie with Deepika Padukone in it. I thought the movie was crazy because the guys in the movie were wearing odd peasant/gypsy-type tops, while the girls were wearing normal Indian tops. Also, they were kissing mouth-to-mouth, which I thought wasn't allowed?

And yesterday was Mizi's comp, where he placed fifth. Yesterday was great because I met Cutes for breakfast first, and then later we took the train back together. I also attended a Reddit meetup at Bugis, so that was a new, scary, and ultimately rewarding experience.

Here's to more!

Sephora Private Sale Haul

I don't have a FOTW this week, but I've been using the Through the Looking Glass palette again this week, and it's been fun to know I'm actively trying to pan stuff. I think I'm happy to change my focus this coming week though - let's do the Juvia's Place Nubian II palette this week. Yay!

So anyway, Sephora finally had their private sale from 6 Oct to 8 Oct. It's definitely a couple of weeks later than last year's one, and Hanom says it was to throw us off. But I thought it over, and maybe they were waiting for more Fenty stock to get in before having the sale. The crowd around the Fenty display was constant, and I was happy to spot the Sephora staff restocking the foundations in the middle of the fray.

I was supposed to meet Hanom and sister/cousins on Friday after work so we could shop together. But I was so kiasu and nervous that they would sell out of the Becca Light Chaser in the shade I wanted, that I just went in anyway when I got to Ion at about 5.50pm.

Thankfully, this time they did not try to control the crowd entering the store. Of course, they did crowd control for the cashier, but at the time I was there, I was done by 6.30pm. :D

Clockwise from left: Zoeva Luxe Sheer Cheek brush, Murad Acne Body Wash, Too Faced Hangover Primer, Becca Light Chaser Highlighter, Laura Mercier Caviar Stick, Marc Jacobs Daisy Rollerball

1. Becca Light Chaser Highlighter for Face & Eye in Topaz Flashes Gilt (6.5g, UP $54)

I've been wanting this for about two months. At first, I wanted the Champagne Dream Flashes Bellini shade, but I went swatching with Cutes sometime last month, and he picked this colour instead. I protested that it was too green, but he blended it out on my cheekbone and I decided I liked the look after all. This was definitely on my list walking into the sale.

2. Laura Mercier Caviar Stick Eye Colour in Cobblestone (1.64g, UP $49)

This was the second thing on my Wants list after the Light Chaser. I've been wanting to try a cream eyeshadow, maybe for quick eye looks when I'm in a hurry or wanna appear effortless, LOL. I did try the Covergirl Smoky Shadowblast years ago after watching ANTM, but they creased like crazy on me. This time, I wanted to try something premium and see whether it makes any difference. Also, I chose not to get a shimmer colour, because shimmers always crease on me.

So far, I've used this twice - yesterday at the beach, and today on a quick run out to Tampines. Not gonna lie, it definitely creases in my, er, crease, but it stays put on the rest of my eye, and is really quick and easy to put on, so I'm still happy with it. I also like the colour because it really looks like my eyelids but better. :D

3. Zoeva 127 Luxe Sheer Cheek / Blush & Contour Brush (UP $25)

My Manicare blush brush has been dying for ages - it's no longer fluffy, it's really scratchy and clumpy, especially after I wash it. I can finally throw it out now I have a proper blush brush, yay!

Now, most of the Zoeva line is actually on Sephora mobile, instead of in the physical stores, but I don't like waiting for stuff, so I wandered the Sephora Pro section for options first. Unfortunately, the Sephora Pro brushes are twice the price of the Zoeva ones, and I just can't get with that. So I went back to the Zoeva display and grabbed this one. I wanted a highlight brush too, but they'd sold out of that, so it's back to my fingers for now.

4. Murad Acne Body Wash (250ml, UP $79)

I bought this in the Sephora sale in the first half of this year, on Gothamista's recommendation. It amazingly worked on my back and chest blemishes, but then I decided it was too expensive for daily use, so I just use it on alternate days now. I still have about 5% of the previous one left, but I thought hey, why not just get a backup now because I'll definitely need it, and I don't have alternatives.

Well, actually it's $69 on Lazada, but as I said, instant gratification, and of course, at 20% off, it was cheaper during the sale.

5. NYX Soft Matte Lip Cream in Berlin (8ml, UP $14) [Whoops, not in picture!]

I love my other NYX lip products, and the SMLCs have gotten good reviews all round from my friends (well, just Baba, but good enough) and on Reddit as well, so I thought I'd try one out. I've recently come to the conclusion that liquid lipsticks generally don't work for me. I do have the two nude favourites from J*, and I love my Dose of Colors, of course, but with my lips being all sensitive and dry these few months, it just makes more sense to stick to glosses, cremes, and traditional bullets. So let's see how this formula works for me!

Also please remind me not to try out any more new liquid lipsticks. Thanks.

6. Daisy Marc Jacobs Eau de Toilette Rollerball (10ml, UP $35)

I feel like I've been getting smellier lately. Like, my perfumes and deodorant just don't seem to last all day anymore, so I've been looking into some kind of portable deodorant/smelly-no-more product that I could use for post-zumba or particularly sweaty days. Please don't recommend me those gross Victoria's Secret sprays because the smell annoys the shit outta me.

Anyway, Baba kirimed a Sephora rollerball, so while I was hunting for that, I thought, hey, why not a rollerball for myself too, right? And I decided to try this one because the smell doesn't annoy me. Also I've been getting into flowery scents lately.

I used this yesterday at the beach, and unfortunately, it doesn't radiate the smell out, unlike my favourite Dior Addict, but it'll do for now.

7. Too Faced Hangover Replenishing Face Primer (20ml, UP $22)

I grabbed this at the impulse fixture area because I've been wanting to try a hydrating primer since I heard dry-skin people raving about this on YouTube and Reddit. Actually, I thought this was sold out, because that's what it said when I checked the Sephora app on Wednesday, so I didn't even bother looking for it at the Too Faced display. So I was happy to see a couple displays of this at the impulse buy section. I know it's kinda pricey, but it's better than getting a full size, so we can see whether this one works or not.

So, all in all, I think it was a good haul. I didn't buy anything I didn't need, or that wasn't on my list, except for the NYX SMLC, but I forgive myself, because I do have a lipstick obsession. :P

Now I can finally put away this stuff and start using them. Yay! Till next time!

September 2017 Empties

I managed to empty out five skincare items last month! Yay me! Here's a rundown of what I used up, in descending order of like:

1. Hada Labo Hyaluronic Acid Lotion Moist, 170ml
I finally finished one bottle of the Hada Labo since I bought it about 4 months ago! Isn't that amazing? I've been using it for everything, and in 3 - 5 layers each time. Yet, it somehow managed to last me all that time. I'm quite impressed.

Besides the longevity of this product, I also love how it doesn't irritate my skin at all. I've used just the Hada Labo on nights when I'm too tired and annoyed at my skin for being extra itchy that day. The next day, my skin would be happy again. It's a cheap miracle worker, and I love it.


2. Simple Kind to Skin Refreshing Facial Wash, 150ml
I've been using this for about three years. I love a gel facial wash, and it always feels fresh and gentle and doesn't leave my skin tight. I haven't bought a replacement yet, though, because I'm trying to finish up a Belif facial wash deluxe sample (which I love also, but of course, $$$).


3. SK-II WS Dermdefinition UV Lotion, 30g
This has been my daily staple for the past four years, since the time I suddenly decided that I needed to protect my face from constant exposure to the sun while riding. I asked Sharmely for a recommendation, and she recommended this! I bought it, no questions asked. It's a cool $80 or something, which, like whuuut? I definitely wanted to smack myself when I realised this year that Biore Watery Essence is a thing.

I will have to say that this sunscreen is pretty good. There's no white cast and I've definitely not gotten any PIH in all the time I've been using it. I also think it helped protect my skin from the road pollution. However, due to the thick creamy texture and the high price point, I used minuscule amounts instead of a quarter-teaspoon or whatever the standard is. So I have a small collection of like five other sunscreens now, and I finally finished this one. Yay!


4. Belif the True Cream - Aqua Bomb, 50ml
I enjoyed using this as a daytime moisturiser. I also used it at night on just my neck (while the rest of my face gets the Moisturizing Bomb), which reacts badly to heavy creams. I have not bought a backup because I have a 10ml sample of it which I bought in a sample kit, and am slowly using up now. Also, Belif released a third True Cream - the Water Bomb - about a month ago. I got a foil sample of it and I didn't react badly to it, so I really want to try the full size and see if it works any better than Aqua Bomb. Based on the foil sample, Water Bomb did not cool down my skin unlike it claims to, but I think I'd like to confirm it with a full size.


5. Belif Hungarian Water Essence - Moisture Binder, 75ml
This ended up being really meh for me. I know it's purportedly one of their bestsellers, but I didn't see it binding moisture like it's supposed to do. The only good thing about it is that it smells great, like all the other Belif products. I'm happy to finally have used it up, and I will not be repurchasing.

Clockwise from left: Hada Labo, Belif Aqua Bomb, Simple Refreshing Facial Wash, Belif Hungarian Water Essence, SK-II UV Lotion

Back next time with more empties, I hope! See ya!

FOTW: More Alice Through the Looking Glass

Like I said in my last post, I wanted to shop my stash and get more use out of the Urban Decay: Alice Through the Looking Glass palette.

I think I did pretty well, using up the shades I hardly use from the palette.

On Friday, I did a simple dark smokey look. I just put some Chessboard up in my crease/transition, with some Chronosphere on the outer 2/3 of my lid, and Mirror on the inner third of my lid.

My lips were J* Pumpkin Pie, which I thought I should be wearing more often, especially since it's "fall" now. I added a little clear gloss on top because I'm bored with matte lips these days. Anyway, it held up pretty well for a night out with Hanom after, so yay!

On Saturday, I had a bit of a bad makeup day. I think it was combination of bad makeup choices and uncooperative weather.

Before:

I thought I did pretty well on the eyes, I actually tried to carve out my eyebrows with my NARS Radiant Creamy Concealer for the first time. I thought it would look crazy and cakey, but it actually looks pretty okay, right?

Anyway, on the eyes, I used a combination of Reflection, Chessboard and TheBalm's brown crease shade from the California Driving Licence on my crease/transition. I brought Chessboard down to my outer corner, and then I went in with the NYX Glitter Primer ($10, just got it on Friday!) on the rest of my lid. I patted Lily and Duchess on my lid. First I used a brush, but it didn't look hebat, so I just used my finger instead, and that went a lot better. I will say that the NYX kinda made my eyes sting and water a little bit. But it was fine after, so what the hell. Also, I decided to emphasise my eye shape by extending my inner corner with Lily. On my lower lashline is Lily on the inside, and Gone Mad on the outside.

Then I put KVD Bachelorette on my lips, just because I realised it's been a while since I've worn it, but I hated the overall look! So I rubbed it off and put on J* Leo, which definitely looked more cohesive and daytime to me. (And fall. Heh #fallvibes.)

Then, I realised that my foundation was breaking up around my nose and looking really cakey on my chin. I'd used a 50:50 mixture of KVD Lock-It and L'oreal 24HR Matte, and I knew it was the KVD doing it, so I painstakingly removed the lower half of my foundation with Garnier Micellar Water. Then I had to go in with my skincare all over again, wait for it to sink in, put on sunscreen, wait for that to sink it, before I could buff the L'oreal in again. I also changed my blusher from The Body Shop bronzer to TheBalm blush shade.

I'm pretty pleased with the finished look! I think that I should stay away from the KVD foundation, as much as I'm trying to pan it. Or maybe just use the tinest amount in combination with my other foundations.

We had a lovely time watching the matinee of West Side Story at MBS, followed by lunch at The Bird.

I was testing how the Glitter Primer helped my shimmer shadows not-crease, and I was quite surprised that it worked pretty well in preventing crazy creasing within the first four hours. By the time I got home, there was just minimal creasing, so I'm happy and can't wait to use it again. Also, I did not touch up my lipstick and I cannot believe it still looked good and not flaky or crumbly, even after my fried chicken and biscuits lunch.

So yay! I think I will continue with Alice for the rest of this week, because it's been doing well this past week. Catch you next time!