Chemo Cycle Entah

Sometimes the pain is so intense that I can't see past it, then the next moment it subsides and I scold myself for being so lembek. Or the fatigue kicks in and it's a battle to keep my eyes open, even if I'm watching something engaging with the mintiest mints in my mouth. 

That's been what it's like since last Saturday (Day 4 of chemo cycle), and I'm just starting to feel normal today. I've had to beg off from work but then 15 minutes later feel quite normal and capable. Slept all day Sunday and still didn't feel rested. 

/endofwhine

Chemo Cycle Entah

Last Wednesday was another chemo day. These days I still have chemo every three weeks, but I only see my oncologist every six weeks. So last week I did see her, and after complaining of my continued vomiting experience, she decided to decrease my dose from 100% to 80%.

Spoiler alert: The side effects remain unchanged from previous cycles soooo yea.

The dazzle has pretty much worn off my chemo days. I used to come in, guns blazing, ready to journal or read a book or blog, hit up a cafe, all the productive things. But now I'm just tired. I spent my Wednesday primarily staring into space. Reach Level 10, wait for blood test while staring into space. Get blood drawn. Sit for 10 minutes scrolling on Reddit while pressing on the blood draw site. Go for second breakfast, stare at junglefowl and a squirrel. Wait for oncologist, stare into space. See oncologist. Go for lunch, finish lunch, stare into space. Get back to Level 10, stare into space at rooftop garden while waiting for chemo suite to call me up.

It's fine. I like introspection and my mind never runs out of things to throw at me. This week we also hit a high score on the number of Interesting People.

1. Mother-Son Duellers

A 70-ish auntie with her 50-ish son. They had almost the same treatment path as me so I encountered them at blood test and the oncologist clinic. Nasib baik they weren't at my chemo suite. She was muttering a lot at first, seemingly to herself, then the son came along to speak loudly to her about how they should move on. But she hadn't taken her blood test yet. 

At the clinic, the two got louder. The son kept yelling, "You are suaku mother ah! You Malaysia mother!"

Auntie: "I not suaku! You are going to kill me."

Son: "I not gonna kill you la that's a crime."

It was quite horrifying and sad and I can only imagine this is a fraction of their home life. The clinic was full and everyone was turning to stare but security didn't really seem to step in? It's really scary because I don't know how we will continue to deal with this in our ageing population.

But also, what kind of insult is "Malaysia mother"?!

2. Persistent Paul

This 50-ish uncle was already at the rooftop garden when I arrived. It's an open garden so you can hear the busy road sounds and stuff. Tell me why this uncle still felt the need to have his phone convo on speaker?!

He was on the line with a call agent (Claudia) trying to get an old issue resolved. Apparently the previous two agents had promised to get back to him, but didn't. So Claudia was placating him, then she got her supervisor on the line. 

Supervisor: "Yes so Claudia has been helping you.."

Uncle Paul to supervisor: "Ya but what if Claudia gets into an accident? Who will follow up?"

Relax ah uncle, no need to jump to extremes.

3. Young Dude

I was just chilling in my chemo chair when I noticed this tall cool guy walk past me to the restroom. The nurse scurried after him and told him not to bring the chemo tag with him and my brain broke because he was so young and fit-looking. (And tall.) (And handsome. With the mask on, anyway.)

When he came back and recited his IC number, I realised he's five years younger than me! Strapping mid-30s dude undergoing chemo beside me. 

I hope he gets through it. Not that old or ugly or unfit people shouldn't survive la. Just commenting on a rare cute guy at NCCS.

4. First-Timer

My chemo chair was facing an adorable uncle who seemed to be alone and undergoing the long Paclitaxel chemo regimen. He was super chill, didn't say a peep, declined the Milo and biscuits. I watched him get his Benadryl and waited for him to fall asleep but he didn't?! Hi, are old people resistant to the soporific effects of Benadryl or what? Please link me to studies.

Anyway here's how cute I looked on chemo day. Even though I trooped up and down the lifts 6-8 times, it was always full so I couldn't get a good lift selfie.

En Pointe

I'm talking about going en pointe because it has been one of my most desired goals. Ever. 

According to my emails, I started ballet in 2018 (same year as pole? Hmm I thought I started ballet earlier but ok whatevs.) at The Ballet Academy in Thomson. This was in the heyday of ClassPass where everything was cheap and it was easy to pause your plan. Yes, I travelled from office to Thomson and then home to Pasir Ris to get to these ballet classes. It was really fun although my jumps sucked, even then. 

Then I went to BalletBody through ClassPass, including some classes at the Sonata temporary studio with its springy floor! I liked BalletBody enough to directly purchase their packages, and went for back-to-back ballet and stretch classes. I met Charmaine and Liangying and Amantha, and I told Charm I wanted to work towards going en pointe. She told me to do my releves and stuff, but we were both too busy to really pursue the goal. I was still deep into pole, after all. Charm left BB and I used that as an excuse to drop ballet and spend all my free time on pole.

But I still loved watching Liangying's IG stories, and over the years, more ballet studios started popping up on my IG. Not just that, many of them were offering adult beginner pointe classes! I was really itchy to get back into it.

So I told myself before last year's Exo Gen Mexico that when I got back from the comp, I would ease off the pole activities and really commit my time to ballet. Why did I choose Assemblé, when Ballet Quarter is one MRT stop away? Well IDK but Assemblé just seemed to exude the nice approachable vibes I wanted. (And indeed it met my expectations!)

I decided to start from the Absolute Beginner Ballet course because (a) I was too shy to DM the studio and ask whether I could start from Improver and (b) nothing wrong with relearning the basics, especially after spending years away from ballet. No ragrets - I met many lovely people in the course, and some of them are still doing open classes now!

After the 10-week ABB course, most of us went on to the 10-week Improver Ballet course, then continued in the open Foundation Tech classes. Totally struggled in open class at first, but I think I'm catching up better now! Then at the beginning of this year, the 10-week Pre-Pointe course opened and I immediately signed up! 

For Pre-Pointe, Jovin taught a newish set of exercises every two weeks and you're supposed to do them as homework an additional 2-3 times a week. I did diligently do my homework. For the first four weeks or so, and then I gave up, sorry! Life just got in the way. Or my laziness prevailed. I was really hopeful about passing the assessment in the last two weeks of term, but at the same time to protect myself from disappointment, I told myself that it prolly wouldn't be that easy to pass since I couldn't even meet the passing requirements of 3 out of the 5 assessment exercises.

But anyway! I passed, yay! Of course, I need to still work on every single one of those assessment exercises but it was still exciting! To have the opportunity to go en pointe! "Go", not "dance", because I'm sure I'm months away from that. 

I nearly died of heat at the pointe shoe fitting at Sonata because the spotlights are mercilessly trained on you. Then I died of shock as I went en pointe for the first time and was like, why is all this pressure on my big toes? Not sure why I envisioned a memory foam moulded to your toes inside the toe box. Nope. It's just an empty papier mache box. That's it. Anyway you just keep trying on shoes to see how they feel and look (fitter exclaimed, "You have such a nice arch!" Thank You Allah.) but in the end you have to choose the one that feels the least uncomfortable. It's hard because how do first-timers know the acceptable level of discomfort?

The first day of class, I was excited but also scared I would just wipe out and expose my lack of readiness. (Can you "wipe out" in ballet?) And putting on the shoes - you thought putting on pole shoes is leceh? Pointe shoes are way more leceh, especially if you have split nails which snag painfully on the satin and shoe trims as you try to put the damn shoes on. Nevertheless, I pleasantly surprised myself by being able to get over my box quite consistently. Relevés are fucking hard though, unless you're the kind of person who's always been able to do a proper non-hopping relevé even in flat shoes. At the end of class, I didn't even take a vanity pic because my toes were aching too much. Just ripped off the shoes. 

Instead, I went to the pole studio and took some nonsense pics!

This was the first photo I took, which ended up being the best as I managed to balance for 1 second wowz Ain

The second class felt less painful on the feet. We repeated the same exercises from Week 1 and added a relevé drill (benci but necessary). I cannot wait for the next class which is tomorrow. I'm so looking forward to the day I can finally dance in these shoes. I will bring them to all the dance studios muahahaha y'all can't stop me!!

Cellulite-y but pointed AF

The Actual Chemo Content

Chemo was at 4.30pm today but I had to do my blood test at 1.30pm. There were two loudly-disgruntled uncles complaining about the long wait time. Indeed, I had to wait until 5.15pm before the nurse came to set up the station. They seem understaffed in the chemo suites today. Also they closed my favourite Level 10 garden for maintenance or cleaning or whatever, booooo. I had to wait inside with all the plebs. 

By the time chemo ended, it was 6.30pm. The pharmacy had closed so I couldn't collect my refill of diarrhoea meds. Besnye. "Luckily" I'll be back on Tuesday for a scan so I'll try then. Wish me luck with the next few days of sleeping upright (to keep the bloating at bay) and limb numbness (still going for class IDC)!

Having my favourite coffee milkshake at one of my favourite between-appointment places! It's so unbusy now, hope they stay open!

Me and my Claire's accessories and Frozen specs

Not really a cancer post

Wow, has it really been nearly two months since my last post? 

I've been fine but just lazy to blog and journal. I can't say I've been busy either, because there has been a lot of lazing around in the living room, watching TV or doomscrolling my beloved Reddit.

One day in the office I was wearing what I feel is one of my best outfits to date - an old Tujoh Kuntom white kebaya top with Oh Dayang kerongsang with a pistachio green Uniqlo linen midi skirt. I was so proud of it because I hadn't worn the top in years, so it gave me sustainable shop-my-stash feels. (Even though I'm not sustainable, clothes-wise, at all.) And it was comfy!

Anyway, my boomer boss said it was a nice outfit then commented that more people should try to wear eye-catching clothes so that bosses can remember them, or something along those bodoh lines. 

Boomer boss says lots of silly things, but that comment stuck with me a bit because I don't dress to catch people's attention or make them remember me! Maybe yes, in 2008 I did, working in Starbucks tryna look sexy in my white shirt (top 3 buttons unbuttoned) over a vermillion bra. Those were the days, eh? When we thought we were the shit, we were invincible, we were always right and no one could tell us any different. 

But now, I do actually dress for myself. It's very very fun for me to wear bright colours, because when I glance down at my bright green shirt or swish along the corridor in my bellbottom jeans, it feels good to have those pieces sitting on my body. Seeing beautiful prints and rainbow colours makes me happy. It would be great if more people wore them so I can be surrounded by gorgeousity, but they don't, so I just wear them myself lor. Especially at the office - I don't even want to be there in the first place, so I put extra effort into wearing colourful yet smart casual-ish 'fits to help encourage my sleepy self to get to work. 

So yes, maybe I'm known at the office for always wearing the eye-catching 'fits (and hair), but it's not to make bosses remember me plz. I malas k.

Gawd, I just love clothes so much. It brings me such joy when my outfit works. In uni, I used to plan my outfits in writing for a week. Earrings included. I did it during the chem lectures. These days I just mentally plan them - I plan way ahead for special events like dinners or shows, and for office days I just pull stuff out the night before. 

Unfortunately, this clothes passion for me leads to a lot of laundry work and an overflowing wardrobe. Plus a significant amount of handwashing. It's a necessary annoyance. 

Anyway, I've just completed Cycle 6 of this Enhertu chemo. Both cycles involved vomiting, and this latest cycle had me vomiting at Day 14 after eating a bite of tandoori chicken. I really think my body cannot stand strong Indian spices anymore because I was gagging when Cutes bought home naan and curries. And an awful mutton chop from Yaseem Nasi Kandar. (It was huge chunks of meat instead of nice thin pieces, and everything was swimming in sauce, sauce tasted wrong, and there was no tomato or peas! GTFO with that, Yaseem.) I'm missing Beach Road mutton chop, though. Maybe I'll try and see if the aversion applies to that mutton chop. 

I've tried Granisetron and Ondansetron for the puking but nothing has really helped.

Also I'm having annoying indigestion for the entire cycle now. So every meal I eat, no matter how small, leads to abdominal discomfort from the maximum gassiness, and I only feel better after I manage a painful burp or two. Eating isn't as enjoyable anymore. (But that doesn't mean I've stopped eating. The number of times I've been to Konditori this month - LOL.)

I wore my kimono pants to today's chemo and one patient stopped in her tracks to compliment the pants while my oncologist raved, "You always wear such bold stuff. But bold in a pleasing way, not jarring." Wow thanks guys!

Baseline level of pain and discomfort

Thank you to the coupla sweet friends who check this blog regularly and then checked up on me after not seeing any update since December!

I'll preface this by saying I'm fine. In fact, I had the most productive day of this chemo cycle yesterday! I did a load of laundry, cooked Thai green curry chicken, and went for ballet class, in addition to doing a bunch of work. Of course, I had to fight the internal "Do I really have to go to class? Maybe I can skip it, I can afford it" monologue and I came home aching to high heaven. But dance, for me, is always worth it. And I got to hear Raquel say, "Good timing, Norain" during the tricky plié combination, which I kind of live for.

Actual infusion

I had my fourth round of Enhertu infusion on New Year's Eve. Yes, what a fun way to end the year! As NCCS was on half day for NYE, I had to also appear on 30 Dec for my blood test. (It's cool because I took the afternoon off and went to Muse after the blood draw.) So on NYE itself, I saw the oncologist to complain about my soft nails (they now split really easily, even with a bump against anything solid, and snag on most fabrics and continue to split), then hung around for my chemo sesh. The "rooftop" garden is a really nice place to chill because it's quiet and shaded with a nice water feature. Watch out for the handwave-activated doors though, because they open quite violently.

Anyway, I was called up around 1pm and done by 2pm because Enhertu infusion is just that fast. Then I took the bus home and cooked karuvattu kulambu (dried fish curry) for the first time ever, and we rang in the new year at the 9th floor carpark rooftop!

Chemo 'fit

Pain and suffering

I knew that days 4 - 10 of the cycle would be the worst, with the nausea, acid reflux, bloating, and actual puking. But it didn't help me enjoy the week more or anything. I ate seulas durian (a piece of durian), then started eating chicken rice and started puking halfway, so that was fun. I just oozed through the days as best as I could, counting down to the end of week 2.

But then.

Week 3 was spent with jaw pain, bloating, stomach pain that doesn't go away with massage or medicine, and a very odd ache that I can only describe as a muscle tear feeling which attacks every time pressure is applied to any part of my body. On this last issue, it hurts my head to even pull on a t-shirt, as the collar part grazes my head. There are no cuts or bruises though so it's super mysterious. 

I did go to the polyclinic to complain about the first three issues after a week of suffering, by the way. The doctor diagnosed it as "maybe you grind your teeth while sleeping, I'll give you ibuprofen" and "gastritis, I'll give you omeprazole for that". She did read through my NCCS notes - that's why I went the poly route instead of a private GP - and initially remarked, "Oh, bloating, but you normally get that right?"

Ya-huh but this bloating is different and that's why I dragged myself down hellloooo.

Anyway I feel it was a wasted trip health-wise because the meds did nothing. Maybe these are just new Enhertu symptoms and I have to operate on this baseline level of pain and discomfort. 

But it wasn't a total loss because I popped over to Cata Coffee and The Egyptian Baker after that and got some coffee and yummy bakes! That's one great selling point of Eunos Polyclinic, that it's so near these great places.

Schedule

My oncologist recommended 4 - 6 Enhertu cycles before we do a CT scan, so I asked for the scan to be done before number 5. It's scheduled for the end of this month because they couldn't get an earlier date, so I get an extra two weeks off before my next infusion! I'm so thankful because maybe my body will feel better within these bonus two weeks. Even though I'm still dealing with the jaw pain, stomach pain, and muscle tear sensations.

I can still dance, though. The pain is not intense enough to distract me when I'm dancing. But the moment I'm in the bus home, it's back to haunt me. Always thankful to be able to dance (and get compliments on my musicality!).

Office 'fit today