More Toddler Fashion

Yesterday (19 August 2026) was Cycle 12 of Enhertu. Cycle 11 was a four-week cycle instead of three because I skipped the would-be sesh last Wednesday so I could be in top form for the Assemblé Anniversary Showcase on the Saturday.

But my body decided to restart the three-week cycle anyway by having my head hair shed madly since last Thursday. It's still shedding Huskily now, fun. Showers are taking twice as long again. But I refuse to buzz it off this time because I have a hair dye appointment next month - I need to have some hair to dye!

I also had horrible body aches from head to toe. We're talking migraines, kneecaps feeling like they're 'boutta pop off every time I bend my leg, and feet that wouldn't quit aching no matter how much I lacrosse-balled them. This also hit me from Thursday and it just started getting better today.

Fever, sore throat, and extreme fatigue hit me this Tuesday. Erm but I still headed to work in the morning because I didn't want to miss a puff embroidery workshop I'd successfully balloted for! I was legit dozing off in the bus with my mouth open (thank God for mask) from the moment I boarded until I dragged myself off. 

My finger joints protested every needle jab through the fabric. I succumbed to using pliers like the old lady I apparently am. I think I did good work though. I didn't grab a pic cos erm, sick. I'll take one next week. Anyway, thankful for an understanding boss and team because I took the rest of the afternoon off to sleep and they didn't bother me!

Fever was gone on Wednesday morning so I went to the cancer centre (by bus, no longer dozing off) hopeful they'd let me do my chemo. And they did!

I took my lunch break at Elijah Pies where I had the clam chowder pie, iced yuzu drink, and the warm apple pie. Ughhh I love pies and I would bake them myself but I'm also a lazy bitch. 

I'm a pie-y girl

The chemo itself went great - needle poking was smooth, I didn't have a fever or any infection showing on the blood test, and my blood pressure was 128/88 which is better than the 150/IDK I presented at the previous cycle's infusion. It went so smoothly that I forgot to ask for my one day hospitalisation leave. But it's cool, I called the hotline later and got my MC after some light nagging from the nurse.

I was done around 420pm so I rewarded myself (I'm always rewarding myself - is two pies not reward enough?) with a Gold Class Express ticket to the 605pm Spider-Man screening! I don't even follow this Tom Holland franchise but it had great reviews and I have this recent popcorn addiction which I love to feed. GV's popcorn has always been top 5 for me - I remember buying just the large popcorn at 15 with my bestie Baba and sitting at the GV Bishan lobby savouring it slowly. Now I can finish the same size in the duration of this Spider-Man movie. Mm-hmm.

This popcorn was really really happy to be crunched by me

The movie was indeed excellent. I gasped and cried and yelped and laughed. Loved the little throwbacks to past Spidey and Marvel and whatever movies. The chemistry between the kids made me cry. And I was sitting in a solo seat so I didn't have to feel judged or anything! So good, 10 out of 10 would do it again. I'm thinking of doing The Odyssey in two weeks, we'll see. It's cool to be productive and go for pole prac but when you've just gotten over a fever and sore throat, why not treat your creaky knees to a Gold Class recliner moment?

Chemo 'Fit is another toddler one: Golden Girls tee and pleated Adidas skirt plus apple ring in lieu of earrings. Not in pic are my pastel aboriginal tube socks and white sneakers. My hair needs help, can't wait to see Eugenie next month.

This is how a normal skirt looks on me. I would get dress-coded (booked) all the time in secondary school. I ended up having bloody detention, just because my butt is bigger than the standard! Anyway, reclaiming the short skirt/skorts now with no fear of being booked. 

Why does "Open" level need inverts?

It's 3am and I'm suddenly feeling so passionate about this topic that I want to draft the thing now. (Edit: Just posted at lunchtime!)

My first pole photoshoot! In my baby 6 inches. Photographer: Millie Robson

Open choreo classes need inverts 

Around my 5th year of pole, pole friends (some instructors, some indie seasoned strong-ass dancers) asked me if I ever wanted to compete (like at Exotic Generation and stuff). 

Me: "Oh but my inverts suck and I can't do a handstand."

Them: "You don't need to invert or handstand at all to do a nice routine!"

Okay great, you don't need to be able to do any inversion to be a good pole choreo competitor apparently. 

So then why do some studios require you to have a good invert - or worse (for me) - solid aerial inverts/one-handed pole handstands, in order to attend an "open"/lowest level non-formulaic choreo class? 

"Open" means "mixed levels" to me, which implies that someone with wonky inverts and a year of regular pole classes should be able to join and do the things too.

Inverts alone are so hard, and aerial inverts even harder. Even when I was less fat and poling multiple times a week, it took me a year between invert to aerial invert. (Then I lost it again while still being that same size.)

Yes I know, I should train harder and eat less calories and get my inverts back and it's all my fault.

But also, no. I can dance and I can take dance instruction and I also choreograph so I know there are ways to modify the tricksy parts of a choreo to meet the dancer where they're at. (Provided they've actual done pole dancing classes before, of course.) Sure, it will kinda lose something with the modification but the dancey parts will still be vibey and everyone will have fun!

Can't level up without inverts

I'm ranting primarily regarding choreo classes but I also note that we also require students to get their inverts to progress to the next level, which is really limiting to lazy fatasses like me who also might have some missing mind-body connection in this area. 

When I'm on Reddit, so many commenters say, "You can descend into your jasmine. You don't need to invert! Your teacher should have taught you that!"

Well, no. My teacher did not want to teach me that until I could already invert. Then I was like, "Huh why didn't we learn this entry first?"

But also, my eyeballing sampling of pole studios' website shows that inverts are a common prerequisite to get to a certain pole level, so IDK where these Reddit commenters are from. I'd like to visit their studio.

My personal current physical limitations 

Being fatter again, dealing with joint and muscle aches that refuse to go away, not to mention random skin sensitivity, is not fun and I just want to do fun things i.e. dance and do the baby tricks I can manage.

So when people ask me, "You're not taking pole classes?"

I'm not taking term pole classes because open classes have prerequisites I can't currently meet. Pole (read: all) classes are expensive now so I'm trying to be more discerning about where I spend my money to achieve my goals of doing fun things (defined above) while balancing my chemo side effects schedule.

I am going for workshops, though. I read the class descriptions a million times and study the promo video before booking. So far, my choices have panned out great! There was some extreme DOMS from some workshops (ahem Gemi.Ai) and some elements I just couldn't execute but variations were given (Subby Souza) so I'm still a happy customer.

I'm also training my meagre repertoire of tricks at pole prac twice a month, and doing some of Marlo Fisken's Static Rotations recordings. So far, the first four videos have no compulsory inverts, wow!

My humble ask

If you haven't written me off as a grumpy lazy fatass poler (GLFP), my ask from this rant is if you are a teacher or studio owner, just take some time to consider the possibility of making "open" choreo classes more open by lowering the prereqs and offering progressions and regressions. 

For level classes, we could do conditional passes so the student can learn new things in the higher level while still working on that one skill that eludes them, and demonstrate it to the instructor in 3-6 months?

If you're already doing this, great! (And let me know who you are if you're not on my radar.) If you're not but after reconsidering, you still wanna keep the prereqs, that's cool too. Maybe someday my suggestion will make business sense. Then I and fellow GLFPs can join! 

Crying in the Bus

Yesterday the Department of Psychosocial Services at NCCS called me to share their offerings - ad-hoc workshops, support groups, financial counselling, psych counselling, et al. I already knew all these, actually, because their poster outreach is pretty good throughout the building. But I never felt I needed any of these. 

We're a year on from the diagnosis and I've been through around 11 months of chemotherapy and its fun side effects, so by now I'm pretty cool with my cancer at its current state. I don't need counselling because I'm no longer lamenting "Why me?" at regular intervals. I'm dealing with my cancer and it's become routine now. 

What I need counselling for is being the cowardly child of a dementia patient. I just can't deal with it. I thought dementia was your loved one forgetting who you are. Turns out it can also be them having delusions that make them angry/sad, and reporting them to you as you teeter helplessly between reassuring them and correcting them. Because they're talking shit about someone else you love!

So yeah I've been avoiding my mom. But I wrote the three opening paragraphs on the bus ride home from visiting her in the hospital. It was really depressing and I felt useless.

Chemo Tings

I had my 3-weekly NCCS day today. Full blood panel, see oncologist, chemo infusion. I managed to squeeze in 75 mins of pole prac after my 8.10am blood draw. I'm so proud of myself for trudging to Kampong Bahru and back on foot (based on bus timings, bus option wasn't viable)! I'd like to try again next cycle. 

NCCS apparently has a volunteer-run cafe at Level 16 which operates weekdays, 10am to 3.45pm. I wanna check it out next round too. 

NCCS days are now oddly more active than my office days, go figure! Well, no need to think so hard - the day is furthest from my last infusion so I generally feel my best and want to squeeze all the productive things in before I crash again. 

Dressed like a 5-year-old, as Cutes says. My new Popflex Pirouette Shorts, Uniqlo PPG tee, Uniqlo x Marimekko slip-ons! And my trusty cat tote to hold my pole stuff.

Side Effects News

I got a clear gel manicure two weeks ago and it's reduced the painful nail splits and snagging from multiple times daily to once a week! This is life-changing! Let's see how it holds up till the next appointment.

There was zero vomiting this week, yay! I took one metoclopramide every morning on Days 4-7 and it seemingly kept vom urges at bay. Amazing. Please continue to work.

Had mad joint pain in my hands and knees on Days 18-20 which coincided with some intense pole sessions with Subby Souza and also a weird nasal blockage infection thingy I suffered over from Friday evening to Monday. Self-medicating didn't work, so I went to the GP who gave me cetirizine after scolding me for not going straight to NCCS after recording a fever of > 37.5 earlier.

"But they told me only go A&E if it goes above 38. And there's no more fever now."

Hate this bawah block GP but I was desperate and needed the nearest medicine-giver. 

For the record, my bloodwork today came back great w.r.t. white blood cell count. So there, meanie GP.

Happy Ending

Bumped into a dear old friend today at the park connector in front of my balcony! I ended up giving her a summary of my day which was cathartic and her response was healing. So I'm less bawling-in-the-bus now and more quietly-guilty-gal.

TL;DR

Had a productive morning, recovered quickly enough from some nose infection to have a normal chemo infusion, less side effects last cycle, got depressed/distressed AF visiting my mum, did Bus Therapy, met old friend who lifted my spirits.

Vacay 'Fits: Ipoh

Nobody asked, but I love clothes and thinking about outfits so I'm writing this for myself and any misguided soul who sees me as a fashion inspo.

I own a lot of clothes. Capsule wardrobe? Unfathomable. Give me a ball pit, but with clothes instead of plastic balls. 

So anyway, every time I go on a trip, packing is the hardest part as I try to stuff eight separate outfits for a four-day trip. But it's also a fun challenge, and it's rewarding if I hit a high utilisation rate and enjoy my outfits. 

Utilisation rate = % clothes I actually wear ÷ clothes I pack

This Ipoh trip was my first trip since the pre-cancer one to Mexico/SF. (The one night in JB over Good Friday doesn't count - what's one night kan?) And I don't think I did so well for the Mexico/SF trip because I forgot to pack warmer clothes for SF. My jackets and sweaters are disappointed they missed the trip. 

Day 1: Flight to Ipoh 

These Lululemon pants are the best! Fully elasticised waistband, drawcord, non-jogger cuffs, and deep pockets. I own three of these, and wish I'd bought more because they are perfect travel pants. The material moves with you so you can fidget in your seat or do splits or whateva. The deep pockets house your phone and passport. And they look smartish because no jogger cuffs! I always wear them for travel and for site visit days at work. 

Bra tops are my next staple for travel because who wants wires poking into you at times of stress? (I hate the "travel" part of travel.) So I wore this Alo tube top. It's so cute. Again, wish I'd bought more colours but they were already OOS. Did you know that bra tops are charged as "bras" when you do hotel laundry? You can save RM3 per piece! 

And because Malaysia, I added this Hani Mokhta jacket thingy. The embroidery details on it are so cute and help add the element of pattern to the outfit. I wore these Nikes almost the whole trip - they're a good smartish pair of sneakers with a slight platform so I don't step directly into puddles.

Day 2: Search for Nasi Kandar

I paired my Lululemon Align dress with this striped oversized shirt ($32) from Honsie Ponsie. The shirt is so cute, right? Again, love the embroidery. They had a gingham one too but I decided to limit myself to one piece. The Align dress is great because the shorts part is only half-attached, so you can pee easily. And also slot your phone in the shorts pockets. Aaaand, built-in bra top wins the day once more! I would buy more of these dresses, but I don't actually like scoop necks and they don't make them in high necks.

Also, we didn't find any Nasi Kandar that day because Yong Suan coffeeshop was inexplicably closed on a Saturday. Sorry, Cutes. 

Day 3: Pasar Pagi 

I was warned it would be hot, so I wore this Lululemon Align high neck top with lightweight patterned Gorman pants. Lulu, please make more high neck things I'm begging you! 

Should have added a shirt because the sun was *burning*. I was left with some tanlines even though we cabut the market within 40 minutes. 

Wish I'd discovered Gorman earlier. The Aussie fashion subreddit says their quality was better years ago. But these pants are pretty good, with deep pockets for putting your phone. Functional pockets are so important. 

Anyway, this was the day Cutes finally managed to eat his nasi kandar while I sat and watched, then I had to poop from spicy food so we went to Four Beans. Thank you Malaysia for having bidets in your toilets. Four Beans is a really nice cafe with fun desserts, so double yay!

Day 4: Going to atas hotel

I wanted to look cool, so I picked this weakforbatik mega mendung top (one of my faves! But I have to wear a bra with it.) and my pistachio midi linen skirt from Uniqlo. I bought this skirt on a whim and it turned out to be one of my most versatile pieces because it goes with anything including kebayas and t-shirts! It's cooler than the satin version of it (which I also have, in dark blue).

This outfit ended up going on a 10-minute hike with me from The Banjaran to the Lost World of Tambun. (The hotel calls it a "jungle walk" or something but I call it a hike as it involves elevation.) Climbing little cliffs in a skirt was not on my bingo card this year. But I survived!

Swimwear

I hate the idea of buying things for trips, but I did it anyway - I bought two Seafolly one-piece swimsuits! I've been coveting Seafolly since secondary school, because we used to pass by their store at Wisma Atria. But the shop always looked intimidating, so we just ended up in Flash N Splash. Anyway. Now I'm an adult with disposable income in the digital age, so I can buy Seafolly online!

I've been feeling too fat for my existing swimmers, anyway. And I don't have any quality one-pieces, so it's a totally justified purchase! I got this classic-looking black boatneck piece (worn with Uniqlo skorts here) and this more fun, colourful one. Again, I've been gravitating towards high neck things over scoopy neck ones so the boatneck one is a great find! Fashion buyers, some of us don't like our boobs hanging out, but don't mind a low back.

Jeff's Cellar 

I had planned to wear a Ratianah kebaya for this atas dinner, but I couldn't get my intended outfit to match properly while packing. Kept pulling out alternatives, but nothing worked until I got frustrated and saw my green cheongsam peeking out from the top shelf of my cupboard. I'd shoved it there a couple years ago when I couldn't zip it up but was too sayang to give it away. I tried it on for kicks and yess it fit this time! I also brought along my looser cheongsam as a backup, but thankfully I didn't need it. Both are from Golden Scissor Cheongsam, but sadly the tailor retired last year so I need to find a new cheongsam supplier.

Yes, I did bring the blue beaded heels just for this outfit. Really happy with the sustainability of these wedding heels!

Flight home

I didn't get a good photo because Cutes kept rushing me to check out and head to the airport even though the airport is tiny, with three flights a day. Like, asal tiba-tiba kiasu ni? He's usually the one sauntering to check-in at Changi Airport one hour before the flight while I'd been anxiously waiting at the airport for three hours. 

His answer is that "we are new to the airport, we don't know how they work". How differently do tiny airports work around the world?

Okay whatevs. I wore another bra top! This great Lululemon scoop back cap sleeve thingy I randomly found online. I've been checking back on their website, hoping they've released this in other colours, but sadly no. And my Popflex bellbottom tights with good pockets! The problem with bell bottoms is that they kinda flap around soaking up rainwater, and making swishy cloth noises in dry weather. But I've decided I'm okay with that. 

Hats and Keens

I didn't really plan the hats with the outfits. I just grabbed a handful of hats and stuffed them into the suitcase. Quite happy with the selection I had. Also, I wore my Keens a bunch. I love them so much - they're comfy AF and the orange-and-blue combi makes me happy.

So yeah, I had 85% outfit utilisation this trip, which is pretty good. When I go to Australia, it dips to 50% because I buy *a lot* of clothes there. Miss you, Australia!

Chemo Cycle Entah

Sometimes the pain is so intense that I can't see past it, then the next moment it subsides and I scold myself for being so lembek. Or the fatigue kicks in and it's a battle to keep my eyes open, even if I'm watching something engaging with the mintiest mints in my mouth. 

That's been what it's like since last Saturday (Day 4 of chemo cycle), and I'm just starting to feel normal today. I've had to beg off from work but then 15 minutes later feel quite normal and capable. Slept all day Sunday and still didn't feel rested. 

/endofwhine

Chemo Cycle Entah

Last Wednesday was another chemo day. These days I still have chemo every three weeks, but I only see my oncologist every six weeks. So last week I did see her, and after complaining of my continued vomiting experience, she decided to decrease my dose from 100% to 80%.

Spoiler alert: The side effects remain unchanged from previous cycles soooo yea.

The dazzle has pretty much worn off my chemo days. I used to come in, guns blazing, ready to journal or read a book or blog, hit up a cafe, all the productive things. But now I'm just tired. I spent my Wednesday primarily staring into space. Reach Level 10, wait for blood test while staring into space. Get blood drawn. Sit for 10 minutes scrolling on Reddit while pressing on the blood draw site. Go for second breakfast, stare at junglefowl and a squirrel. Wait for oncologist, stare into space. See oncologist. Go for lunch, finish lunch, stare into space. Get back to Level 10, stare into space at rooftop garden while waiting for chemo suite to call me up.

It's fine. I like introspection and my mind never runs out of things to throw at me. This week we also hit a high score on the number of Interesting People.

1. Mother-Son Duellers

A 70-ish auntie with her 50-ish son. They had almost the same treatment path as me so I encountered them at blood test and the oncologist clinic. Nasib baik they weren't at my chemo suite. She was muttering a lot at first, seemingly to herself, then the son came along to speak loudly to her about how they should move on. But she hadn't taken her blood test yet. 

At the clinic, the two got louder. The son kept yelling, "You are suaku mother ah! You Malaysia mother!"

Auntie: "I not suaku! You are going to kill me."

Son: "I not gonna kill you la that's a crime."

It was quite horrifying and sad and I can only imagine this is a fraction of their home life. The clinic was full and everyone was turning to stare but security didn't really seem to step in? It's really scary because I don't know how we will continue to deal with this in our ageing population.

But also, what kind of insult is "Malaysia mother"?!

2. Persistent Paul

This 50-ish uncle was already at the rooftop garden when I arrived. It's an open garden so you can hear the busy road sounds and stuff. Tell me why this uncle still felt the need to have his phone convo on speaker?!

He was on the line with a call agent (Claudia) trying to get an old issue resolved. Apparently the previous two agents had promised to get back to him, but didn't. So Claudia was placating him, then she got her supervisor on the line. 

Supervisor: "Yes so Claudia has been helping you.."

Uncle Paul to supervisor: "Ya but what if Claudia gets into an accident? Who will follow up?"

Relax ah uncle, no need to jump to extremes.

3. Young Dude

I was just chilling in my chemo chair when I noticed this tall cool guy walk past me to the restroom. The nurse scurried after him and told him not to bring the chemo tag with him and my brain broke because he was so young and fit-looking. (And tall.) (And handsome. With the mask on, anyway.)

When he came back and recited his IC number, I realised he's five years younger than me! Strapping mid-30s dude undergoing chemo beside me. 

I hope he gets through it. Not that old or ugly or unfit people shouldn't survive la. Just commenting on a rare cute guy at NCCS.

4. First-Timer

My chemo chair was facing an adorable uncle who seemed to be alone and undergoing the long Paclitaxel chemo regimen. He was super chill, didn't say a peep, declined the Milo and biscuits. I watched him get his Benadryl and waited for him to fall asleep but he didn't?! Hi, are old people resistant to the soporific effects of Benadryl or what? Please link me to studies.

Anyway here's how cute I looked on chemo day. Even though I trooped up and down the lifts 6-8 times, it was always full so I couldn't get a good lift selfie.

En Pointe

I'm talking about going en pointe because it has been one of my most desired goals. Ever. 

According to my emails, I started ballet in 2018 (same year as pole? Hmm I thought I started ballet earlier but ok whatevs.) at The Ballet Academy in Thomson. This was in the heyday of ClassPass where everything was cheap and it was easy to pause your plan. Yes, I travelled from office to Thomson and then home to Pasir Ris to get to these ballet classes. It was really fun although my jumps sucked, even then. 

Then I went to BalletBody through ClassPass, including some classes at the Sonata temporary studio with its springy floor! I liked BalletBody enough to directly purchase their packages, and went for back-to-back ballet and stretch classes. I met Charmaine and Liangying and Amantha, and I told Charm I wanted to work towards going en pointe. She told me to do my releves and stuff, but we were both too busy to really pursue the goal. I was still deep into pole, after all. Charm left BB and I used that as an excuse to drop ballet and spend all my free time on pole.

But I still loved watching Liangying's IG stories, and over the years, more ballet studios started popping up on my IG. Not just that, many of them were offering adult beginner pointe classes! I was really itchy to get back into it.

So I told myself before last year's Exo Gen Mexico that when I got back from the comp, I would ease off the pole activities and really commit my time to ballet. Why did I choose Assemblé, when Ballet Quarter is one MRT stop away? Well IDK but Assemblé just seemed to exude the nice approachable vibes I wanted. (And indeed it met my expectations!)

I decided to start from the Absolute Beginner Ballet course because (a) I was too shy to DM the studio and ask whether I could start from Improver and (b) nothing wrong with relearning the basics, especially after spending years away from ballet. No ragrets - I met many lovely people in the course, and some of them are still doing open classes now!

After the 10-week ABB course, most of us went on to the 10-week Improver Ballet course, then continued in the open Foundation Tech classes. Totally struggled in open class at first, but I think I'm catching up better now! Then at the beginning of this year, the 10-week Pre-Pointe course opened and I immediately signed up! 

For Pre-Pointe, Jovin taught a newish set of exercises every two weeks and you're supposed to do them as homework an additional 2-3 times a week. I did diligently do my homework. For the first four weeks or so, and then I gave up, sorry! Life just got in the way. Or my laziness prevailed. I was really hopeful about passing the assessment in the last two weeks of term, but at the same time to protect myself from disappointment, I told myself that it prolly wouldn't be that easy to pass since I couldn't even meet the passing requirements of 3 out of the 5 assessment exercises.

But anyway! I passed, yay! Of course, I need to still work on every single one of those assessment exercises but it was still exciting! To have the opportunity to go en pointe! "Go", not "dance", because I'm sure I'm months away from that. 

I nearly died of heat at the pointe shoe fitting at Sonata because the spotlights are mercilessly trained on you. Then I died of shock as I went en pointe for the first time and was like, why is all this pressure on my big toes? Not sure why I envisioned a memory foam moulded to your toes inside the toe box. Nope. It's just an empty papier mache box. That's it. Anyway you just keep trying on shoes to see how they feel and look (fitter exclaimed, "You have such a nice arch!" Thank You Allah.) but in the end you have to choose the one that feels the least uncomfortable. It's hard because how do first-timers know the acceptable level of discomfort?

The first day of class, I was excited but also scared I would just wipe out and expose my lack of readiness. (Can you "wipe out" in ballet?) And putting on the shoes - you thought putting on pole shoes is leceh? Pointe shoes are way more leceh, especially if you have split nails which snag painfully on the satin and shoe trims as you try to put the damn shoes on. Nevertheless, I pleasantly surprised myself by being able to get over my box quite consistently. Relevés are fucking hard though, unless you're the kind of person who's always been able to do a proper non-hopping relevé even in flat shoes. At the end of class, I didn't even take a vanity pic because my toes were aching too much. Just ripped off the shoes. 

Instead, I went to the pole studio and took some nonsense pics!

This was the first photo I took, which ended up being the best as I managed to balance for 1 second wowz Ain

The second class felt less painful on the feet. We repeated the same exercises from Week 1 and added a relevé drill (benci but necessary). I cannot wait for the next class which is tomorrow. I'm so looking forward to the day I can finally dance in these shoes. I will bring them to all the dance studios muahahaha y'all can't stop me!!

Cellulite-y but pointed AF

The Actual Chemo Content

Chemo was at 4.30pm today but I had to do my blood test at 1.30pm. There were two loudly-disgruntled uncles complaining about the long wait time. Indeed, I had to wait until 5.15pm before the nurse came to set up the station. They seem understaffed in the chemo suites today. Also they closed my favourite Level 10 garden for maintenance or cleaning or whatever, booooo. I had to wait inside with all the plebs. 

By the time chemo ended, it was 6.30pm. The pharmacy had closed so I couldn't collect my refill of diarrhoea meds. Besnye. "Luckily" I'll be back on Tuesday for a scan so I'll try then. Wish me luck with the next few days of sleeping upright (to keep the bloating at bay) and limb numbness (still going for class IDC)!

Having my favourite coffee milkshake at one of my favourite between-appointment places! It's so unbusy now, hope they stay open!

Me and my Claire's accessories and Frozen specs

Not really a cancer post

Wow, has it really been nearly two months since my last post? 

I've been fine but just lazy to blog and journal. I can't say I've been busy either, because there has been a lot of lazing around in the living room, watching TV or doomscrolling my beloved Reddit.

One day in the office I was wearing what I feel is one of my best outfits to date - an old Tujoh Kuntom white kebaya top with Oh Dayang kerongsang with a pistachio green Uniqlo linen midi skirt. I was so proud of it because I hadn't worn the top in years, so it gave me sustainable shop-my-stash feels. (Even though I'm not sustainable, clothes-wise, at all.) And it was comfy!

Anyway, my boomer boss said it was a nice outfit then commented that more people should try to wear eye-catching clothes so that bosses can remember them, or something along those bodoh lines. 

Boomer boss says lots of silly things, but that comment stuck with me a bit because I don't dress to catch people's attention or make them remember me! Maybe yes, in 2008 I did, working in Starbucks tryna look sexy in my white shirt (top 3 buttons unbuttoned) over a vermillion bra. Those were the days, eh? When we thought we were the shit, we were invincible, we were always right and no one could tell us any different. 

But now, I do actually dress for myself. It's very very fun for me to wear bright colours, because when I glance down at my bright green shirt or swish along the corridor in my bellbottom jeans, it feels good to have those pieces sitting on my body. Seeing beautiful prints and rainbow colours makes me happy. It would be great if more people wore them so I can be surrounded by gorgeousity, but they don't, so I just wear them myself lor. Especially at the office - I don't even want to be there in the first place, so I put extra effort into wearing colourful yet smart casual-ish 'fits to help encourage my sleepy self to get to work. 

So yes, maybe I'm known at the office for always wearing the eye-catching 'fits (and hair), but it's not to make bosses remember me plz. I malas k.

Gawd, I just love clothes so much. It brings me such joy when my outfit works. In uni, I used to plan my outfits in writing for a week. Earrings included. I did it during the chem lectures. These days I just mentally plan them - I plan way ahead for special events like dinners or shows, and for office days I just pull stuff out the night before. 

Unfortunately, this clothes passion for me leads to a lot of laundry work and an overflowing wardrobe. Plus a significant amount of handwashing. It's a necessary annoyance. 

Anyway, I've just completed Cycle 6 of this Enhertu chemo. Both cycles involved vomiting, and this latest cycle had me vomiting at Day 14 after eating a bite of tandoori chicken. I really think my body cannot stand strong Indian spices anymore because I was gagging when Cutes bought home naan and curries. And an awful mutton chop from Yaseem Nasi Kandar. (It was huge chunks of meat instead of nice thin pieces, and everything was swimming in sauce, sauce tasted wrong, and there was no tomato or peas! GTFO with that, Yaseem.) I'm missing Beach Road mutton chop, though. Maybe I'll try and see if the aversion applies to that mutton chop. 

I've tried Granisetron and Ondansetron for the puking but nothing has really helped.

Also I'm having annoying indigestion for the entire cycle now. So every meal I eat, no matter how small, leads to abdominal discomfort from the maximum gassiness, and I only feel better after I manage a painful burp or two. Eating isn't as enjoyable anymore. (But that doesn't mean I've stopped eating. The number of times I've been to Konditori this month - LOL.)

I wore my kimono pants to today's chemo and one patient stopped in her tracks to compliment the pants while my oncologist raved, "You always wear such bold stuff. But bold in a pleasing way, not jarring." Wow thanks guys!

Baseline level of pain and discomfort

Thank you to the coupla sweet friends who check this blog regularly and then checked up on me after not seeing any update since December!

I'll preface this by saying I'm fine. In fact, I had the most productive day of this chemo cycle yesterday! I did a load of laundry, cooked Thai green curry chicken, and went for ballet class, in addition to doing a bunch of work. Of course, I had to fight the internal "Do I really have to go to class? Maybe I can skip it, I can afford it" monologue and I came home aching to high heaven. But dance, for me, is always worth it. And I got to hear Raquel say, "Good timing, Norain" during the tricky plié combination, which I kind of live for.

Actual infusion

I had my fourth round of Enhertu infusion on New Year's Eve. Yes, what a fun way to end the year! As NCCS was on half day for NYE, I had to also appear on 30 Dec for my blood test. (It's cool because I took the afternoon off and went to Muse after the blood draw.) So on NYE itself, I saw the oncologist to complain about my soft nails (they now split really easily, even with a bump against anything solid, and snag on most fabrics and continue to split), then hung around for my chemo sesh. The "rooftop" garden is a really nice place to chill because it's quiet and shaded with a nice water feature. Watch out for the handwave-activated doors though, because they open quite violently.

Anyway, I was called up around 1pm and done by 2pm because Enhertu infusion is just that fast. Then I took the bus home and cooked karuvattu kulambu (dried fish curry) for the first time ever, and we rang in the new year at the 9th floor carpark rooftop!

Chemo 'fit

Pain and suffering

I knew that days 4 - 10 of the cycle would be the worst, with the nausea, acid reflux, bloating, and actual puking. But it didn't help me enjoy the week more or anything. I ate seulas durian (a piece of durian), then started eating chicken rice and started puking halfway, so that was fun. I just oozed through the days as best as I could, counting down to the end of week 2.

But then.

Week 3 was spent with jaw pain, bloating, stomach pain that doesn't go away with massage or medicine, and a very odd ache that I can only describe as a muscle tear feeling which attacks every time pressure is applied to any part of my body. On this last issue, it hurts my head to even pull on a t-shirt, as the collar part grazes my head. There are no cuts or bruises though so it's super mysterious. 

I did go to the polyclinic to complain about the first three issues after a week of suffering, by the way. The doctor diagnosed it as "maybe you grind your teeth while sleeping, I'll give you ibuprofen" and "gastritis, I'll give you omeprazole for that". She did read through my NCCS notes - that's why I went the poly route instead of a private GP - and initially remarked, "Oh, bloating, but you normally get that right?"

Ya-huh but this bloating is different and that's why I dragged myself down hellloooo.

Anyway I feel it was a wasted trip health-wise because the meds did nothing. Maybe these are just new Enhertu symptoms and I have to operate on this baseline level of pain and discomfort. 

But it wasn't a total loss because I popped over to Cata Coffee and The Egyptian Baker after that and got some coffee and yummy bakes! That's one great selling point of Eunos Polyclinic, that it's so near these great places.

Schedule

My oncologist recommended 4 - 6 Enhertu cycles before we do a CT scan, so I asked for the scan to be done before number 5. It's scheduled for the end of this month because they couldn't get an earlier date, so I get an extra two weeks off before my next infusion! I'm so thankful because maybe my body will feel better within these bonus two weeks. Even though I'm still dealing with the jaw pain, stomach pain, and muscle tear sensations.

I can still dance, though. The pain is not intense enough to distract me when I'm dancing. But the moment I'm in the bus home, it's back to haunt me. Always thankful to be able to dance (and get compliments on my musicality!).

Office 'fit today