yeah the great news is that i finally passed my pft!!! i'm so happy. thank you God, for your grace. i have a cool blow-by-blow account, but first..
i was talking on the fone with fana.. so i could just watch the ac ppl walking past without feeling stupid.. saw shamima.. and a sandwich of the cute ac vik-with-cool-cropped-at-the-sides-hair-and-adam-sportsbag, a lim and hichael, who looks as if he cut his hair. haiz. haiz. den my fren came ah.. and other normal ppl.. and sluardalam also.. then frappe came!!!!!! so i started singing to fana, "oh rahmat allah, kau telah tiba.." and stupid shit liddat. den of course i purposely sat kat depan [anyway itz easier for me and my big bag].. so like, my fren sat perpendicular to me and his fren sat beside me. and then fana, once again, asked who it was sitting next to me cos his voice was nice. haha. den frappe was like, listening to his earfones and he shared it with sluardalam.. they were like, kwite happy-looking, but im not sure why. wow. i mean like, frappe is just too good-looking to be walking around in public! anyway my fren sed hi to me, of cos.. and he, as well as other ppl around me, seemed amused by my half of the conversation. maybe i talk louder than others, but hey. do you know that you reveal your true self when you're talking on the fone to a fren? so yah. meet the real ain, everyone. den.. reached skl and i was still dying over frappe. i thot he was going to the canteen, so i was launching into this i-love-frappe-hez-so-hot expose... den i realised he was behind me! yikes. haha. we walked about 100m together. so farn! hehe. he was going to his locker, btw. 6th from the right, kat bawah. [hey syurga, stop signing in and out!]
oohyah and we took about a thousand pics of frappe cos he happened to be sitting at the bamboo garden in full view of the world.
anyway we were going for pe then mellie sed, "no pe today." so i was like, "are you lying cos i'm gonna punch u if you are." and she was like, "really.. pft retest will be rescheduled.." or smthg liddat. so i screamed. in happiness of cos. the entire gym looked at me. ha. so i got ready to go home, and i was all ready when i met ili who told me that retest was still happening. so i was like, waddeshit. and i diden wanna go, so i looked around for a second opinion. so i found denise and asked her, and she confirmed it. so i was just so pissed off ah. and i was seriously considering not going ah. but i thot, hey, i'm given a chance to pass before the hols, might as well give it a shot. so i got changed and went to specs gall. fortunately mun yuk and gill were just walking towards me so i diden haf to look stupid running around looking for them. we transited through the indoor gym to go for shuttle run. and i saw.... a few of our classmates.. sum random guys.. and LATTE!!! he was rite in the middle of the place, barefoot, tshirt out, hair unkempt, with his shoes sitting beside him. i diden know whether to smile or cry. i mean, i diden wanna embarrass myself infront of... a hot coffee. anyway. adamz class was playing bball on the same court as our shuttle run. i had fun watching him. my time improved too--11.9 instead of 12.0.. den.. situps were oklah. duh. i never had a problem with them, thankfully. and gillian passed. then it was sbj. and thatz when the guys came back in from their shuttle run. and i saw latte walking in holding his shoes. u mean he ran barefoot? he looked kwite alone for once. then i was really skared about having to pass sbj, with latte in the house! but i passed. thank you, God. and then while the rest were jumping, i watched latte do his situps. he was totally breaking the hands-in-contact-with-your-ears rule. summore hez so lanky and stuff rite.. so i was kwite amused ah. and i was just watching him do his situps, and smirking. cos i was really amused.. and glad to have him around. the boys finished first.. and so latte left.. i wonder about the whole barefoot thing, but to each his own. i passed the rest too.. so.. yah. the atmosphere was really different this time. it was quiet.. peaceful.. kinda carefree.. and i guess thatz why i generally performed betta.
ohyah forgot to mention, there was this weird moment where i was exiting the lt with sya and met my fren and his classmates who included toot classmate and alot of gerls. and my fren smiled at us ah, and i smiled back, and he was like, "this is the richest girl on earth." i was like, HUH? sorry, wrong number, i kinda didn't catch you there.

itz funny. when i see some things on tv, i feel like i can smell them. there was a clip of peach-coloured roses.. and i somehow imagined i could smell their sweet scent..
anyway.
the day was.. weird. it was ok with plenty of horrible bits. it left me numb eventually. i had an ok time, colouring my beautiful 2 pages of bubblegum kids during bio lec.. and cooling away in ts 5.. and doing sum of chem tutorial and maths tutorial at the bench depression.. and there was this weird peristiwa where mocha was like, walking across the lt and i was sitting down watching him and so i was like fainting.. skali i opened my eyes and saw latte, walking past me!!! aargh. i really embarrass myself sumtimes. yah den there were horrible parts.. like the hothothothotHOT day. and the absence of frappe cos of the common test. and stupid cup of coffee n his gf parading ard infront of me. and others. and there was this baaaad empty feeling in me. again. it felt so so so tragic. den yahlah. but i had a nice calming time at the airport. and maybe i'll go back sumtime.

took the bus today.. sat RITE behind frappe. i wanted to die. haha. he smells really good.. seriously! haha. he smells of sum nice soap or powder or smthg.. sighh.. den.. he really does look good ah.. he has a great profile, and nice hair, and stuff.
and i shd go, b4 i melt now..

I wish....
You happiness on a cloudy day.
Blue skies to chase your cares away.
A breath of fresh air when you are feeling down.
Anything to get rid of that frown.
A sprinkle of rain,
And a life free of pain.
I wish you warmth from the rays of the sun
And a lifetime of joy and fun.
Just keep your eyes to the sky.
And know I am always nearby. stolen from some forward

wat a shitty day. plus, i switched on my comp, i stress again, MY comp, only to discover that my sister totally changed it! i wanted to cry. no, really. i wanted to cry. wat a shit. my really nice rhd wallpaper was gone, and replaced instead by this stupid baby who has nothing to do with me or my comp at all. and there are these really irritating baby sounds being played when alerts pop up. fucking annoying sia. i did not come home to meet a strange baby-obsessed comp larh, please. gimme a break. no one modifies my brother's comp, which, i must state, makes much more noise than mine does, so don't come and modify MY computer! since itz mine and all.. itz not that hard to understand. i mean, my dad uses my comp too, but he doesn't violate my rights by changing the wallpaper and adding fucking irritating sounds. whatever man. and all the fonts and sum icons have changed. i want my carebears, if you don't mind. go and put your babies on your laptop larh. and stop bothering my comp. i feel violated. this is the last straw. next time, i complain. i've been shutting up all my life, so nowz the time to make some noise. people in bad moods are not to be trifled with. people in perpetually horrible moods should not even be looked at in the eye.
anyway, just wanted to add smthg. smthg less angry and angsty. was in ghim moh mac's and found a new person.. he cracks me up the way sluardalam does.. haha. will look out for him.

okay started the day out cool. eh wait, i'll tok abt yest first. hm. hmm. ohyah. we were at mac's during the break, and i saw this tudunged lady who reminded me of cikgu suryani, so i was like,"can that woman please leave? she looks like my pri skl teacher.." and later she saw me and she waved at me! so yeah, it was her after all. i was so shocked and surprised. ok ttz the same thing. i meant pleasantly surprised. anyway, then we were about to spend a couple of minutes more in mac's when frappe arrived!!!!!!!!!!! he ponned skl in the morning ah, so he was wearing pe tee and skl pants and his cute blue bag with the even cuter cd on it. hehe. den.. yah he was with my fren, cup of coffee and... pleh. yah. it was kwite cool. hez too perfect. he is, he is. hm. wat else. ohyah was waiting for the stupid buses to come and take us to police academy, but they were apparently gonna be late so we were free to take a cab. i mean, duh! itz our money wat. stupidity. den.. ili sya and i took cab ah. we saw adam and his frens trying to get cab also, and kak adila. we were the only ones, btw, who did that. yah. umm.. it was an extremely cool game. got a great view, a sore throat and a sore body at the end of the game. but it was soooooooo fun! final score, 13-11 to ac. but i state here and now tt we cld have won. we got more trials than them, ttz for sure. shafiq and asrie played of cos. asrie still looks like marie. den... ohyah ac number 11 is soopa cute. anyone has details on him, pls tell me. haha. oh apparently hichael got 6 points. aaaaaaaargh. y diden he go rj? we cld be going to SKL together!!!! -spitz- hm wat else. oohyah there were 2 cute guys. one has a cool unique face.. yayz! then... frappe arrived! and my fren came with his uncle/father/cousin/brother/friend. and he waved at me. oh, im SOOOOOOOOO surprised. frappe was standing RITE behind our bags. keeuuut! but dee2 doesn't think so. takpe the less fans the betta. aiyah i can't remember any more impt stuff abt yest.. so that'll be it.
den today was cool. i was running late ah, cos left the hse at 8.30. then i was in the train, and this familiar-looking guy went in at raffles place, so i was like,"hm, iz tt raihan?" but it cldn't be, cos i mean, he takes the train frm jurong east wat. so i was trying to bend over and get a good look at his face, but it only made me think that it really was him. anyway dun worry abt my eyes, in the end, it was him ah. yeah. den we went to delta hockey pitch.. and it was still the vj-ac game.. so yah. i saw hichael, and jane chan, and adam, and aidil, and syah and alotta other ppl. and lims! lotz and lotz! and there was this really cute njc vik i was looking at.. and later after prize presentation, he came back upstairs, and i saw his shoes, and they were MY shoes, and so i realised i found my RAHUL!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah! im soooooooooo happy!!!!! he has curly hair, medium height and iz in nj hockey. alrite. ohyah i screamed like siao again during the game.. it was fun, especially coupled with the fact tt we won! but frappe diden play. sluardalam diden either. but sleeping guy did, and i diden know he was so good ah! hez extremely good. yah. aj got a 2-0 lead really early in the game, and i was sooooooo skared we wld lose, but we racked up the goals slowly, one by one. pretty cool. latte is amazing. hez great. wonderful. haha. ermm.. ohyah saw my fren hugging thousands [i exaggerrate, pls remember..] of girls. whatever. seriously. wad a... womanizer. hm. yah then we left and dropped by at skl, then too 105 and 53 to airport. we passed police academy, and there was this cute vik police guy ah. and he was staring at us, and i was staring at him, and his nametag, trying to read it. itz acherli readable, except i was skared to look at it. i cld only get his middle name, which is hafiz. hehe. he has a frappe smile. the frappe half-smile. so it was kinda unnerving. but he's cute! the airport was cool. i made some progress. saw ali from bara. told fana he looks betta in real life, and she sed she doesn't care. i was laughing like siao. OHYAH sya like, msged latte and told him congrats or sum shit arh, and that he played super-well.. and he sed,"hey sha.. thanks a lot.. thanks for coming down.." and i went all crazy and started hugging her fone. haha. yah. hez sooooooo cute, even on sms! i wanted to die. anyway tt should be all. so.. bye! ohyah, the ac hokkers are really noisy and rowdy! sheesh. hichael's calm and mature face really belies that.
oh everyone read straits times sports section. denise is mentioned, and so is raihan. but they glorify acjc rugby, so pls disregard tt. we are the true champions.

okay firstly.. on today larh. had a horrible horrible horrible day! i wanted to cry by the end of it! i dunno why im such a shitass who kan't even clear 1.51m for standing broad jump.. itz like, 10cm less than my height! im such a loser lorh. now i haf to repeat every single thing. i must be sum kinda subconscious masochist. anyway, yeah so i was having a baaaaaaaaaad baaaaaaaaaaaaad day.. and i finally made up my mind to go to the airport and get a frappucino. i was having just as horrible a time in 105 and 53.. but at least i got to sleep and stuff. anyway, yah.. and itz still bus therapy wat, so i was just soaking it up as much as i could. then.. yah got to the airport and went to starbucks [i diden get lost!!! =D] and ordered a grande mocha coconut frappucino.. then while waiting i found a whole new set of pamphlets and i took one on starbucks frappucinos.. itz sooooooooooo cool! anyway, then she gave my my frappe.. and guess what? it was piled HIGH with whipped cream and BURSTING with coconut flakes. i was just dying of ecstasy.. itz damn nice of her larh.. cos the other time the person gave me normal amt of cream with minimal coconut flakes.. oh wow.. it just RAWKS! so by the time i went back to the bus terminal, i was happy and well-fed. yes, i sed happy. i couldn't believe it either. the wonders of coffee and airconditioned buses, huh? i can now face the world again.
okay i did a mini-outline for the rest of the blog so..
on abstinence.. i fasted on monday and tuesday last week, and this week also. kwite successful, in terms of puase itself. yah the days were bearable and generally diden miss a sembahyang. den.. last week i got alot of lifts frm my sis.. so managed to abstain from THAT ONE as well. haha. den.. i dunno somehow alot of things been happening these past two weeks.. lotsa skl activity.. so abstinence was kwite easy to follow up on.. but then anyway this week, i decided that itz simply not possible to abstain. im telling myself to abstain, but i don't acherli WANT to, so.. yah itz not been successful in terms of that ah. so i decided to scrap complete abstinence and replace it with partial abstinence.. or mere detachedness. itz kwite easy to do larh.. just smile when you need to and NEVER raise your hand to wave. and think about other stuff alot [thatz the easiest part]. so.. yeah. i wouldn't say the abstinence period was without itz merits. i think of it as a form of detox. and yah, now itz much easier to view things. things to do with THAT ONE ah, i mean.
i wanted to write all about how i detest skl and why jcs are the bane of my existence, but itz just too depressing to deal with, since i've just brought myself out of the dumps anyway. so... maybe next time when im out of material. but the surau has been my haven, my escape from reality, my refuge. i live for the surau these days. [of course for the next 5-7 days i kan't but nvm.] but seriously, yar. itz the only place i feel completely myself. and so i should just spend the bulk of my outside time there. yes.
ok last thing. yesterday i was watching dian 2: hidayah [what does hidayah mean in malay?], and then during one of those heart-tugging scenes, they played this bg music ah. which sounded SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO familiar! so i tried to remember where i last heard it from, and why i knew the tune so well, as if i'd heard it all my life. and then i remembered! it was theme song. you know, the music piece they used to play at orchard mrt, when i was hanging out at jp alot.. i wanted to CRY. i was about to cry anyway. it was just so sad. it brought me back to the time when i was happy and relaxed and settled in with life completely. when i diden really have to study [in perspective], but did anyway cos i wanted to be promoted to sec 3. i was so so so sad when i heard the song, and the tune was playing in my head, and i knew exactly what the entire song sounded like even before the rest of it was played. i'm really sad ah. then, we were such good friends and nothing really tore us apart. and we used to just sit there and people-watch, and do our hw, and talk, and eat sushi, and... omigod itz just so sad. i still remember this one day baba n i were sitting there and there were these pl lims.. haha.. and later we took the straws they were using [when they were gone, of cos] and washed and kept them. oh and remember loner? who could forget her? and slash.. and... ohh... i miss being great friends with all my pbl group.. -sigh- if i could just go back in time to a secondary school era, i'd choose that one. then one day, they stopped playing the song. in fact, they stopped playing anything at the mrt stations. except for this stupid period where they played nature songs. ............................................... i do not know the title of the song, nor the composer [itz just an instrumental piece]. i do not know anything about the song except that it never failed to calm me then, and it never fails to tug at my heart now. i do not know if any of the other people who shared the song with me actually place it in a special place in their heart as i do, but i do know that i will never forget the notes, the tune, the essence of the song, and how it will always remind me of the happiest time i have possibly had in my short lifetime so far. i miss you all, my pbl group. i miss all of you, baba, fana, diyanah.
on a considerably brighter note, i've been making up a whole range of mini-literary works.. which include, among others, a mini-script, mini-timetable and mini-fairytale. maybe i'll post them up sometime. till next time yah..

this will be a shitty entry, so please leave now. i'm just tired and lazy but i still wanna chronicle my life, since i'm getting back into the blogging thing [so there!].. ok letz start from the beginning. yesterday. oh shit i forgot what happened. ohyah. short wednesday. bearable and all. got a lift from my sister. but there was sum accident off normanton park, so there was a whole traffic buildup thingy.. and i reached school at.. 7.39? haha. the bell rang the moment i stepped in, or thereabouts. then.. like i sed, bearable short wednesday. wednesdays are excellent. so iz decaf. neway, den fana msged me asking if i wanted to go out, so i was like, alrite! cos i'd acherli prayed earlier to have sum form of activity to do after skl. den.. yah, after skl i took 198 and waited at the jj bus stop ah. then i went inside, met lyn and saw the pic of her extremely good-looking brother [who, btw, still cannot top frappe lah].. den.. went to orchard ah.. ate at jon's salon. took picture card at far east also. saw dell n her bf again. umm.. ohyah took bus to police academy. reached around 4.15.. it was like, sa vs ac. i wanted to kill ili for giving me wrong info. i thot rj played already or smthg. luckily i met grace, den she told me it was prolly afterwards. so we watched while standing, then we sat down at the steps near the toilets. there were these 3 cj guys ah. 1 vik, 2 cins. the vik was, i'm sorry to say, NOT cute. one of the cins was not bad and the other was extremely cute. they're the sort who dun exactly look cin ah. i like that type. i also like rosy cheeks, speaking of which, i saw him yest too! he's as adorable as ever, and i think his name/surname is kong or khong or watever. anyway. the cin guys were both wearing glasses, the cool kind. both tall. all 3 prolly ruggers, after getting trashed, decided to learn a thing or two from the other matches. the cute one was filming the sa-ac match. he was hot literally, so he unbuttoned a button. i was dying! hahah. extreeeeeeeeeeemeeeely sexay... he also carries a crumpler and has a gf [i think]. the ok one reminds me of khairul [haha] which is definitely not an insult rite? yarh, hez acherli great except his pants are abit too short and they have two holes in the left knee. hey, that kinda reminds me of RH! how i miss rgs tarian.. it was a cool match. i, of course, cheered only for raihan since cheering for adil also is kinda funny. as i was leaving early from there, i saw this tudunged lady sitting alone, cross-legged on the ground, watching. dunno whose mom. badak wasn't playing. he had mata tembel and so he bandaged his eye. anyway then i went home so the end.
today. i diden get a lift today. i diden see hichael today. but i got a nice corner seat and a good nap in the morning. then took the bus with frappe [!!!!! woohoo!!!!] and -ugh- my fren, who, fortunately, did not greet me in any way. frappe is too hot, too cool, too excellent. but i was suffering from pe anxiety, so i diden haf very great a time for the most part of the day. however, i did manage to appreciate this short ac lim who was at council invest just now. not very appreciable, but hey. i take what i kan get. speaking of which, saw a jp lim in the train! yeah! not cute acherli, but yah. strangely, carrying only a notebook and wallet or smthg. not even pencil case. weeeeird. then pe anxiety ended as we started the run. i wanted to/was about to die already, from the 1.5th round onwards.. but i persevered. people started lapping me from 3rd round onwards, but i wasn't like, despirited ah. -wtf my spoiled brat of a cousin is messing up my house- anyway, yah after i finished my 5th round, i started walking. i'd already promised myself tt if my 5-round time was satisfactory, i'd get to walk for the last round. so yah. it was 12:37 or smthg.. so i walked and walked and walked. den ran for the last 100m. then took my card and paced up and down the semi-D about a thousand times, feeling like shit. [well acherli i felt as if my intestines were shrivelling up.] i thot my time was like, in the 17th or 18th minute ah.. and i got a really pleasant surprise when udu read out my time as 15:40. wow! itz great! come on larh, i think my best time was 15:57 in sec 3.. or was it sec 2? last year it was 16:40, or thereabouts. so. yeah. thank you, God. this is Your grace. please let me pass the rest of the test too. [for statistical purposes, my time was a C grade. yeah!] anyway when i was done i went to pray [i love the surau with every passing day] den my sister picked me up. and now im home! and ruben has won!
take kare y'all.

my sister sent me to skl today.. so i managed to successfully avoid all unpleasant encounters, at least for one day. also, i got thru the day without eating or drinking, so i'm pretty proud of myself. ooh. and i managed to focus on obsessing over non-coffees [except frappe!] today, so thatz cool. btw, adamz class is S01B. okay now we know.
throughout the course of the day, i discovered i was lost many many times. there were times i saw or felt myself slipping away, letting another self take its place, and all i could do was observe. passively observe myself slipping away into God-knows-where. there were moments of clarity, of course, but such times were few and confusingly, they were mostly the time i spent at the surau. i mean, i know therez nothing wrong with that, but itz just.. skary.. you don't know how skary it is to be on the inside looking out. sure, everyone knows how it feels to be on the outside looking in, but not the other way right? itz so so skary. i thought i'd never find myself again. i found myself forced to watch and listen and disintegrate as i rejected help from well-meaning friends. and i couldn't do anything to stop it! i felt so defeated. and.. yah.. i dunno.
maybe tomorrow will be a better day.

I can't get out of bed today or get you off my mind
I just can't seem to find a way to leave the love behind
I aint trippin, I'm just missin you
You know what I'm saying, you know what I mean
You kept me hangin on a string why you make me cry
I tried to give you everything but you just gave lies
I aint trippin, I'm just missin you
You know what I'm saying, you know what I mean yeah

Every now and then when I'm all alone
I'll be wishing you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothin I can do
I'm such a fool for you

Chorus:
I can't take it
What am I waiting for
My heart's still breakin
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before
I hate you, but I love you
I can't stop thinkin of you
It's true
I'm stuck on you

Now love's a broken record that's been skippin in my head
I keep singin yesterday,
Why we gots to play these games we play
I aint trippin, I'm just missin you
You know what I'm saying, you know what I mean yeah

Every now and then when I'm all alone
I'll be wishing you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool

Chorus:
I can't take it
What am I waiting for
My heart's still breakin
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before
I hate you, but I love you
I can't stop thinkin of you
It's true
I'm stuck on you

Every now and then when I'm all alone
I'll be wishing you would call me on the telephone
Say you want me back but you never do
I feel like such a fool
There's nothin I can do
I'm such a fool for you

Chorus:
I can't take it
What am I waiting for
My heart still breakin
I miss you even more
And I can't fake it
The way I could before
I hate you, but I love you
I can't stop thinkin' of you
It's true
I'm stuck on you--Stacie Orrico's Stuck

i hate you. how could you be so mean as to do that to me? i mean, think about it. i've never done anything mean to you. not a single time. not willingly and not unconsciously. because i've never done a single mean thing to you. you know what i should have said to badak the time he suaned you abt me? "why, are you jealous? don't worry, he doesn't go for malay girls." isn't that true? it is rite? you know, i'm SO stupid. the day i saw you last year, the month of my birthday, at pizza hut, when you were with 2 other guys and 2 or 3 girls, i should have immediately GUESSED you were triple-dating! but you know what conclusion i came to? i thot they were your COUSINS! now, ain't that dumb of me? a 6-pointer, but with absolutely no common sense. that's me. i just can't believe my stupidity. and i guess yu kan't too, seeing as you never bothered to say bye just now. and you know what else? i acherli had clues about your actual self waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay before this. i think it was 2 or 3 years ago when i first thot you were cute and i voiced it to fana, who told me about the time at sinda awards where she and nita heard you checking out girls. i never forgot that little bit of information, acherli.. but i guess i didn't or couldn't come to the conclusion that you were like THAT. i don't acherli want to come to that conclusion now, acherli. but i'm faced with no other choice. now, doesn't that prove that i'm about the dumbest human being on earth? i have no idea how i live with myself.
actually i'm not exactly sure why what yu did [or diden do, maybe] bothers me so. itz not as if i really really like you or anything, the way i do a certain someone else. so theoretically, i shouldn't be bothered by just now at all. in fact, i'm not even sure WHAT i'm bothered about. but i know for a fact that i am bothered. maybe itz cos i never thot of you as that kinda "havoc" [in fana's words] character.. and now that i've realised that, i feel dramatically paled, since i'm a reject [in my words]. i can't believe u made me cry. i don't know WHY you made me cry. but you did! you did! itz all your fault. y be so friendly, amicable and baik-baik from 6.45 am to 5.45pm, when you turn into sum sorta... pai viknesh like the rest of them, hanging out with aimees and all that? doesn't that kinda show that the latter is your real self? y hide it from the 645-545 world then? we wouldn't have persecuted yu, yu know. ohmigawd. i just can't believe it. you destroyed my visions! how dare you? how dare you? i would believe it of them, but you? you're just another two-face. dun try and tampilkan two different versions of yourself larh. you'll be found out in the end. do you know that? do you KNOW that? i have found you out. itz a matter of time before the rest of the world does. why can't you just be true to one self? i just don't get it. i thot only confused-looking people were like this. but i guess i was wrong.
i suppose i should also blame myself. i've been in a horrible state these past few weeks. and therefore quite volatile. it's just... i don't like my dreams to be destroyed. and you have succeeded in doing that. and i know i should just try to forget it, but i have this knack for being unable to forget the very things that upset me. i'm not sure why. but it is beyond my control, this special ability. i cannot turn it off. and so i will have to endure weeks [at least] of visions of today haunting me. and the empty feeling you left me with. no, really. it was an empty feeling. i was eating, yes. but i was emptied as well. the moment i walked in and registered that initial picture, my head said, hancur hatiku. kaoz. i wasn't exaggerating. it broke at first, and then you crushed it under your feet. while still talking. not to me, of course. not to me. after that you sorta brushed away the minute fragments with your feet and walked away. and so i still feel empty now.
at first i went all out. i sed, ok. i'll ignore!!! i'll avoid talking, eye contact, and waving. all forms of communication will be avoided. feign permanent selective deafness. and all that crap. but seriously. me? do all that? come on larh. i couldn't even do that to mr. crap [ok ttz cos of kesianness, but still.]. so i settled for simple abstinence. ok in truth itz not as simple as the phrase suggests. but itz definitely simpler than the first knee-jerk response. i'll change carriages. maybe change train, cos i'm gonna pray subuh from now on. to hell with white slips for lateness. i'll fast this mon and tues. i might skip the normal bus, just in case. or sit at the far end seat. cos you'll never venture there. or hang out in the toilet until.. 7.20. stuff like that. stuff like... never venturing into the canteen. never staying back after skl as far as i kan. hanging out at the surau if i really need to stay back. mostly looking down, and not looking up [like from tables, out of the classroom, etc] unnecessarily. and since i kan recognise your voice, i know when especially not to look up. not wandering out of the lt before econs lec, so i dun haf to enter and maybe have to lalu you. not obsessing over my list for at least a week, to lift the sanctions that latte has appeared to place on me. so that next time, his attn won't be drawn to me and so won't yours. and what else is there? ohyah never looking out for your class, even if i somehow become badak's bez fren or smthg. oohyes one more thing. abstaining from all things vik/aimee for at least a week. acherli that doesn't have much to do with you, but itz ok. i'll just take extra precautions like they did with sars. they were kwite successful with that, so i might be too.
i don't know WHY i had to even venture back west today.. gatal sangat tanak balek rite? nak share your joy abt kaw with fana rite? inilah padahnye. but it must be God's will that i had to face such a cobaan today. bye.

well. i'm stuffed. after the match my sister picked me up from vj and we picked my brother up and we went to breeks at tm to eat. *now playing, Girl On TV by LFO... as a tribute to raihan, for his great performance today and in the preceding games..* anyway, yah. then.. ohyah my brother has a wolverine hairstyle today!!!!!! i couldn't stop laughing initially.. itz horrible! how cld he go to skl liddat? apparently everyone in his skl thot it was cool. i have to say this for him, he does exactly what he wants.. so he'll never ever shortchange himself. unlike yours truly. WHY DIDEN I JUST SMILE AT WEI? nvm. anyway. pe was acherli pretty cool. it kinda rained, so we did a mock pft.. situps and sbj and shuttle run. i passed all 3, for ur info.. surprisingly i managed to maintain my A for situps.. yay! and shuttle run was 12.1.. oklah... as long as i pass, i'm happy ah. then we rushed out and got a cab [sya, ai mei, me] and went to vj. it was still 0-0 when we arrived [around 4.22], and... well, it was still 0-0 when i left, to put it less harshly. thing was, raihan got this really cool header that was BOUND to get in! and the goalie managed to knock it out! i was crying. it was just SO sad. so so so sad. i was very sad. sorry to seem like, overly concerned about soccer when im usually not, but i really did feel that sad ah.. it was simply horrible. anyway, yah. i can't believe it. but itz over. itz totally over now.
tmr is the iq quiz. i sincerely hope we get thru to the finals.. please, God. let us get thru. den i hope i'm going for the rj-cj rugby match. itz been a long time since my [first and] last rugby match. so.. heh. hope it'll be cool. well. cya then.
ohyah. breeks was oklah. but i mean, it was all creamy and stuff.. cos i had sum fish n pasta thingy. which was creamy. then dessert--brownie [heart-shaped!] with choc syrup, cream and choc ice cream. it was GREAT. haha. should last me till tmr afternoon. but im still gonna haf breakfast.

yesterday was what i thought to be the worst day of my life. acherli it went fine ah, for the most part.. but there was a major screwup, 1km from home. how shitty is that? i went to bishan mac's after school with sya. so we sat there and ate and studied econs [which was, btw, unnecessary cos.. well i'll elaborate later..] and waited for baba. then wei ming came in and we sed hi to each other. then baba came and the st nick's gerl came in.. i still dunno her name, and she doesn't know mine, but itz okay ah.. i haven't seen her since last year!!! so we sed hi and she was like,"wow you're in raffles? so smart? wat's ur o level aggregate?" anyway she's in sec 3 now, taking double science and art.. she's so bubbly! haha so nice to have friends... haha.. den... i went home ard 4.45.. dropped by loyang point.. heeeuuuge mistake there.. it was acherli raining lightly then.. by the time i came out of loyang point [around 10 mins later, maximum], it was really huge buckets of water crashing down on pasir ris. i was drenched to the skin, and this morning i had to wear other shoes cos my fila ones were still wet. and my unprotected papers n notes were all pulpy and sticking to my bag!!! i was having a horrible time! i was like, crying of rage and sorrow. mann.. i love rain, but there is a point where i enjoy it at home, instead of being out in it. then at 8 i was already half-asleep when my sister woke me up and asked if i wanted to go out for dinner with the rest of the family. tired and sleepy as i was, i was still myself, so i stupidly sed yes.. got home around 9-plus, ended up sleeping at almost 11. beats the purpose of going home early duncha think? anyway but yest was kwite cool also cos i saw screw and alex... heh. alex was on crutches.. haha. oohyah and i took the bus with decaf badak and my fren! whee!~ ohyah n i stared at hichael who was staring at me too! alrite!
ooh and TODAY, after skl i took 156 to bishan with sya. she went for training and i went home ah. it was like, 6.05 then. so the queue was full so i thot i'd get fries or smthg first.. nancy took a shittily long time!!! i wanted to kill her. so by the time i got back, the queue was half full already. whatever. i joined it.. then i saw jeremy!!!! he talked to me for awhile.. i kan't believe he quit council.. i would never do that, if i was IN council.. but i guess he wants a more relaxed jc life.. sigh.. to be in council.. nevermind. like mun yuk sed, mebbe better things are in store [although at this point i can't be too optimistic about that].. ohyeah the econs test. it was the Automobile Association qn lorh!!!!!! i cannot believe it.. i diden even consider consumer surplus and consumer sovereignty as part of dd and ss.. well.. whatever. i just gave in 1.5 pages of crap, complete with 4 diagrams. hee. yah well.. that's about it... i gotta go do... erm.. chem malay bio. in that order.. maybe a few qns of each. haha.
byez!~ wish me a great journey to skl tmr!

fuck it sum asshole just screwed either the OD website or my comp.. just what i need right now.. anyway.. tomorrow im sending the kalashatvam pics [courtesy of sya] for printing! heh. gonna get 5000 copies printed.. can't wait! ohyah sorry for the sudden craze for quizzes.. i was bored and yah..
ever felt soopa pissed? itz a normality of my life. i can't believe i won't be able to watch fir tomorrow. i was really really counting on it. and now i can't. well, acherli i can, but an unaccompanied rj girl at jj watching a match between sr and ny is really not a normal sight, i.e. it might attract things i'm not emotionally capable of handling. so... i'm really soopa pissed right now. and there's no outlet. aaaaaaaarggh! one day... one day i'll be mean to my friends.. and then they'll know how i feel. i know i'm already mean, and not just mean, but mean, but i'm only mean to non-friends or people i really dun like [acherli the latter is a subset of the former.]. so one day i'll be mean to my friends. no, then that'll make them non-friends too. aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggggggh. time for rasuk therapy. the only way of calming me at the highest point of internal unrest.
bye.

You are Wolverine!

A loner by nature, you feel uncomfortable when
around those you don't know and even those you
do. You are awkward when it comes to
relationships, but fiercely loyal to those you
love.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are the good ol' classic sunset. Romantical
and serene, you're genuine nature will
guarentee you an incredible amount of pain in
this life as you realize how many phony
hypocrites are out there. Sooner or later
you'll decide to stop hating them and start
helping them. Don't expect anything, give your
love without abandon and you will reap
countless rewards.

You are not greedy. Thank you for your flexibility
and willingness to compromise. Yeah you can be
stubborn, but for the most part, you're willing
to hang loose.

Know this...that no matter what, you are loved.


-~Which SUNSET are you? (v.2)~-
brought to you by Quizilla

it was a cool game larh.. i cheered myself hoarse.. rj got the first goal.. sum guy called isaac.. then sa got a goal in the 2nd half. i was just dying. of disappointment, heat, etc etc.. hmm... who was there.. sum indonesian sa guy... 2 persons away frm dee2.. saw the sa guy from friday.. the one i thot was cute.. den.. adam.. and his frens.. sorry the coffees weren't there.. yah that was about it.. raihan's parents and adil's mom came too.. isn't that cool?
yah anyway.. we probably won't get thru.. but don't tell anyone i said that. bye.

How can you see into my eyes like open doors?
Leading you down into my core
Where I've become so numb

Without a soul
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold
Until you find it there and lead it back home

-CHORUS-
[wake me up] Wake me up inside
[I can't wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run
[I cant wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing I've become

Now that I know what I'm without
You can't just leave me
Breathe into me and make me real
Bring me
To life

-CHORUS-
[wake me up] Wake me up inside
[I can't wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run
[I can't wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing I've become

{Bring me to life}
[Ive been living a lie..Theres nothing inside]
{Bring me to life}

Frozen inside without your touch
Without your love, darling
Only you are the life among the dead

[All of this I, I cant believe I couldn't see
Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me]

I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems
Got to open my eyes to everything

[Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul]
{Dont let me die here}{You must be sacrificed}
Bring me to life

-CHORUS-
[wake me up] Wake me up inside
[I can't wake up] Wake me up inside
[Save me] Call my name and save me from the dark
[Wake me up] Bid my blood to run
[I can't wake up] Before I come undone
[Save me] Save me from the nothing I've become

Bring me to life
[Ive been living a lie.. Theres nothing inside]
Bring me to life
by Evanescence.

Where the boys are, someone waits for me
A smilin' face, a warm embrace, two arms to hold me tenderly

Where the boys are, my true love will be
He's walkin' down some street in town and I know he's lookin' there for me

In the crowd of a million people I'll find my valentine
And then I'll climb to the highest steeple and tell the world he's mine

Till he holds me I'll wait impatiently
Where the boys are, where the boys are
Where the boys are, someone waits for me

Till he holds me I'll wait impatiently
Where the boys are, where the boys are
Where the boys are, someone waits for me
Connie Francis' Where The Boys Are, resurrected by Kimberley Locke. You go, girl!

Siapa bilang gadis melayu tak menawan
Tak menarik hati, tiada memikat
Kalaulah memang tak mungkin aku tertarik
Kalaulah sungguh tak mungkin aku kan jatuh

Aduhai... lemah lembut gayanya
Serta manis senyumnya
Hitam pekat rambutnya
Ayuh ambil si dia

Di antara gadis gadis seluruh dunia
Tiada yang sehalus mulus oh setulus dia
Di antara gadis gadis seluruh dunia
Tiada yang sehalus mulus oh setulus dia
Budi bahasanya, pandangan matanya
Sentuhan jiwanya membuatku terlena
Othman Hamzah's Gadis Melayu. not too many of those around these days, are there?