Stop calling me Auntie

I got hospitalised last Friday and was discharged on Tuesday. So we're off chemo for two weeks while I chill out. But in summary, I'm fine.

Last Thursday on my chemo day off, I went for pole prac in the morning and Afro Fusion class at night. I had a lil' asthma attack at the end of my group's run - don't worry, I sat down immediately after and took lifesaving puffs of my inhaler.

Polyclinic visit

The next day, I woke up with a nagging pain below my left breast. It sent sharp needles of pain every time I took more than a shallow breath. I thought it was the usual muscle ache from Thursday's dance classes so I just tried to power through the day. At lunchtime I went to take a nap, but it was impossible because of hard it was to breathe properly. Also, lying on my right side hurt like ass. Also also, I was having a sore throat with an almost-fever of 37.1 deg. So I went on Health Buddy and tried to get an appointment at a polyclinic near me. 

It's not really about cost for me when I choose polyclinics over private ones. It's just that after visiting the downstairs clinic over my debilitating back pain a few months ago, their response was to ask me to get an appointment with my oncologist "because it might be cancer-related". My oncologist was bingit and told me to just visit a polyclinic next time because they have more facilities to order an X-ray or whatever tests instead of fobbing me off.

Sadly, I didn't manage to get my favourite polyclinic this time, so I had to go to Bedok Polyclinic. It was my first time there and my first reaction is that the Eunos one is so much cooler. The Bedok one is noisier and I can't explain why without being kecam. But the staff and doctor (that I saw) are equally great. 

I took a Gojek to the clinic but I was already planning to have a burger after my appointment, then take the bus home. Nope. The doctor said it sounded like a gall bladder infection (pain in right abdomen radiating up to the shoulder, low grade fever) so she wrote me a referral letter and told me to go to A&E instead. 

A&E also concurred with the prelim diagnosis, but I couldn't get an immediate slot for a CT scan, so I had to be warded while waiting for the Mon appointment. Meanwhile they pumped me full of antibiotics and didn't let me eat anything in case it worsened the infection.

Anyway, it turned out not to be a gall bladder infection, yay. But I had RSV (some respiratory virus) which explained the sore throat that turned into a phlegmy cough during my time in hospital.

Nurse kept calling me Auntie

It took almost 24 hours from the time I stepped into A&E to get into a ward. Meanwhile I was watching others leave the the observation room like Rachel when she was in labour but not dilated enough. 

Anyway, I ended up in what seems to be the cancer ward. My wardmates were four old aunties and one 40ish lady. And one of the nurses-in-charge kept calling me "auntie". I wanted to deck her. 

In all fairness, I'm sure she didn't really think I was more than 30 years older than her, because she did call me "sister" sometimes. It just seemed to be a force of habit for her, due to the demographic of that ward. But maybe you could drop the salutations?! All the other nurses had no problem not calling me anything at all! They just said things like, "Hello, time to take your BP" and "need to go toilet?" and "pass motion or pass urine?"

Window seat

I was pretty blessed to get a bed beside the window. It had views of the Singhealth tower and the Tg Pagar port and a nice slice of sky. One evening I just sat there watching the sky change colours. 

window seat pic

Aunties vs Lazy Ain

Most of my other wardmates had their curtains drawn closed in my first three days in the ward. Sekali on Tuesday, my last day there, everyone decided to keep their curtains open in the morning. Yeah that's cool but then I realised my next-door neighbour was standing beside her bed doing light exercises. For like an hour. And one auntie beside the door was just standing. The nurse asked, "Auntie, where you want to go?" Auntie said, "Nowhere, I just want to stand here."

I had been lying like an invalid in bed since Friday! And I didn't know any different cos the auntie opposite me did the same thing - eat, pee, sleep, repeat. Properly abashed, I started doing little hamstring stretches in bed. I didn't wanna stand up cos takut the next-door auntie think I copy her.

Cutes visited every evening, which I appreciated because he doesn't stress me out

I am a horrible daughter

My parents decided to barge into the observation room (one by one cos max one visitor) on the morning of Day 2, which immediately distressed me because my dad started sharing more about their home problems, which instantly made me start crying. I am very sorry you have to deal with such problems, but I barely had any sleep the night before and I'm trying my best to breathe without spasms of pain. Could you not treat me as a literal captive audience for your own issues? 

I watched my wardmates get cheery visits from their family members (one uncle was singing at the bedside of my next-door wardmate) and I realised this could never be me, because most of my family of origin stresses me the fuck out. Not saying it's their fault, maybe it's mine. 

New chemo protocol

Anyway, what the CT scan found is that the cancer has spread to other parts of the bones, i.e. further metastasis. The scan from three months ago only saw mets in the hipbone, but it's in other areas now so it means the chemo hasn't been working that well in arresting the spread of the cancer. There were some pathological fractures (i.e. fractures that happened on their own and *not* from my excessive dancing) too. This might also be what was causing my original pain on Friday.

We will be aborting the Paclitaxel/Abraxane regime, which I had two weeks left of, and changing to Enhertu, from 22 Oct.

My oncologist Dr Beh came by on Tuesday to discuss all these with me. She commented, "I see that you've been quite stoic about everything - that's why I told my junior doc yesterday that she could just go ahead to update you on the CT scan results."

Lol. I mean, I did cry a bit when the junior doc (Dr Kezia, cool name) told me the news on Monday, but I already knew it was stage IV before this so.. it's not really a huge difference, is it?

Okay well, the difference is that since we now know I have weak bones, I cannot do vigorous physical activity like afro dance. Or like Quan Bui's choreos. So, yeah, boo but I'm gonna modify whatever I can, as long as I can still move. 

Breast Cancer Awareness photoshoot

This was yesterday and while I was hospitalised, I was afraid I'd have to miss it but alhamdulillah, I made itttt. Jasmine invited me to join the photoshoot and I readily agreed. I didn't expect to be the only one in active treatment and I felt a bit awks at first but it turned out great. 

I kinda got ready for the shoot in a daze, because I'm still recovering from the phlegmy cough and diarrhoea from the hospital antibiotics. We all shed our bottoms for the white shirt part of the shoot, and I was thanking God I hadn't chosen to wear ratty underwear that day.

It was really nice to hear stories from the other BC peeps and also getting to see Rai, Jayne, and Claudia again. And meeting Shar in person after months of IG-only interactions! Watching Jas swing in her hammock while telling her story of how she cried for no reason on so many occasions was surreal.

Lift pic before the magic of makeup

Lots of this is so surreal. I'm so sick of traipising in and out of healthcare institutions and if it takes putting my FOO on an info diet and dancing till I drop to make me feel normal, Imma do that.

Bright spots

We finished our 20 weeks of ballet together last week and I'm very proud of us! I hope to continue bumping into these lovely ladies at the studio.

Argh my elbow could be more turned out

Buzzed it

Refer to headings below!

Buzzed my hair

My pixie cut was starting to look really straggly to me, with an annoying cowlick sticking up at the left back area UGH. So I was super excited to rock up to Salon Nu to see Eugenie on Saturday.

I was on the fence whether to just get a buzz cut or go totally bald. But we realised that I have numerous acne bumps on my head (thanks, hormones) which would be very painful to do a smooth shave over, so we just went with number 2 buzz. Eugenie forced me to try it out myself, so I did, for like two strokes. It was a less smooth process than I expected. 

I'm blessed enough that I started off with really thick hair, so the hair loss doesn't look very apparent to the untrained eye. Even in the current buzzed form, you can see more hair than bald spots. Always Alhamdulillah. It looks even enough that I'm just going out and about without my lovely scarves. Although I just bought two more from Binary Style HAHA sorry not sorry.

Looking like some sorta punk/Sinead O'Connor Clueless person

Girl dinner

Nothing has been tasting good. Well, almost nothing. My favourites like bebek goreng or basic-ass stuff like nasi ayam have been tasting tasteless! Like I just have to choke it down for survival.

I made this basic bruschetta last week which was palatable though, because fresh crusty bread is still good. This was the Hayley ciabatta and two leftover tomatoes. Not exactly fuss-free cos I need to slice and chop, but at least I got to finish most of it. 

Girl dinner: Basic bruschetta

Chemo Day 

Registration

They scheduled me for: 7.30am blood test, 8.30am oncologist appointment, and 11.30am chemo yesterday. Zero chance of getting there by bus or train lol. I got a $30 Grab ride with a guy who was playing Christian pop, fun. Would he smack me if I started playing Tu Pum Pum? 

I was afraid we'd be affected by F1 road closures, but we just got slightly diverted to the wrong side of Fullerton Road, which was pretty cool, and still reached the hospital in the usual 20 minutes. 

Got to the registration kiosks at 7.24am, only to see zero registration staff and a queue of five. The more anxious ones tried to scan their ICs but a seasoned auntie patient said, "Cannot scan, it will only open at 7.30." Kepala hotak ah. Indeed, the staff came out at 7.28am and told us to wait 2 more minutes jokes. So anyway, now we know, all blood test staff start work at 7.30am so don't bother coming earlier.

Cost of meds

I was at the oncologist clinic before 8am and was the first patient there. So we now know they also don't open clinic until a few minutes before 8.30, then. Some PSAs/nurses were gossiping at the back. Wow I miss being frontline sometimes.

My oncologist is busy/blur/IDK so I had to remind her that I'm on Abraxane now because I had two allergic reactions to them. "I couldn't breathe and my blood pressure dropped to 80 or 70.."

"Oh that was you ah? I remember the case but didn't realise it was you."

Baiklah, thanks.

Then she went, "But I'm a bit worried about the cost.. Oh they didn't tell you about it? I told them to tell you."

Great. No, they only spoke to me for two minutes about the side effects which are the exact same as Pacli. Thanks to r/breastcancer for keeping me aware of the higher cost, though.

It turns out to be ~$1,800 for a 3-week cycle of weekly infusions. I'm expected to pay $3,600, not sure if fully or partially out of pocket. She tried to check for other subsidies, notably the Medical Assistance Fund (MAF), but I've means-tested out of it cos the threshold is per capita monthly income of $7k, based on gross income. Even if I lived alone, I couldn't get MAF subs.

I'm sure I can swallow the cost but I'm just gonna ask to see the financial counsellor at my next appointment. This medical admin shit is truly the hardest part, sometimes.

Anyway, if you caught my bitching about why they start you on Pacli first despite the higher chance of allergic reaction, this is the two thousand dollar reason.

Absentminded oncologist and understandably irritated nurse

I was sent to wait outside as usual for the nurse to prep the forms and pass them over. She was quite crabby as I walked out of the room, so I was afraid I'd offended her. I was also starting to feel indignant and considering submitting a feedback about her - that's just how my anxious brain works.

But when she came out and explained that my doctor had accidentally cancelled the post-chemo regimen bone scan and CT scan, I realised she was actually irritated at the doc HAHA kesian. To the nurse's credit, she managed to get them rebooked for the same week, although not the same dates. 

Bronch

I went to Dearborn for my usual yummy granola and chilli toast and refreshing yuzu drink. I just love sitting there munching and watching the fowl and the people.

Pleasant Phesgo jab

During the actual chemo, the nurse somehow found a sweet spot on my thigh for my dreaded once-per-cycle Phesgo injection! It did not hurt going in and only stung every 30 seconds of the five-minute process, instead of every millisecond like the previous rounds!

We discussed it and she said maybe she managed to find the part of the thigh with more fat. So, fun learning point to all chemo nurses out there! She actually measured (with her hands) the midpoint between my hip crease and my knee a few times before poking it there. There's a good guideline for you. I remember the first nurse poked it about a palm's length above my knee and that hurt like sin.

What's next after Abraxas?

I have two more sessions of Abraxas to go. In the final week of Abraxas, I also have my CT scan and bone scan, on separate days cos apparently the bone scan solution to be injected into my bloodstream will interact with the CT scan otherwise. 

Then the following week, my doctor booked me a new chemo appointment. It won't be Abraxas or Phesgo anymore but "two chemo drugs" but she didn't mention what and I just get tired of interrogating her sometimes. My chemo nurse shared that it might be AC, which I've seen mentioned frequently on r/bc and I'll read up more later.

Isn't it kinda crazy? You're sick with a potentially deadly condition, you still have to juggle it with adulting shit like work and chores, then you need to keep your brain alert during medical appointments so you can retain and critically examine all this new info you've been given. When can you just sit and relax? Probably when you mampos.

Medical folder? No!  Medical foldeD.

Cutes has been giving me grief for folding up my medical forms and stuffing them into my handbag. He told me to get a folder for them instead. But who wants to cramp their style and ease of travel by incorporating a fussy folder on top of everything? No thanks, the current handsfree handbag life works for me.

Test order forms folded in my bag

Chemo 'fit 

Not to masuk bakul angkat sendiri (translated from Malay: enter a basket and carry it yourself aka praise myself), but my 'fits are consistently fresh the longer I'm on this chemo journey! I'm sure someday I'll be too tired to put in the effort but for now, I enjoy traipsing around and looking back at my photos. And I feel extra high fashun in my bald head.

BTV top and new Whimsigirl Sculptor Linen pants under a Mother Dough cap. Also my favourite monster face earrings which one nurse complimented.

I'm at Cata Coffee now and the very nice Chinese lady came to say hi and exchange a few words as she noticed I haven't been here in a while. How kind, excuse me while I cry.

Benadryl Breakup

Back to regular programming!

Yesterday's blood test was at 10.30am with the chemo at 1.30pm, because the order was for the usual full blood panel and an additional liver panel, so the tests take three hours to run instead of two. After some internal battle, I decided to bring my laptop along to get some light work done. With the fortuitous tech refresh on Monday, I now have a laptop with an acceptable battery life so there's no need to drag the charger around as well!

When I hopped onto the bus to get to Tiong Bahru, the laptop (in its tote bag) banged the handrail. Loudly. Haha MALU PE. Luckily there were only four other passengers in the bus. The driver looked around, maybe wondering if he'd banged something, but I just acted dumb and he moved on. 

Went back to Plain Vanilla! I got there just shy of 11am, and it was basically full! A far cry from the 9am crowd, weird eh? (Okay I found it weird in the moment, but I'm realising I just got to this pull.in at 12pm when I woke up at 9am. Sometimes people just wanna sleep in. Or go for yoga first or whatever.) 

Anyway. I had a pesto chicken and sundried tomato sandwich with like, 11 sweet potato fries. But it's fine, it was the right amount for my smol chemo stomach. Then I managed to log in and get an hour of lame work done with the patchy connection. It still felt cool. The mental image in my head of working at a cafe just sounds cool, although I know how impractical it is for a Pee Demon like me. Actually I'd booked the HPB cowork space, but I was so lazy to go to another building (although it's practically beside NCCS) then double back to NCCS, so I didn't bother.

Cool Work From Cafe vibes

Then I walked back to NCCS. It's so hot at 12.45pm la please. But many others were doing the same walk! Medical staff walking away from hospital grounds and this rando pair walking from Eng Hoon to Alumni House, maybe? So it's an entirely normal thing to do, despite what Cutes would have me believe. (He's too lazy to do such walks.)

They put me at Suite F this round, which was new. I was always at Suite A or B in the last two months, so I mostly knew the nurses' and PSAs' faces. Suite F was.. different! They have maybe eight chairs and a correspondingly smaller care team. They were also very chirpy and chatty and close-knit, starting with what seemed to be the lead nurse, who gave me definite Jasmine Han vibes. She greeted me with, "Wow! Love the colours! Dress for success!" or something lol. I mean, I've been wearing bright nonsense to the centre for months and no one has said boo to me about it, so it was different for sure.

I also love the colours. This was a particularly cute outfit I feel! Except the Fenty Creepers gave me blisters after the walking. In the second pic, I'm being annoyed at my runny allergic rhinitis nose.

Nurse Jas was asking, any side effect in the last week? I said there was some light diarrhoea in the last two days. She told me to "avoid taking dairy, eating fried food, spicy food, otherwise your body have to work harder". Ah fuck. Why is it all my favourite food are diarrhoea triggers? We should definitely look into some genetic engineering at conception to adjust this. (TMI: I had my favourite ayam bakar at Paris Van Java on Tuesday and the yummy sambal is what I've been pooping out, sigh.)

It was 2pm when I was called in. They got me set up, I confirmed that we were doing Abraxane. Nurse Jas (obvi not her name but I can't remember it even though it was an unusual Chinese name!) gave me the usual syringe of anti-nausea meds, then I was just stoning when another nurse came over to say, "Okay, starting the drug now."

"Huh? Is there no Benadryl today?" It's my bestie Benadryl, I had to ask!

"No, Abraxane has lower risk of allergic reaction, so we don't give Benadryl. The steriods we gave you earlier will have some anti-allergy effect also."

"Oh, I was hoping to fall asleep from the Benadryl." It's clear I have become a lowkey Benadryl addict.

So ya, the drug started 15 minutes after I sat down, it was over in 30 minutes, then another five for flushing with the saline, then removal of the cannula, and I was done at 3pm!

Re: the cannula, Nurse Jas actually gave me detailed breathing instructions as she was inserting the needle. "Deep breath in, deep breath out, breathe in, breathe out, breathe normally." So I apologise to Chatty Cathy from last week. More nurses should give this type of breathing instructions. Having your skin get poked once a week, sometimes multiple times a day, is not fun, especially with older drier skin. These instructions help when you're feeling anxious over the pain and discomfort. 

There was a young Viet girl who came in with her mum and sat at the chair facing mine. She looked cute in her patterned silk scarf under a baseball cap. But without the Benadryl daze, I was too self-conscious to compliment her. She gave a nurse a shopping bag of goodies and the receiving nurse came to show Nurse Jas, who was with me. Nurse Jas was like, "Oh what is this, is it Japanese?" I saw the writing on the bag and said, "It's Viet." LOL. Actually I felt like tearing up because it was the girl's last session, so she brought the goodies to thank the nurses. 

Then I realised, there's no way I can do that because they schlep me into a different suite each time. Cutes said that Viet girl was probably a private patient, so they'd give her a dedicated ward and care team. Sorry I'm naive/bodoh/whatever, I didn't realise private patients also visited NCCS! That might explain the Japanese mother and son beside me in the waiting area earlier.

It was so weird to be done at 3pm and be non-groggy. Also Cutes wasn't with me as he was attending a course. So.. I.. resolutely crossed the road and took the bus home! Yay me!

Bus stop pic

Abraxas and Chatty Cathy

Too free

I didn't blog on Day 2 of my infusion last week because I made a mini-vlog and posted it on Instagram instead. It was quite fun to do, although there are no videos of NCCS processes because a) I don't think it's allowed and b) I was mostly sleeping or in pronounced discomfort last week.

Anyway I'm still here regardless, because my work laptop has been with the IT team since 9.30am (it's now 1pm) and I'm having severe pain in my left intercostal, so I have nothing better to do. Also I wanted to document last week's chemo experience which was too cheerfully summarised in my vlog.

So last Thursday the care team gave me 75mg of Benadryl. This was intentionally higher than the usual dose of entah, because they wanted to counter potential allergic reaction to the Pacli. I had to go pee after the Benadryl, and when I stood up, the world spun around me for a hot second. The nurse was super concerned and forbade me from walking past crawling speed. I was also mildly delirious because everytime I spoke to her, I slurred slightly then felt like giggling. 

With all these precautions, I felt less nervous about getting the Pacli pumped in. So I finally plugged in my earphones and relaxed into it. Only to be woken up with the familiar breathlessness and chest tightness. I raised my head to remove my earphones and immediately felt the light-headedness signalling a potential blackout, same as in the previous week. I pressed the call button - they did park me right next to the nurses' station, but they didn't actually check on me since they were understandably busy with other patients - and the nurse took one step before spotting my red face and calling out, "Reaction!" They stopped the infusion, gave me another 25mg of Benadryl, and were clucking at how the reaction still happened even though they'd slowed the infusion down considerably. I think it took me 5 minutes to react the previous week, but around 20 minutes this time, so overall the same amount of drug had entered my system.

Blood pressure was at 80 over entah, but at least there were no rashes this time.

Also I had to pee so bad at this point, but because they were still monitoring me, they made me pee on a commode. Which was less daunting than I'd initially expected!

I had to wait freaking ages for the alternative drug Abraxane to reach me. One Chatty Cathy auntie and a gruff old uncle had already come and gone beside me by the time I was finally done. And the uncle had 3 different drug infusions k! But ultimately I'm glad we got it done. Because any incomplete infusion has to be made up for in an extra week, God please no I'm not that free.

There were totally zero adverse reactions to Abraxane. And it takes only 30 minutes because it's more concentrated or something so again, why is it not the default option?

I'm not sure what drug we're going with for this Wednesday's session (yes, changed from Thursday to Wednesday to align with oncologist appointment). It's gotta be Abraxane, right? Right?!

A bit more on Chatty Cathy: I think it was her first time, or she's just very very verbose. She was asking the nurse their usual shift hours, the open hours of the treatment unit, etc. At one point she asked him, "Am I bothering you?" And he denied it as he continued setting up the meds and replied her lol. Later she was asking another nurse re: the cannula insertion, "Should I breathe in and out or breathe in and hold my breath?" The reply was, "You take a long breath in." When her cannula finally went in, she exclaimed, "Oh so I should breathe in and out la, not hold my breath, you should have said." I don't know how nurses do it, because I was feeling impatient, and I was just lying there doing nothing! 

The intercostal pain I'm having is a bitch though. Makes most casual movement, and even lying down, the most uncomfortable jabbing/pinching pain. Let's hope it goes away soon.

[Bonus] Going Nowhere

My Nowhere Baths experience starts with a warmup. In order to afford the entry fee, I have to scrimp and save and take the bus to Dempsey instead of calling a Gojek. Then I have to hike up the hill from the bus stop. I tried to go slowly, but I was still panting unattractively. Luckily, at 6.40pm on a Monday, there were barely any witnesses to my unfitness. 

It's not all bad, though! By the time you reach the jewelry shop, there's a slight downslope, allowing you (me) to catch your breath so you can enter the Nowhere reception area elegantly and fit right in with the cool vibessss.

This was my second time at Nowhere - Ishie brought me here the first time on a Thursday morning. It was quite buzzing that day. It wasn't crowded, but you had to share the room with someone else, at least. This round, I went on the women-only Monday slot, and I suppose since it was the latest slot of the day, there was only one other lady there with me!

The trade-off of going at night is that you don't get the calming little hutan view out the window. But it's just a tiny price to pay for the privacy. This other lady and I just took turns using the different pools, and sometimes we were in the sauna together for two minutes or so. 

My sequence was roughly cold shower > salt bath > cold shower > sauna > cold shower > cold plunge > cold shower > cloud bath/jacuzzi thingy. I'm not really into steam room tings. After two rounds, it's nice to take a mid-bath break.

I was a bit apprehensive to venture outside to the deck chairs for that break, because what if hantu? Or mozzies? But the area was well-lit yet inconspicuously so if you're peeking out the window from inside. No idea how they do it. I sat there and closed my eyes, half-expecting a mozzie to bite me, but none even flitted close, and when I opened my eyes again, it was somehow 10 minutes later. And no hantu that I saw/felt. Please, Nowhere, share your anti-mozzie secrets with me.

Unlike my first time there where I only had to pee once, I had to pee a total of four times while I was there! Sorry, I consider peeing to be one of my vital health indicators. So I guess I was better hydrated this round. 

Also, I managed the cold plunge for three rounds and the last round was for 20 breaths! Idk how long that is, but it has to be like 90 seconds right? Tak eh? Love the tinglies when I come out of the plunge pool.

My slot was at 6.45pm and I decided to start showering at 8.35pm because I take ages to get ready and they close at 9. And yay, thanks to my time management skills, I was outta there around 8.55pm! I saw the other customer sitting at the lounge. Like last kopek ah. I thought of doing that but I just wanted to get home and sleep. So maybe I'll try to do a 6pm appointment someday so I can get that sweet sweet lounge time.

Can't wait for my next bath time! I'm still planning it but it has to be soon!

Is this how I'm gonna die?

Update on 12 Sep, 5.34pm: The NCCS doc just called to say my oncologist wants to continue with Pacli for the next two weeks of this Cycle 3, just at a lower titration rate, so it will be a longer session. So, no Abraxas demon after all. //

This was a busy week - derm appointment on Wednesday, chemo on Thursday, breast surgeon appointment on Friday (today). I also squeezed in a lunchtime barefoot class with Wes Marx! His barefoot choreos are underrated, guys!

Billing Battles

These ended rather unclimactically. I just made the payment in full, then sent the receipt and invoice to my agent, and it was approved and credited on the same day. So now I'm like, did my agent just make me go through the rigmarole for nothing (a.k.a. she didn't wanna go through the hassle of a manual claim)? I mean, it can't have been much of a hassle if the claim was approved in less than one working day.

But I won't pursue it, I'm just thankful for any amount that can be covered.

Derm appointment

Since my chemo and oncologist appointments have moved to Outram, all my corresponding appointments like CT scan and dermatologist appointments have also moved to SGH. Which makes me feel disloyal to dear ol' CGH, but I guess that's dumb. I was also apprehensive about going to SGH for the first time in 10 years, plus it's on a bukit and all. 

I ended up being charmed by the sprawling layout of the hospital. It felt a bit like stepping back in time, albeit with more aircon. So I guess I'm not mad to be primarily assigned to SGH now. I am somewhat sad that they removed the cool ceiling cable boxes or whatever they are called, though. 

Anyway, the derm gave me doxycycline, Differin, and Clindamycin for my widespread acne vulgaris. Also, bisul = pustule, not carbuncle. Carbuncle is much larger, apparently. We are never too old to learn, eh? The doxy came with repeated reminders from both the doc and the pharmacist to take with a full glass of water and remain in an upright seated position for 30 minutes afterwards, to avoid gastric issues and the pill coming back up, which is somehow what doxy is notorious for. It's my first time taking oral meds specifically for acne! What a strange unwanted milestone!

Derm 'fit: I wore something easy to strip yet somewhat fashun-ish with this Anaabu top as a jacket.

Hawker Centre Breakfast

Cutes came along for chemo this week, which meant that we had to eat at a hawker centre instead of at an atas cafe. (Okay, not *had*, but you know what I mean.) After over a month of exploring Duxton area, we went to Tiong Bahru instead. 

Again, I was surprised because the hawker centre was quite chill, clean, and spacious! There was an uncle sunning himself (in clothes), having coffee while reading his newspapers. Two white-haired aunties chatting, flanked by their helpers. Families having breakfast while the stallholder shot the breeze with them. I don't know if this is just weekday vibes, or the weekend is also like this, but I lowkey loved it. We had Super Shiok Nasi Lemak, which is a perfect portion size for my chemo stomach, but Cutes says is too little for him. 

Chill vibez

Cutes gleefully enjoying the smoking area

This chemo stomach is wildddd. I can no longer have a main and a side anymore. It has to be a kid-sized portion, otherwise I end up super bloated after. (I usually lantak anyways, but ya.) r/breastcancer folks say they need to have 6 smol girl dinners a day instead of 3 square meals, which tracks for me too. 

Chemo

Unfortunately, chemo didn't go swimmingly this week. I had an allergic reaction to the meds.

It's partly my fault, because I had two previous episodes of feeling breathless with my face feeling hot, in earlier sessions. But I was.. wary? Of being overdramatic by calling the nurse during these moments. So I just tried to focus on slow deep breathing until it went away about 2-3 minutes later. I then mentioned this casually to the nurse in Cycle 2 Week 3, and she gave me this shocked face and implored me to please report it next time.

Okay, fine. But it didn't happen for the past three sessions, so I thought my body was over it, y'know? Then, while Amaarae was playing, I felt the familiar tightness in my chest and my face flaming up. I pulled out my earphones and pressed the call button. The (really nice, super efficient and calm) nurse, Michelle something, came over and that's when I started feeling a buzzing in my head, super giddy like I was going to black out.

Michelle stopped the Paclitaxel infusion and yelled, "Reaction! Pacli!" and three doctors rushed in to check my lungs (clear) and administer some meds and ask more about my symptoms. My blood pressure was super low at 70 over entah, so that apparently led to the giddiness. It all calmed down in maybe five minutes, but they still did an ECG to check my heart and be safe. Which involved pulling up my Lululemon bra top and exposing my boobs to the doctors (two of whom were men) in order to put the tabs (?) on my chest. ECG came back okay too. 

Initially they wanted to continue the infusion but at a lower %, so it would take two hours instead of one. But a couple of small rashes appeared on my infusion arm, so the doctors eventually decided to nix the infusion for the day. They also noted my admission of the two earlier incidents, so they'll be swapping me to Abraxane from the next session onwards.

It was really a scary experience for me because I've never been able to not breathe with a super hot face and then feeling like I'm gonna black out, even as I'm already lying down in the reclined chair. Michelle was being super cool and reminding me to not fall asleep or close my eyes, and I was thinking, "Is this how I'm gonna die?"

The doctors were being champs trying to figure things out then explain everything to me, but I guess I was still in shock, plus super groggy from Bestie Benadryl, so a lot of what they said didn't sink in fully until I was in bed at night and spiralling while reading r/bc and googling stuff. I mean, I heard her say "Abraxane" and I thought, "Abraxas? That's a Charmed demon kan?"

It's Abraxane, which is Paclitaxel but the ubat is albumin-bound instead of dissolved in castor oil. Based on what I read online lah. What the doc said is "yes some people have a reaction to Pacli because of one of its components, but Abraxane does not have that component."

Well then why not start everyone on Abraxane then? Because it's more expensive - like 5x more expensive so some insurance (in the US I guess?) doesn't cover it unless your allergic reaction to Pacli is documented. This is from online, not from asking the doc, because I was not in the right frame of mind then. 

I guess I'm somewhat traumatised, but I mean, you just gotta keep going. The staff have been nothing but helpful.

Chemo 'fit: Since you need to have a cannula and IV tube in one arm, I avoid wearing jumpsuits and bodysuits/leotards for these sessions because it's gonna be a bitch to pee otherwise. This Lulu top is a staple for me and these Uniqlo mens pants still fit my 90kg ass! I have sadly fatted my way out of the Uniqlo women's size chart.

Dr Melissa

Saw Dr Melissa, my breast surgeon, today. She was very happy that the tumour has shrunk from the original 5cm to 1-2cm now. She was also super soliticious about yesterday's allergic reaction. She's just great la. She gives me definite girls' school vibes. I'm glad I don't have to change breast doctors even though I'm tagged to Outram now. Cutes told me to ask her whether I have clearance to exercise, but I totally forgot, so I just gave myself clearance. 

I was done by 10.40am, so I booked into Wes' 12.15pm class! I'm really so happy I got to experience another barefoot class even though I was wheezing lightly by the 587th run with blisters on my palms. Because Wes looked at me miming the moves sitting on the floor and asked, "Do you have dance background? Because your musicality is very good. You can catch/hear all the moments on the song." or something but wowww I am holding this close to my heart. 

Hair and Skin

My hair has continued to shed like a Golden. I have an appointment with Eugenie at the end of this month to buzz it all off. I guess. We'll decide on that day. The amount of scalp shining through is really annoying me, but I still love my cute oppa bangs and they look great under a turban. So, entah. 

All my coarse armpit hairs are gone, which saves me a good hour a week in plucking! My leg hairs are still hanging on like a mutha, though. But I refuse to shave them, who cares? Dreading the time when I lose my nose hairs and brows. 

My skin has improved almost instantly from the doxy. There's definitely less cystic acne popping up daily now, which, yay!

I realise that with my chemo now on Thursdays, I'm too tired on the weekend, which is such a waste! I napped away half the weekend due to the tiredness (after my morning appointments). Hoping I can get through the evening classes this weekend!

WESSSS 💜

Ya, it's the hormones

Booming Uncle

My chemo schedule got switched from Mondays to Thursdays starting this week, because I requested to be permanently at Outram instead of Changi for chemo. So first, I had to see my oncologist on Wednesday, with a full blood panel to be done on the same day. 

Blood draw went fine. While waiting the required 5 minutes and putting pressure on the poke site, one uncle was being called for his turn. He was, I think, headed to the toilet at the time, so he yelled "Yes coming coming!" and the phlebotomist, an impatient tough love makcik, said, "Okay slowly slowly." (Wah part ni kau nak slowly slowly but when I didn't have the blood test form, you got testy with me eh. Anyways.) Then this uncle started booming out his name and IC number while he was still five steps away from the room! Thank God I was masked up so I could laugh freely. The stern makcik was also laughing. So thanks to the uncle for brightening my day. 

My Oddball Oncologist

The moment I entered the consultation room, my oncologist went, "Wow you look so different! You're all dressed up! Like you're going to the beach!"

Then 10 seconds later she was like, "Your hair, is that a wig? It looks really good!? I was trying to figure out what was different with your looks."

Me: "No, it's my hair. I mean, I've been losing hair, but I still have this left."

Her: "Wow that's pretty good! It looks great!"

And she went on and on about how great my hair is, and how it looks like hers used to when it was straight. (She has wavy hair about my current length, and I also suspected she was somewhat passionate about fashion from her past outfits lol.)

Anyway, I mentioned to her how I'm having horrible acne breakouts and how I missed my period for almost a week already. "Oh yeah, it's the hormones. If you had acne as a teenager, it's probably the same kind as now."

Me: "And this period thing? Has it stopped for good?"

Her: "No, the younger you are when you start this treatment, the more likely you'll get it back. But for the period of chemo, yeah it's stopped. Ya, it's the hormones."

Tak habis-habis dengan it's the hormones. But ya I guess I can stop wearing my period underwear as standby now. I'm going through both puberty and menopause now, it seems. Fun.

Oncologist 'fit: Had to wear my Popflex jumpsuit again! It's mostly comfy except because it's a dropped crotch, there's friction between my thighs, creating chub rub.

Pre-oncologist breakfast at Dearborn Granola! This dark choc granola was really good! I expected the dark choc pieces to be hard, but they just melted right in. The chilli whatever loaf was super good too! And they give you a personal mini-standing fan to enhance your dining experience. The only thing missing were the chickens. Because they were outside PCC instead.

Chemo

This time, they set my chemo appointment at 9.30am, probably because no blood test was needed since they already did one the day before. Mornings are hard, so I took a Gojek to the centre. The driver was a surprisingly chatty beng. He started off talking about my newish estate, then we went to bitching about people nowadays balloting for flats in their 20s, about how he hates exercising now, and about NCCS appointments at unearthly hours. It was entertaining and comforting, somehow exactly what I needed to start the day. 

Despite the stated appointment time, it was almost 10am when they called me in, and already 10.45am when they started the premeds. A bunch of the time was the nurse trying to find my vein for the cannula. Even with the help of the vein finder, she couldn't seem to hit the vein because there was no blood coming out. She called an ate to help. Fuck I really hate the needle poke part of the process. And before you accuse me of not having juicy enough veins, I had already peed twice since reaching the centre k. Anyway, they managed to hit the mother lode and there's no bruising today, so all's good.

Yesterday was Day 1 of Cycle 3 so it was Phesgo thigh injection time! This is my second most hated part of chemo. The agonising needle pressure for 10 endless minutes is a torture I wouldn't wish on anyone. Then the nurse telling me to breathe like I don't know like that. It just makes me feel better to moan and groan, can? To be fair, it seemed to go marginally easier than the previous two times. So maybe one can get inured to the discomfort.

Having morning treatment means you get free Milo and biscuits from the volunteers! I happily accepted a cup of Milo. Did you know that you can also volunteer to be a beloved Milo distributor? Or, you can volunteer your valuable piano playing skills and entertain bored chemo patients and caregivers while we're waiting to be called up! Find out more here: https://www.nccs.com.sg/community-care/volunteer-with-nccs

We ended at 1.30pm, got a fast Gojek home, then I slept for another 2.5 hours. It was kind of weird adjusting to morning chemo after so many weeks of afternoon chemo. I just watched some TV, ate an early dinner, and went back to sleep. 

Chemo 'fit was two of my favourite tops and my Lululemon flared leggings. The nurse wanted to pull down my leggings for the thigh injection and I was like, No?! Just pull it up ma'am.

Notable Uncles and Aunties

Eskew me: I was at a bus stop near the Telok Kurau landed estate after my asthma polyclinic checkup, minding my own biz, when someone called out, "Es-kew me! The bus how long ah?" It was a 60ish auntie with her helper and her husband. There are really people who unironically say "es-kew me?" Okay takpe. I pulled up the app and told her, "5 minutes" then I got up and let her sit down while her helper massaged her. The massage intensity had to be adjusted frequently before she was satisfied. 

After a bit, she looked at me accusingly and said, "5 minutes so long ah?" Excuuuse me madam, I didn't realise I was the bus control dispatcher or whatever you call them. Takpe. I checked the app again. "1 minute," I told her. Thankfully the bus did come trundling along a minute later. 

I and the other lady at the bus stop let her and the uncle board first cos kesian la kan? *But then*. Neither of them had their bus cards ready! Wtf were you waiting 5 minutes and looking askance at me for then, if you couldn't even standby your cards? Pengsan. Anyway, it was fine. I was mostly entertained by the gall of this auntie. And glad I'm not the one living with her.

Cool uncle: He was having chemo at the same time as me yesterday. He was alone and super self-sufficient! He greeted the nurses by name, he was aware of his appointments (another chemo today, follow-up tomorrow, and radiotherapy starting next week), and just totally no drama. I'm very inspired to be like him. There was also another chemo patient who interrupted the uncle's nurse twice to fuss about when she would be called up, and some other stuff. And the uncle was unfazed and just laughed about it with the nurse afterwards. Props to uncle.

Auntie who loved my Keens: This Chinese auntie was with her helper and they spoke in Malay. Auntie said how she really liked my sandals. I said thanks! I love my sandals too. 

Auntie who wore Keens!: In the lift down after chemo, there was an auntie wearing a pull-on turban and the same Keen sandals but in black! I am so on my way to becoming this auntie and I'm not mad about it.

Billing Battles

I've been having some truly frustrating billing battles with CGH about the bill for my bone biopsy and subsequent admission and discharge. The hospital kept insisting, over emails and phone calls with both the central billing contact centre and the CGH office, that they cannot e-file this particular bill because my admission was for less than 8 hours, and I supposedly signed off on this at the point of admission on the CCF. That it was classified as surgery requiring admission and not day surgery, so different rules apply, and that's why all my previous biopsies were covered but not this one.

I tried to point out that although the CCF states the dumb 8 hours rule under Medisave, it doesn't state the same exclusions under the Integrated Shield Plan part, but this didn't fly.

My insurance agent just called them today to argue further, and first they said they would try, but they later rejected her with this dumb 8-hour rule again.

This kind of admin shit, even though I'm really good at admin shit, is one of the most taxing things about having a medical condition, I feel. You're tired, you still need to work to fund your lifestyle, still need to wash clothes and clean house and shit, still need to take care of the multitude of appointments, and you trust in the hospital and insurance systems and then this happens and you have to make calls during office hours to try to sort it out. I'm lucky I have shirked some other responsibilities so I have time to pursue this, I guess.

And yes it's just a $2k bill which I can afford, but it's really the principle of the matter, innit? People who've just had a painful biopsy and are stuck in a ward with a noisy visitor need to be in the right mind to think, "No I cannot get discharged yet because this bill won't be covered if I'm in here less 8 hours." GTFO.

Small Wins 

On a positive note, I went for Zumba last Saturday and Salsation on Wednesday and I didn't die! Hope I can continue these cardio baby steps!

Also! I made spaghetti goreng last week although Cutes claims it was too salty because my chemo tastebuds are making everything taste bland pulak. I wore my turban to keep from dropping hair in the food. Love my turbans! I got them from a rec in r/breastcancer. Truly a lifesaver sub.

Juicy Veins

Midday Bus to NCCS is Cursed

Heading. Yesterday I took the bus at the same timing as last week. No Uncle Roti this time, but one lady boarded at the exit door at the stop opposite Gay World. Then she tried again and again to tap her card, but to no avail. The bus captain just signalled her to.. get off the bus!! I think he assumed she was an existing passenger trying to alight because why would he be so unhelpful otherwise? To my surprise, she got off instead of trying to seek assistance at the front door or even trying to tap there. But ya, what is up with this bus route?

Chemo Tings

I had lunch at Shake Shack this time, just because it's cheaper than any of the other brunch cafes. Yes I know I can go to the coffeeshop, but please don't. Am I from Police Cantonment? (By the way, I was asking Cutes, "Oh you went to the coffeeshpp opposite PCC?" and he gave me a withering look and muttered, "No one calls it 'PCC'. It's just 'Cantonment'." Err, baiklah. Am I police? I don't care LOL.)

After my post on the bruised needle poke sites last week, Dr Sady advised me to drink loads of water to ensure I have juicy veins. So I drank like a camel, resulting in three good pees before chemo, one during chemo, and one after chemo. But my arms look lovely and unbruised so it works, guys! Except for the bruises from last week which continue to linger.

Bruised cannula site (top) and burst vein (lower) from last week, taken today

The centre was extra crowded yesterday. They were having some sort of fun fair event I was malas to look into. But there were also loads of patients heading to different floors, including multiple wheelchair users. Despite having six lifts for the 20ish floors, we still had to wait damn long each time. Nary an empty lift. Some able-bodied people were taking the lift from Level 1 to Level 2 omg tolong guys, you can use the escalator or the other lift lobby for that!

Cutes has been having a high fever since Sunday night so sadly I was attending chemo alone. Normally I'd be cool with it, because it's not like I need him standing sentinel while I'm being Benadryl Sleeping Beauty, but there were some "meds" (face wash and cream for my acne problem) to be collected, and I can't do that while in the midst of infusion. Annoyingly, despite having a 2pm appointment, we only started pre meds at 3pm, and actual meds at 4pm, so it was 5.40pm when I finally got to leave. I guess I'll collect the meds next week then.

What I meant by "MRT style seating". I took this at 5.30pm when most of my suite had left.

Acne has continued to be horrible, spreading across my chest, most of my face, and half my neck. AND my scalp. It's painful and ugly and I can't believe I'm dealing with this puberty shit all over again. I used the Differin for two days but it seemed to make it worse so I stopped and I'm back with my Clinique Anti-Blemish Gel. I also have more boils/carbuncles on my stomach and thighs, which, fun. NCCS was supposed to make me an appointment with National Skin Centre since last week but when I checked yesterday, the status is still "pending"? Tak faham guys.

Chemo 'fit: Linen top I bought in Sydney with my favourite bucket hat and white jeans. Damn my hair really is cute. There was a makcik waiting for her chemo slot who smiled as I headed in, possibly surprised cos I look so juvenile.

Misc

I went for morning (well, 10.30am) ballet prac today! I love the Free Movement Kallang Studio, now that I'm used to travelling there. It's best when it's not raining. They have Harman Kardon speakers so even volume level 4 is intense! (Hint hint to Magical Moon. Love your location but I don't wanna keep bringing my own speaker.) Only problem is the unflattering, unadjustable studio light. It you don't mind uncles from the food centre watching you dance, you can open the curtains and turn off the light instead.

Gawd, ballet is hard. I'm terrible at jumps and my balance has shockingly deteriorated in the last five years. But it's fine. I'll get it back. Insya Allah.

Now blogging from Rustica! Way more chill than June Coffee, and the coffee's good too. I'm having Singaporean Mocha (Milo and espresso with those Milo cereal balls) and I'm like, how come I've never had this before? Hope they stay open cos I plan to eat my way through the menu!

Cereal fish bun with omelette, potato hash, and salad with an excellent dressing

Cutes is still having 38.5 deg fever so let's pray he recovers ASAP! For his own well-being and mine cos my immunocompromised ass has to avoid him while he's sick. Ameen!